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I honestly feel really silly for feeling this way,especially as an adult, and I realize it's probably pretty irrational, but it honestly bothers me. Whenever my friends have get togethers, I feel as though I'm always invited last or almost forgotten about. I'm 21 years old btw and attending university.
Let me explain what I mean. A couple times I've been invited to play boardgames with a group of my friends, and later in the night, it was basically said that I was only invited because another person couldn't make it and they needed another player. The person that told me that wasn't wording it a way that was intended to come off as mean, but it still made me feel pretty bad... as if I was secondary to this other person.
Another time I was told by a friend (not a super close one though) that she was having a house party, but she didn't want too many people there and she would only invite me if a couple of her other friends couldn't make it. I ended up getting invited, but I didn't go just because what she told me made me feel pretty secondary in comparison to the others she invited first.
And, several other times, I've found that my friends tend to just forget to invite me to things. Typically I DO end up getting invited, but it's always "oh haha I almost forgot to invite you" when they text me about the gathering they are having.
I suppose at least I'm getting invited to things, but it still kinda makes me feel bad to feel so secondary. There are of course times where I just flat out don't get invited to things, but I've learned to not let that bother me as much (sometimes it's difficult though).
I am a somewhat introverted person, and I've been told that I occasionally come off as unfriendly based on my posturing, etc. Since it's been pointed out, I've been trying to improve on it... but it is difficult since I often don't realize how I'm coming off to people. I believe this is part of the reason why I tend to often be treated as a more secondary friend... people always tend to gravitate towards each other instead of me in a group. Again, something I'm working on, but it's harder than it seems to change your whole attitude. I'm actually a really friendly person, but I do have a lot of difficulty expressing myself to others.
I don't like feeling this way though. This form of jealousy is really consuming and unhealthy. Is it rationale to feel upset about this sort of thing? Any advice on getting over it?
I can see why you are upset, no one wants to feel like they are being treated like they are second fiddle.
I would be open and honest to my friends, if I were you, and let them know your feelings. It is rather rude of them to mention things like this (even if they are not meaning to be rude, being so blunt, is rude and unkind...they are being uncool, and should totally be called out on it.)
Jealousy, is such a negative emotion in general, but honestly, I can see where you are coming from, and you have a rite to how you feel about this. I am not even sure, that I would term it, as jealousy.
IMHO you should focus on the relationships you want to cultivate and not worry about the rest.
Don't wait to be invited to gatherings where your introverted nature is not a good fit. Invite one or two people to hang out in an environment where YOU feel comfortable. Cement those relationships and enjoy their company at your own pace.
A couple of your friends have made some rude comments to you. I don't blame you for feeling bad about it. I would not worry about those kinds of people. Make an effort with the ones that treat you well and like you. Don't worry about the ones that don't.
I am a somewhat introverted person, and I've been told that I occasionally come off as unfriendly based on my posturing, etc. Since it's been pointed out, I've been trying to improve on it... but it is difficult since I often don't realize how I'm coming off to people. I believe this is part of the reason why I tend to often be treated as a more secondary friend... people always tend to gravitate towards each other instead of me in a group. Again, something I'm working on, but it's harder than it seems to change your whole attitude. I'm actually a really friendly person, but I do have a lot of difficulty expressing myself to others.
I don't like feeling this way though. This form of jealousy is really consuming and unhealthy. Is it rationale to feel upset about this sort of thing? Any advice on getting over it?
Glad you realize that you are jealous of the relationships the others have! Jealously IS consuming and unhealthy. Now you can work on changing YOU. Are you sure, though, that these are the people you really want as friends?
I wonder if there is a life coach or some type of "class" you could sign up for to help you fine tune your public persona. I agree with others that you should concentrate on the relationships that give back to you, but you mentioned that you have realized your personality type might be coming off as unfriendly. I think 21 and in university is a great time to tweak this and to get a third party to help you. Not to change you overall, but to help bring out your caring, friendly attitude. If you can't find a professional, maybe you can confide in one of these friends on how you feel and ask if they can give you any advice on what you can do better to connect with people. It doesn't sound like anyone is trying to be mean (well, the house party girl kind of was), but more that they don't consider you a close friend. Inviting you to events, even as a second thought,is a way that they are rereaching out. Now you need to ask if you are reaching out to connect at these things, or if you are inadvertently brushing people off. It's hard to look at yourself from the outside, hence my suggestion.
It's normal. Jealousy is by no means good, but it is natural to feel sometimes. Thing is not letting it consume to the point you become hateful. That will happen, and I know as I am a victim of it. But I like to think I am getting better, takes time.
I never really had many close friends. I am shy and an introvert on top of it. So going to social events can be tiring for me. My cousin wanted to get together today, and I have been dreading that all week lol, literally since Mon. Not because I dislike her. She's very sweet. But when I am out, I don't have full freedom, so that sucks some of the enjoyment out of it.
Sometimes though, if I was acquaintances with someone, and I felt we weren't really close, or they just saw me as tolerable, I solved it by removing myself from the equation. I stopped speaking to them and did my own thing. 1 friend I haven't spoken to in over a year I stopped talking to, mainly for one reason. But another I feel like she talked to me alot because alot of her other friends went away to college, and I am the only one still in the same small town. Because when we were in school and she had tons of friends around, she never wanted to get together that often. But I think I was better than nothing after a while. So I eventually just cut her out. I don't have any bad feelings toward her. No hate or bitterness. I am just done with her. But I think she's fine. She can still keep in touch with her real friends, and she has a nice boyfriend she's crazy about and plans to marry + school related things. So I doubt i'll be that missed lol
I don't think a REAL friend would say "oh we only invited you because so and so couldn't make it". These people sound more like "associates" and you should treat them as such. Just folks you know and not put too much energy or emotion into them.
You have family, real friends and associates. I've found the friend group is usually pretty small and tight and are people that have your back and care about your feelings.
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