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I don't really have much good to say about my parents and my childhood. At 28 years old, I still can't shake the anger I have towards them for not really teaching, guiding, or developing me and my siblings.
My mom was overprotective, sometimes abusive and constantly fighting my dad over money. My dad was arrogant, flippant and extremely cheap. He never bothered to get involved in our lives other than making sure we stayed out of his hair while he tried to make money in his ventures.
There was no drive for them to get us involved in sports, hobbies.....anything really. Again, my mom was overprotective and my dad was cheap.....so all our life was growing up was just going to school and finding ways to keep ourselves entertained at home.....oh and dealing with their constant nasty fights over money. Basically living in a bubble while other kids parents at least made an effort to do something beyond sending them off to school and feeding them. The worst part is I am a first-generation American with a Middle-Eastern background. All through out school I dealt with social isolation of being different, and overall treated terribly by my classmates and teachers, which only got worse in high school right after 9/11. I was the smart but goofy looking/acting foreign looking kid that everyone snickered about behind my back.
I struggle with my identity. I resent my parents culture and the manipulative backstabbing that goes on in our community. I act much more Americanized so I don't really hang out with my "community" peers, yet because I look different, didn't play sports or do typical "American" things growing up, move away for college etc......I don't get easily accepted into American social circles with people my age. My parents, after all these years being in America, themselves do not have any friends or social circles. I've managed to do just ok dating, by going after women who are outsiders themselves yet have to deal with their neurosis and baggage....younger mainstream american women don't really care for me so I've had to put up with toxic and/or unconventional relationships just to have some semblence of a dating life.
I've essentially run out of optimism to delude myself into thinking everything is fine...... I've finally realized that life has been very isolating and draining for me.......
I dream constantly of having enough money to just quit working and spend my free time doing the things I could never do as a kid. Playing a team sport, learning an instrument, a fun hobby, having fun friends. Just a care-free life.....something I never really had from Day 1.
I don't expect any sympathy from anyone, I understand that others have had it much worse than I have.....I guess I just need to get this out of my head and maybe hear what others here have to say.
I fake being happy and content to my coworkers, friends, and family so as to not burden them with this; inside, I am sad, self-loathing, and resentful and don't know how else to express how I truly feel other than anonymously on this forum.
I am also first generation. My parents were here as a result of the Holocaust and faced discrimination here, too. Money was scarce and even when it was not, my parents had the fear of not having enough saved if bad fortune was served up. When you are not well rooted in a country, the fear of not having enough money is intense. My folks also did not spend much money and we didn't do many "American" things.
I am much older than you and have walked in your shoes. Over time, you will gift yourself with the favor of taking up some hobbies that include things you missed out on. You might join a local softball or volleyball team (offered by your community recreaction center) and make all kinds of new friends (hiking with Sierra club or other things thru meetup.com).
Over time, you will find pleasures and passions and with those will come friendships and lovers and with luck a partner and your own family. And, with the blessings and challenges of having your own family you will come to a place when your heart will open and allow empathy and sweet feelings to flow towards your parents.
Kudos to you being smart enough to self identify some of the problems so far. You express yourself well in written word, so now begin steps forward. I'd suggest Live Your Dream by Les Brown as a good starting point as reading material.
Simultaneously, since you are employed, work towards distinguishing yourself in your area of work and expanding your skill set, while signing up for community oriented things to help you get out of your 'shell'. Enroll in toastmaster's, volunteer at a cause of your liking and go about reprogramming your thought pattern while realizing that perhaps your parents did as best as they could with what they knew and how they could.
You have a lot of years ahead of you to make progress, don't wallow in it. Get engaged in some kind of activity that takes your mind off the melancholy reflective moments.
You can only move forward by letting go of resentment as much as possible, imo. I understand where you're coming from, but you need to choose to release the bitterness of the past. It won't change anything to dwell on it, there is no going back in time to reclaim your childhood and make it better. All you have is the present, and that will help determine your future.
So, make an effort NOW to look forward and not focus on the unhappiness of the past. You don't need to quit your job to do things like learn an instrument or make friends.
For example, you can buy a used and/or cheap guitar (or whatever instrument) and get cheap lessons in most areas. If you can't afford lessons, you can get beginner books for your instrument or find free lesson videos on YouTube.
Make a conscious choice and effort to disregard the past and to make a happy future for yourself, and I think you will start to see things change for the better. It won't happen instantly, but please give it a try. Good luck and best wishes!
I don't really have much good to say about my parents and my childhood. At 28 years old, I still can't shake the anger I have towards them for not really teaching, guiding, or developing me and my siblings.
