I still resent my childhood and parents (presents, present, house)

[Macgregorsailor51]

Bitterness is like a cancer .. It hurts no one but the one holding onto bitterness.. Its been said a lot lately , but its TRUE Bitterness is like drinking poison hoping someone else will die.. Your Only Killing Yourself..
Yes you had a dificult childhood.. It may well have been a LOT worse had your parents stayed where they had been.. It was difficult for them as well maybe more than it was for you... ? But YOu Still have time theirs is over..

[quixotic59]

Originally Posted by trixter87

Thank you everyone for responding....right now I go to school at night for my masters, hit the gym, and have a fun hobby I try to squeeze in a few nights a week.

My life currently is on the "right track" but its just been hard lately to shake that dark cloud of bad memories. The constant social rejection and isolation from me being different in many aspects, combined with my dysfunctional childhood......is hard to just put away and forget.

Therapy seems like a good idea but at the end of the day the advice I get will probably be the same....in the past and time to move on.

Again thank you everyone.

You said it, you know it, now do it. Not to trivialize, but your situation is not that unique. Many of us older, first generation folks went through the same thing 40 and 50 years ago. Basically living two lives - culture based at home, trying to assimilate in public.

The good news is that you are now an adult and your future is in your hands. Don't dismiss your past, use it as part of your guide to your future. You have the power to make the corrections you want in your path through life. Your actions are your own. Decide what you want, act on iy and take responsibility. As you create your new life the anger and resentment will fade away because it won't be important any more.

Good Luck!

[Nonchalance]

Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth

This. This is one way to move that energy, so it doesn't just sit and fester inside. Another way is to chop wood, hack at weeds in the garden, and do other physical things while thinking of these parental issues.

Thanks. And after a lot of that writing, I was able to see my parents more objectively, sympathize with them, even love them for who and what they were.

It really does work.

[seasick]

I hear you. I had a terrible childhood. A barren childhood like you had is very hard to overcome. There is a time for things to happen, and when they don't, it's damaging. It's hard to "make right" when older.

Can you think of anything that can help heal your feelings of emptiness and otherness? You have already been very strong and have instituted some clever "work arounds" - an example is your dating.

What about some Volunteer ops in an area that interests you (maybe a museum, botanical garden, political area, whatever interests you and can lead to dates, friends, and inclusion)? What about any hobbies or clubs, although don't let anyone exclude you in them - get out if it's a clique - maybe horseback riding? Ball clubs?

I wish you luck. It will be harder since you are middle-eastern in background. There is a lot of prejudice out there. If you wanted to join a black-powder gun club, for example, or a military re-enactment club, or flying, it's possible you could be regarded suspiciously. I'm sorry about that. I hope instead you will be welcomed if you yourself are kind and good, which you seem to be despite a hard upbringing.

[animalcrazy]

I have 30 more years of life experience then you do trixter87 but I remember what it was like to be your age. I had just married the love of my life and that dysfunction of my childhood was something I had to find a way around. I was raised without love in a brutal environment by two abusive alcoholics. Every day on the bus coming home from school I would be filled with anxiety as to whether my mother would be sober or if she was drunk what kind of mood she would be in. I hated my parents the entire time I was growing up and I never missed them when they both died young from their lifestyle. I understand the isolation, and feeling different from everyone else. My 20's were turbulent years but you are on the cusp of being able to turn that around. I married John, went back to college and changed careers, bought a house, have tons of friends, and we are financially independent. I never had children because I was afraid of the baggage my parents left me with, however, I look at things with older and wiser eyes now. We all have the power to change our lives. Some of us thrive, some of us remain crippled. I chose to thrive and you can too. Sit down and write a life plan for yourself. Then explore ways to make it possible. Don't end up like my friend who isolates himself and prefers the company of his bourbon bottle. Life is a fantastic journey if you're brave enough to confront and overcome the pain that comes with it.

[G-fused]

Pffft. Another young person placing blame for the bad and giving zero credit for the good.

Why are you in this world OP? How have you survived all this time? Who put food on the table (figuratively and literally?), Who clothed you? Who changed your diaper? Who comforted you when you woke up scared? Who made sure you were educated? Who tended to you when you were sick?

You don't have kids I am pretty certain. You can't possibly understand what one sacrifices and how hard one works to raise children. And here you are whining about sports! And your parents were trying to survive. Make sure you had enough to eat and a place to sleep and a home that had heat. When you mature, you'll realize how ungrateful you were. Hopefully, your parents will still be around for you to realize that and give you the opportunity to thank them and show appreciation.

