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I have been friends with this woman for almost two years. One time we can be together and she is concerned about how she is going to pay her bills. The next time we see each other she is telling me how much she paid for her new shoes or other item. I buy all my clothing at thrift stores. However, I never complain about my money problems to her.
She hardly ever asks how I am doing, nor does she really care to hear much about me. Our conversations center almost all around her--her boyfriend problems (she goes from one man to the other and has to have a man in her life all the time); her kids and their problems; her pets, other people, etc. I have learned just to be a good listener. The times when I shared things which were bothering me, she looks around making very little eye contact and almost every time I can tell she just isn't really listening--she is waiting for me to shut up so she can talk about herself some more. For example, my mom was really sick recently and it was pretty scarey for my family. When I started telling her this, she started that looking around, then sighed (like she always does when I start talking) and said very little. I just shut up, realizing that even something like this, she didn't seem to care. As soon as I did, she started right up talking about herself. It was almost as if she were planning what to talk about when I stopped talking.
Also, she has said things to me which were very hurtful. Probably jokingly I have tried to tell myself. I have never ever said anything to put her down. For example, I was telling her I like to go to the grocery store sometimes and look for things on sale and she said "Really? You are so funny!" as if there were something wrong with me for doing something so strange. Recently, she said "You are so lame!" for walking in the wrong direction to the car when I forgot where it was.
I usually would not continue to be friends with someone who is obviously so self-absorbed and has the need to put a friend down. I have had no problem dropping friends in the past and I think, being older, I am just trying to be more tolerant and try and realize that I am not perfect and should not expect others to be. However, I really am beginning to think it would be best for me to not be around this woman because I end up feeling worse about myself and feel like she is using me just to have someone to brag or complain to. However, I feel guilty for thinking this way. Maybe I am "lame".
Just wondering what other folks would do.
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"Just livin' day by day"
(set 26 days ago)
Location: USA
3,166 posts, read 3,361,544 times
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I have a friend similar to that only she doesn't say things that are hurtful. Because of her constant "pity parties" I don't have much to do with her. We are only "friends" because we share many mutual friends and happen to see her at social gatherings.
I have been friends with this woman for almost two years. One time we can be together and she is concerned about how she is going to pay her bills. The next time we see each other she is telling me how much she paid for her new shoes or other item. I buy all my clothing at thrift stores. However, I never complain about my money problems to her.
She hardly ever asks how I am doing, nor does she really care to hear much about me. Our conversations center almost all around her--her boyfriend problems (she goes from one man to the other and has to have a man in her life all the time); her kids and their problems; her pets, other people, etc. I have learned just to be a good listener. The times when I shared things which were bothering me, she looks around making very little eye contact and almost every time I can tell she just isn't really listening--she is waiting for me to shut up so she can talk about herself some more. For example, my mom was really sick recently and it was pretty scarey for my family. When I started telling her this, she started that looking around, then sighed (like she always does when I start talking) and said very little. I just shut up, realizing that even something like this, she didn't seem to care. As soon as I did, she started right up talking about herself. It was almost as if she were planning what to talk about when I stopped talking.
Also, she has said things to me which were very hurtful. Probably jokingly I have tried to tell myself. I have never ever said anything to put her down. For example, I was telling her I like to go to the grocery store sometimes and look for things on sale and she said "Really? You are so funny!" as if there were something wrong with me for doing something so strange. Recently, she said "You are so lame!" for walking in the wrong direction to the car when I forgot where it was.
I usually would not continue to be friends with someone who is obviously so self-absorbed and has the need to put a friend down. I have had no problem dropping friends in the past and I think, being older, I am just trying to be more tolerant and try and realize that I am not perfect and should not expect others to be. However, I really am beginning to think it would be best for me to not be around this woman because I end up feeling worse about myself and feel like she is using me just to have someone to brag or complain to. However, I feel guilty for thinking this way. Maybe I am "lame".
Just wondering what other folks would do.
No, OP, you should not!
Sadly, this type (textbook narcissist) = a dime a dozen! She can't stop or be stopped. She will never start caring, or have any sort of concern for you, so don't hold your breath! Back away slowly-- so as to not ignite the other thing this type routinely displays: back stabbing. IOW, she finds out suddenly that you aren't or don't want to be her friend, she will auto start a smear campaign against you....
She will tell anyone and everyone who will listen-- anything she can drum up or make up about YOU to make you look bad.. YOU, and how YOU did her wrong, will now be her primary focus! It's how they work! Yes, it simply won't matter how great of a caring friend YOU were to her. YOU will now be viewed as the enemy for refusing to be sucked dry anymore.
I really appreciate the responses and time you all took to post them. Thanks to all.
Picklejuice, Thanks for the info.....That would be a real shame if she does feel the need to do that, as I have tried to be a good friend to her. I have been extremely careful not to say anything which may used against me because I haven't felt good about this for a while (besides the fact that she really has done most of the talking as I said). So really, she would have to make up something about me. We have some common friends and my real friends know me and won't pay any attention to her.
I will add that if I was telling someone that my mother was very ill(having gone through this myself) and they started looking around disinterested(only a real jerk would do this), I would say flat out "sorry, am I boring you, I guess my mother being seriously ill isn't as important as your boyfriend problems"..than you get up and walk away.
Cut her loose, and actually as we get older we normally get less tolerant for these types and can spot them quicker.
Sounds exactly like someone I use to be friends with. Key word, use to. "Unfriended" her, and have been SO much happier.
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