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My mother was physically and psychologically abusive to both my father and me, and he acquiesced and did nothing to stop it. (I have always wondered how someone lacking a Y chromosome could have fathered a child.)
For years, I hoped my mother would have an illness that would require a transplant, just so I could refuse to give her an organ.
When she died, my wife had to almost physically restrain me from posting a video of Styx' song "Light Up" on Facebook when I announced her death.
My mother was emotionally and physically abusive. But she loved me. Sometimes. She was alcoholic, a mean drunk and often hit me as a child. I was beaten into obedience. My father did not lay any hands on me, but he never stopped the abuse either. She was, and still is, a very angry person. My dad has abused her a lot, emotionally. Many affairs. Lots of put downs. Made her feel worthless, I think. In return, she lashes out at my siblings and I. She's an emotional roller coaster. I think some sort of mental illness. They way her moods rise and fall -- it's not normal. Years of alcoholism must've done something to her. I'm not sure how our relationship will pan out, because I am still very young but I hope for the best. Despite the abuse, she has tried to help me become a better person.
I don't hate her. I love my mom because I know she tried. It took a long time for me to realize that -- that she is merely human. And to forgive her for not being a perfect mom, or person.
Seek therapy. The anger you feel with eventually dissipate, and you will be left with nothing but sadness. I did some counselling. Helped me out a lot.
I've been estranged from my mom for almost 10 years. It's sad. She is a narcissist, has BPD, and was an abusive parent. I tried hard to make it work, but the emotional abuse continued into adulthood. She had untreated mental illness and it was killing our relationship. I told her she needed to get help for her mental health problems. I never heard from her again.
I don't HATE her. I feel like she's mentally ill, and probably did the best she was capable of given her limitations. My life is much more peaceful without her in it. I do mourn the loss of a mother figure, though.
Yeah, your situation is similar to mine, only your mine is even more mentally ill. It sounds like she's borders on psychotic. If my mom were that bad, I'd probably completely dissociate with her.
I have to admit, my mom doesn't seem that bad by comparison.
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Originally Posted by G-fused
I am in the camp that thinks you may benefit from working with a competent therapist regarding this issue. The benefit to you would be to understand why your hate is so strong and so deep and why you are so threatened by your mother’s 82 yr old boyfriend. The guy is 82...who cares what he thinks? His racism matters very little. It's more funny than anything...it's also pathetic. And a little understandable. He's old, bitter, angry, etc.
-sigh- Do you read what I wrote? I'm not threatened by him, but rather pissed off that he controls and restricts her so much. She can't even come over to see me because he's paranoid she'll find someone else and leave him.
I agree, he's pathetic, and that would be fine if it didn't manifest itself in such insecurity and controlling behavior. Perhaps I haven't been clear enough: She'd be happy to come over here and spend time with me, but he won't let her. If she wants to be with him, that's fine - it's her life. But she's letting him dictate what she's allowed to do with her life. I don't want to see her anymore anyway, so maybe it's just as well. Maybe she deserves the prison he's encased her in.
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Originally Posted by G-fused
Edit: Have you been married? Have you raised children? Have you been old? Have you walked in her shoes? Don't you get it? She's lonely, that's why she has a lot of cats and is with this guy. She's also likely scared. I think it's time to get over the anger and move on to understanding and maybe, just maybe some compassion for her. Have a few drinks and think it over in a more rational way than ranting.
No, again, she's admitted to me that she doesn't love him, and that she's just in it for the comfortable living situation. She's not lonely for people: In fact, she's even said she doesn't care about people. Yet she's cares about her ridiculous cloisterfock of cats. Do you understand how completely effed up this is? She cares more about cats than other people.
I'll admit being related to her effects my own self-esteem. I don't like her, resent her for having me in the first place, and also somewhat resent myself for being related to her even though I know it's not my fault.
I'm sure you've heard this before, but please think about it again: The opposite of love is not hate ... it's indifference. You are FAR from indifferent about your mother. You need to work on yourself to examine why you experience this rage and what you can do about it. You're making yourself miserable. Your anger might have its roots in your relationship with your mother, but today she's not the problem ... your inability to handle your feelings constructively is the issue. Please talk with a therapist about how you can put aside some of your anger. It's going to begin effecting your health if it hasn't already. Take care of yourself.
Check yourself, OP and don't give her the power to create those negative emotions in you. My mother wasn't a truly nice person. My childhood seemed happy from the outside but there were dark issues there. She recently died and I'm not happy about it. But I was able to shield myself and my children from her negativity. It didn't affect us except in the absence of a grandmother for my kids.
also, I've heard, the more you focus on trying not to be like someone, the more you become like them. For example, if I said "Don't think about elephants" chances are, you're thinking about elephants. So don't dwell on your mom's shortcomings. Put that behind you and don't give her the power to enter your thoughts. Be healthy. Be your own person.
Under the Mosaic Law, contempt of parents warranted the death penalty. Theology aside, however, you are harming yourself at least as much as you are harming your mother. Hatred causes kidney cancer (a highly opportunistic cancer that rapidly makes its way to the brain... and then your other organs).
Regardless of your childhood situation - unwanted, abandoned, abused (physically, emotionally, or both), or whatever, hating your mother will be your undoing. You have no idea how horrible you'll feel if/when she dies if this issue is left unresolved.
Why not find a quiet spot and write, in longhand, all of the good memories you shared with your mother as far back as your memory goes? (Rhetorical question.)
If you were my patient, that's what I'd send you home with today, and it would have cost you $150 for an hour or my time - roughly the same amount of time it took to read this thread.
You'll never be free as long as you let hatred rule you; it steals your joy too.
Did you get ANYTHING else out of that message, or did you just stop reading? Please go back and read it again.
Yes I did. While I might feel slightly sad after she dies, it will be fleeting, and within a few weeks I won't feel much of anything. Why? Because she'll be did. Period. After she's dead she will probably no longer exist be insensate; consequently, she won't feel, know, or experience anything.
The vast majority of memories I have relating to my mother negative. I won't feel joy after she dies, but I will feel tremendous relief because a huge emotional weight will be lifted from my psyche. Interestingly, she told me she felt the same way about her mother, and now I feel the same way about her. But unlike her, at least I had the decency never to have children.
Yes I did. While I might feel slightly sad after she dies, it will be fleeting, and within a few weeks I won't feel much of anything. Why? Because she'll be did. Period. After she's dead she will probably no longer exist be insensate; consequently, she won't feel, know, or experience anything.
It would not surprise me one bit if, even after she dies, you still carry a lot of your anger and resentment. Why? Because you've never learned how to deal with it. Her death won't change that. And just because she's not around anymore, that doesn't mean that all your issues will suddenly disappear.
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Do you read what I wrote? I'm not threatened by him, but rather pissed off that he controls and restricts her so much. She can't even come over to see me because he's paranoid she'll find someone else and leave him.
