I love my family, and I'd probably die for them if I had to, but aside from a few of them I just don't feel much need to be close to them, or really even much warmth and comfort being around them.
My mother rarely calls me and generally refuses to hug me (she always claims she is sick) and is very needy and self-centered, even if sweet. I used to cut myself as a teenager because it was the only way she noticed my existence, as pathetic as that sounds.
Her husband my stepfather refused to help me at my worst moment in life and was not very kind to me at all growing up. My dad calls me once a week and visits maybe once a year and while I enjoy talking to him on the phone and appreciate the gifts and money he sends me and definitely all the child support he gave us, I don't even feel like he totally "gets" or respects me.
In fact the only people in my family that really give me pure love and friendship without judgment are my sisters. Even though they are both my younger sisters, they are in many ways more "motherly" than my own mom and equally intelligent but far more curious and intellectual. I love my brothers too, but my older brother can be somewhat judgmental towards me and my younger brothers are much younger than me, and one of them is semi-mute and developmentally delayed so I don't really even know his personality that well.
My extended family is a mixed bag, but I don't feel crazy affection for any of them honestly. One of my grandmas was sweet but she's dead, I didn't cry at her funeral even though I miss her and was saddened by her death. The other grandma is cool but very self-centered and "business-like", not to mention judgmental of my supposed "failures". She's very new agey. Most of my mom's family are snobby rich people who feel superior to me and my immediate family. I like my dad's family a lot but I don't feel a strong need to be close to them. It's more like I'm very happy to see them but I never really even notice them not being around.
Sadly a lot of my friends have turned out somewhat phony too, or their personalities have just changed and we don't click anymore. Like I was really excited about meeting up with my old friend when I moved back here to Eugene, but he doesn't seem to care that I'm back.
I honestly don't feel like I have a home. America is just a really hostile and materialistic place, and the fact I have family here doesn't really compel me to stay. I'd rather live in a place where I can just be comfortable and enjoy life at my own pace, rather than having to choose between crushing poverty or homelessness and a workaholic career-centric lifestyle. I'd like to work 15 or 20 hours a week and live simply, but in this country it's either work all the time or be relegated to living off almost nothing.
I always thought I was cold hearted for not being super enthusiastic about and loyal to my family but honestly they aren't really that loyal to me, so why should I be? I love them, I think that's enough honestly.
Does anyone else feel the same way?
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I have some family members who I care about, but I don't have the desire to spend a lot of time around them. I get what you're saying.