My mom was overprotective, sometimes abusive and constantly fighting my dad over money. My dad was arrogant, flippant and extremely cheap. He never bothered to get involved in our lives other than making sure we stayed out of his hair while he tried to make money in his ventures.
There was no drive for them to get us involved in sports, hobbies.....anything really. Again, my mom was overprotective and my dad was cheap.....so all our life was growing up was just going to school and finding ways to keep ourselves entertained at home.....oh and dealing with their constant nasty fights over money. Basically living in a bubble while other kids parents at least made an effort to do something beyond sending them off to school and feeding them. The worst part is I am a first-generation American with a Middle-Eastern background. All through out school I dealt with social isolation of being different, and overall treated terribly by my classmates and teachers, which only got worse in high school right after 9/11. I was the smart but goofy looking/acting foreign looking kid that everyone snickered about behind my back.
I struggle with my identity. I resent my parents culture and the manipulative backstabbing that goes on in our community. I act much more Americanized so I don't really hang out with my "community" peers, yet because I look different, didn't play sports or do typical "American" things growing up, move away for college etc......I don't get easily accepted into American social circles with people my age. My parents, after all these years being in America, themselves do not have any friends or social circles. I've managed to do just ok dating, by going after women who are outsiders themselves yet have to deal with their neurosis and baggage....younger mainstream american women don't really care for me so I've had to put up with toxic and/or unconventional relationships just to have some semblence of a dating life.
I've essentially run out of optimism to delude myself into thinking everything is fine...... I've finally realized that life has been very isolating and draining for me.......
I dream constantly of having enough money to just quit working and spend my free time doing the things I could never do as a kid. Playing a team sport, learning an instrument, a fun hobby, having fun friends. Just a care-free life.....something I never really had from Day 1.
I don't expect any sympathy from anyone, I understand that others have had it much worse than I have.....I guess I just need to get this out of my head and maybe hear what others here have to say.
I fake being happy and content to my coworkers, friends, and family so as to not burden them with this; inside, I am sad, self-loathing, and resentful and don't know how else to express how I truly feel other than anonymously on this forum.
Thank you for hearing me out.
I am sorry that you had a difficult childhood. Although, it may may not have seemed like it at the time, there were many, many other children and teens who were also suffering. They may have suffered in different ways than you but they also had difficulties.
As a young adult it is time to start putting your sad childhood behind you. But, you don't need to quit work to start enjoying hobbies and do fun "kid like" things. Start small, perhaps join an adult softball team, join a community theater group, take piano lessons or whatever you want to do. Even "baby steps" such as planning one outing with friends to go on a picnic or fly kites or see a soccer game or whatever will get you started. Maybe invite a few people over for a game night, wine tasting or scary movie night. Think about what you want to do and then do it.
The way you attract others into your orbit is by being very, very good at something. And, by being kind and friendly to everyone, even people you don't want to date. If you are quite good at a specialty and if you attract people to you by being kind and helpful, others will be attracted to you.
Many of us did not have happy childhoods. You are not alone in this. Even "American" kids did not or don't have happy childhoods. You have a chance to break your family's cycle. Be the best you can be now. Vow that you will not repeat the mistakes your parents made.
Do a good deed every day without calling attention to yourself. You will be amazed at how doing this will change your life.
Stop dwelling on your disadvantages. This only makes you bitter and frustrated. Set a goal for every day such as doing a good deed for someone who doesn't know you are doing it, or saying hello to 10 people you don't know, or listening to someone who wants to bore you with a long story about him or herself. In other words, think more about proactive things you can do now, and less about how you were slighted as a child.
I feel like this has been my answer to a few threads lately, but .... therapy. You could definitely benefit from seeing a counselor to work past your resentment and learn to take some control over your own life. You would do better to share these frustrations with a trained professional than a bunch of strangers on the internet.
OP, I would add that service to others is a great way to make a positive difference both in the lives of others - and yourself. In addition to volunteering, there are certain professions which make clearly positive differences. Giving a child encouragement, guidance, and hope is a priceless gift.
You might consider working to help children and teens have different lives than you did, since you are well-aware of the negative impact of growing up in a dysfunctional family. Perhaps getting involved with Big Brothers/Big Sisters, a youth sports team, tutoring, etc. would interest you.
I just hosted a young person who does just this with a small organization, on a daily basis. This group changes and saves young lives, all on a shoestring budget, and while their adult members live very frugally, they are some of the happiest and most dedicated people I know. Most of this group's adult members came from extremely dysfunctional family backgrounds, which added to their determination to help other children in similar situations today. You can PM me for more info and links to their website, if you like.
I agree with Germaine-why wait to do the kid things?
Nobody stopping you now but you.
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