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I have lots of relatives who could go any day now. Their time on this earth is not going to be much longer. These are people I have been close to all my life but the cost of buying an airplane ticket at the last minute is very high.
My wife and I were talking the other day about which funerals of out of town relatives we should attend and which ones we should just send a card. They say funerals are for the living relatives and friends, not the dead. I doubt the deceased relative will know that I skipped their funeral. But their friends and relatives sure will!
Tell us a story about getting that phone call that someone close to you had died and what went through your mind about the decision to drop everything and fly to the city of their funeral? Why did you drop everything for X and just send a condolence card for Y? (I am talking about close relatives or friends.)
I think you and your wife have too much time on your hands.
Our anecdotal evidence will be useless to you in the moment you have to decide.
You have to make each decision as it comes. If your family is aware of your financial challenges, they will understand if you can't afford a ticket. Will they chip in to pay your fare if they want you that badly? Have you looked into bereavement fares? I think some airlines still offer a small discount.
I guess I haven't ever been in your situation, as the number of close relatives I have isn't all that high. But in your case, I would do some prioritizing -- and I would do it now, before the emotional sway of a suddenly deceased loved one kicks in.
Establish some sort of priority order for whose funerals you would attend in person: parents, grandparents, maybe a favorite aunt or uncle. In other words, make a list, by name, of whose funerals you would attend and whose you would not. Do not share that list, or even admit its existence, with anyone except for your wife.
Then, when the time comes that someone not on the list passes away, send a card and flowers, and include an abject apology that while you dearly wish you could be there in person to say goodbye, it simply is not possible for you to make it.
I'd definitely prioritize them. When you have a lot of older relatives in bad shape, you kind of have to pick and choose the closest ones to go to funerals for if you don't have the money to cover all the tickets.
Frankly, the only ones that I would drop everything for are my parents, my sister, or any of her three kids. Everyone else I would consider on a case-by-case basis ... how close were we? what's my financial situation? can I take time away from work?
It seems so cruel and cold to rank and evaluate the quality and closeness of relatives and friends who live out of town. Aunt Jennie, a "7" no attendance at her funeral because only people getting an "8" qualify for my attendance!
why not try to take some planned visits to see these people before they die? You can buy tickets in advance so you aren't faced with last minute fares.
And then when the inevitable happens, you say "We are so sorry we won't be able to make the trip for the funeral but are very glad we got to spend some time with Aunt Jennie last summer"
Other than for parents and siblings I don't think anyone would expect you to go. Aunts and Uncles, send flowers. Cousins and friends get a card. Nieces and nephews probably won't die but I would just send a card.
Just because they are old doesn't mean they are going to die close together.
I have lots of relatives who could go any day now. Their time on this earth is not going to be much longer. These are people I have been close to all my life but the cost of buying an airplane ticket at the last minute is very high.
My wife and I were talking the other day about which funerals of out of town relatives we should attend and which ones we should just send a card. They say funerals are for the living relatives and friends, not the dead. I doubt the deceased relative will know that I skipped their funeral. But their friends and relatives sure will!
Tell us a story about getting that phone call that someone close to you had died and what went through your mind about the decision to drop everything and fly to the city of their funeral? Why did you drop everything for X and just send a condolence card for Y? (I am talking about close relatives or friends.)
I would only drop everything and fly for one of my sisters or, heaven forbid, her kids. Fortunately, most of my friends are within train distance (NY to DC), which is usually cheaper at the last minute.
By the way, if you are talking about people you have been close with your whole life, they rate more than a card, in my opinion. I would send a nice floral arrangement to the funeral home and a fruit basket to the surviving spouse if they have one. Would also send a donation to a charity in their name if the family has noted "in lieu of" in the obituary or information about the wake, or, if they were depending on who it is, send it in addition to the other things. Even if all of that winds up costing $200, it's still far less expensive then a last-minute flight and lodgings.
In fact, I send flowers when the parent of a good friend dies, even if I've never met the parent or have only met the parent a few times. This is to console my friend and let the person know I am there for him or her, as well as to show some respect to the person who raised such a good human being.
Friendly tip: I might as well share a pointer, too, while I'm here. After having problems getting confirmation of delivery to a funeral home from one of the major services, I got annoyed and decided to call the funeral home directly to see if they had arrived. They had, but the funeral director said that it's always best to just call the funeral home and see what florist the funeral home uses, and then call that florist directly. Much less runaround, probably cheaper, and they can batch your order with those of the locals.
Being retired now, I'm sure you and the wife have plenty of time to make it to all kinds of out of state funerals.
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