Your parents gave you a life and you are resentful that they didn't give you “the good life”. That they didn't adore you as much as you would have liked? Or exerted the amount of energy towards you that you want? You think they were slacker parents? They parented you and you don't like the way you were parented? Real big shot, you have all the answers on how it should have went eh?

How old were your parents when they had you and raised you? You are 28. Were they your age? Younger? Can you imagine what it would be like for you now if you had a kid or two? What would you have to give up? How would you afford it? Who would take care of your kid while you were at work? Your parents...who you resent? Do you think they would help? And after all that effort, years and years of sacrifice and effort. What if your kid resented you for not enrolling him in piano lessons? Does that make any sense? You’re too young and inexperienced for any of this I think. Go ahead and be resentful. When you become your own man/woman is when you’ll have a better understanding hopefully.

[Lilac110]

At some point your problems stop being your parents' fault and start being yours. You're 28. You've had at least 5 or 6 years to take action and make up for the things they didn't teach you. Instead, you have been wallowing in self-pity over what you feel you deserved from them.

I'm not saying your parents are perfect. I'm also not saying that you had a wonderful childhood.

I'm saying that you are an adult now, and adults take control of their own lives.

As for dreaming about having time to do the things you really want to do, you're no different than the millions of people who buy lottery tickets each week.

I suggest you get some kind of counseling so that you can learn to forgive your parents for their fallibility and yourself for wasting the last few years dwelling on this. Counseling will also help you get your life in order. Remember, as long as you're resentful of your parents, your parents are still controlling you. Do you still want to be controlled by your parents as you head toward 30?

It's better to get help with this now, or you'll end up like two of my sisters, one 58 and one 62, who are still angry and whining over what they "didn't get from" our parents. They're nearly retired and still acting like babies. It's ridiculous.

[shaylahc]

I feel like people judge their parents too harshly. As someone who was severely abused as a child, I don't feel much sympathy for those who whine that their parents didn't sign them up for soccer, or do more to "broaden their horizons." Did you have food, clothing, medical care, and a roof over your head? Then you have nothing to complain about. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, and if yours took care of your basic needs and didn't abuse you, you are far ahead of the game.

I hear so many adults whine about how it's their parents' fault that they aren't succeeding in life. It's not. Once you become an adult, your life is your responsibility. It's time to let go of the resentments of your childhood and get on with YOUR life. Where YOU make the choices. Your life is completely under YOUR control. And someday when you have children of your own you will realize that parenting is really hard. Just providing the basics can be stressful, not to mention providing all the extras your kids want. We all do the best we can. Sounds like your parents did a fine job, and you need to stop blaming them for your own failures, and go on with the business of building the kind of life YOU want to have.

[XRiteMA98]

Wow, I have a son your age and I understand perfectly what you are saying. we have greek background, so many similarities in terms of values, family life etc...
Now I can tell you this, there's nothing you can do to change the past, but you can change the future. To some point I identify with your parents of whom you say they don't have really friends. For many years I thought exactly that until I started to dance tango. Then I made many, many friends of different nationalities and different ages, from 30-80+. I highly recommend it to you.
I would also advice not to hold grudges. Let go of what you cant change and focus on what you can change. On what you want. What would make you happy. Of course I didnt have many things when I was growing up and I'm sure that everyone you talked to will tell you they would have liked to do this or that but they couldn't. There is not such thing like a perfect parent. We are all humans and while striving to void the mistakes our own parents did when we were growing up, we make other mistakes as parents. You will too, you will see.
It is never late to learn to play a sport or an instrument. You sound like you hang out with the wrong crowd. I suggest to try new things, volunteer, take classes, go to meetups of your interest. Network. Sooner or later you will find your crowd and you will make friends, once you find people like you with similar interests.
My boyfriend is Turkish and his son - who is now 28 - went through exactly the same things as you do, but he has a hobby - riding motorcycles - and he is now friends with people just like him. They take trips, they hang out etc. Similarly I have my tango friends. There are 20 years difference between us but basically it works the same way. I really wish you success.

[XRiteMA98]

OK, I have to add something else here, because as an immigrant myself, who identifies with your parents, I understand this. People who were born here wont.
You say you struggle with your identity. I did too. For years I just wanted to be assimilated, I wanted so badly to become an American, I wanted not to be asked "where are you from" every time I opened my mouth.
For years I felt I didn't belong to any country: I was different from my peers in my native country but I didn't feel American either. I've been here 20 years. I got my citizenship and I learned lesson: don;t fight it. It's useless. The truth is you are both, just like I am both. Whenever I travel outside US I feel deeply american. When I am here I still feel foreigner. I eat differently, I dress differently etc... But that's OK. We are both. The sooner you'll understand this, the better you'd feel.