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I'm a 44 year old male, no sibling. Growing up I usually highly contentious relationship with my mother. Her family -including her- has a long history of depression and anxiety, and diabetes. From about age 12, I've been convinced she should not have had children because of her mental and physical health issues. In early adulthood, we seemed to have reconciled, but for the past few years any fondness I felt for her has completely eroded and has now festered into disgust and hatred for her. Here are a few things that have happened:
My parents divorced about 25 years ago. About 15 years ago, my mom started dating a guy who's don't get along with. She moved in to his place about 12 years ago. My mom is fairly well-educated and liberal, but her boyfriend is an ignorant, judgmental redneck. My mom is 72, he's 82. When they first started dating, he was openly racist, but now keeps these view private because it bothers my mom. I'm pretty sure he's still racist, just not overtly. He also thinks it's terrible the same-sex marriage and marijuana are become socially acceptable.
Since we're so different and don't get along, and have had some conflicts, my mom's boyfriend no longer allows me to come over. He also keeps her on a figurative leash: He's very restrictive of how long she's allowed to be gone, and he won't let her come over to my area (she lives about 90 minutes away).
I know it's her life, and if she wants to be a in relationship with him, that's fine. But I've lost virtually all respect for her because she lets him dictate so much of her life. She's also admitted to me that, while they get along, she doesn't really feel much for him, and is primarily with him because he provides her with a comfortable living situation.
Over the course of living together, they've acquired about 12 cats, of age range 2-14 years. I'm baffled why anyone would do this, and disgusted that two persons their age would. They say they think of the cats as their children, which, to me, seems unbelievably effed up. Why would two persons who aged 72 and 82 want 'children', much less ersatz children in the form of cats?
Finally, my mom is completely financially inept. If something did happen to her, I'd be left with a huge mess to deal with. If something happened to her boyfriend, I'd also have the cats to deal with, which I don't want.
As a consequence of all this, I no longer feel any love, respect, or even attachment to my mother. In fact, at least once a day I find myself thinking something along the lines of, 'It'd be nice if something happened to her, and she just died. She's one of the most emotionally retarded and worthless persons who's ever lived, and I, and the world would be better off if she ceased to exist.'
I know this is really harsh, but this is genuinely how I feel; I want her to die sooner rather than later. Does anyone else harbor such animosity towards one of your parents?
You sir, hate is a very strong word to say in any context to anyone. You don't hate someone who gives you your existence. It's just not right in anyway and it does NOT matter what she did or does to you.
There are professional help on this area of psychological issues...please seek out for help.
I agree that the OP needs some sort of therapy.
But you can absolutely "hate" someone who gave birth to you. Having biological children benefits the parents, not the kid. If it was really all about the kid, the parents could adopt.
You are lucky that you probably have no idea what I'm talking about.
You're angry at your mother because she's made choices you disagree with. People do the things they do for a reason. She wants her comfort but she also wants to have a relationship with you.
I have my own mother issues because I was unloved by my parents as a child, but I can't relate to your bubbling white-hot rage because I have never wanted her dead. I simply don't care whether she is or not.
I relate and completely understand the feelings as stated in the original post...
my mother being a diagnosable narcissist with Bi-polar disorder...
Stories would shock people.
(I felt she was possessed... and evil.)
That being said, luckily by the time at 88 she needed to be cared for and I did...I knew
by the Grace of God...this place is about growth...not lingering and stewing
in the past and anger.
Period.
This place is for my soul advancement...therefore, there really are only
2 choices: be the immature, hurt daughter or be the mature person that gives love,
patience and support in every way to this old, screwed up human being.
I chose the high road and helped her transition to the Other Side in peace and forgiveness.
If you are ever churning with any decision ...the correct one is the one
that embraces and demonstrates kindness...sorry, that is the
way to advance in this life you we were given for a reason.
Don't let the ego-mind trick you, ever, into anything else but kindness and forgiveness.
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