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She has her faults for sure, but that's taking it a bit too far. I don't think that she is a bad person overall.
Then you are in denial. A woman who makes a cottage industry of attacking the physical appearance of her adult daughter, to the point of riding her about her eyeglasses, is a sick woman indeed. That is inappropriate and hateful behavior. That is certainly NOT caring or protective or loving behavior.
I am not surprised that you would now defend her. The daughter of such a disturbed individual is bound to have deep seated problems and issues. What your mother is doing is NOT normal and NOT loving.
I strongly advise you to seek counseling to explore why you are willing to put up with it. It is probably a deep-seated and unhealthy need to gain the approval of this hypercritical biddy. The correct reaction, and the one you are suppressing, is rage and anger. She has no right to treat you this way, and in putting up with it, you are treating yourself the same way.
Instead of defending yourself, how about you give her the exact same treatment? Her: "Sally, I hope you are not going to wear those glasses on your date. They make you look old." You: "Mom, I really hope you start wearing your glasses. It makes you look silly when you can't see correctly because you are too vain to wear them." Her: "Sally, that outfit makes you look frumpy." You: "Mom, your outfit makes you look fat." Say it in the exact same tone of voice that she just gave you. Make no response to her initial comment to you. Just parrot back her behavior to you. Keep it up. I'll bet she'll get pissed and tell you that you are being rude. Ask her how it can be rude for you to do to her but ok for her to do to you? Repeat whenever she starts in.
Not bad, but why surround yourself with such negativity? I'd tell her that until she is ready to express herself in a positive and loving manner, she is no longer welcome in my life. And that probably means forever. An old and miserable woman of this type is probably going to her grave with a personality she cannot change. Sad. But it is what it is.
My mom hasn't commented on my appearance/clothing since I was in high school (maybe college). Now she makes criticizing comments about how I don't cook (she'll NEVER get over it).
It sounds like she cares too much and needs to get over herself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
Who CARES what they think?
Exactly. You shouldn't care. I hate to say it, but...you may need to make a jab back at her. Once she understands how she makes you feel, then she will stop.
For example, when I was 18 months, my mother left me sitting on a table over concrete to get the laundry. She told my 6 1/2 year old sister to watch me. Can you guess what went wrong? That's right, I fell off & broke my leg. For years my mom would tell this story, and she would look at me and make some kind of comment that made me think it was all my own fault. So, the final time she did that, while in front of our entire extended family, (she loves to make embarrassing comments in front of them) I looked her in the eye and said "I wasn't even two yet, what the he**was I doing standing on a table like that??" and everyone said "Yeah, really" She never did it again.
I’m male. When I was young, my mother dressed me how she wanted – ridiculously that is, IMO. When I was a teen, my mother criticized me like crazy – she had a point, I looked ridiculous. Then, when I was a young adult and all through my 20’s, I dressed normally but more on the casual side (which she hated) and she ripped into me because she still had someinfluence. She also ripped into the serious girlfriends I had. Only the one’s I was really serious about though. And it was pretty bad. I won’t get into details but they felt really bad about themselves for not pleasing her at family events.
This little “quirk” is/was the least of my mother’s crazy. I’m in my early 40’s now, married, kid, career, financially well and stable, etc. She hasn’t said a word to me in maybe 10 yrs. I think she realized we have different styles and accepted it. The acceptance was partly that I first ignored her and when it didn’t stop to a satisfying point, I mocked her a little. Just to get my point across. Worked like a charm.
Don’t take her so seriously when she does what she does. And don’t engage, just give her a little sarcastic mocking here and there to get her off your back. You know, say something like “yeah, because you’re such a rockstar”. This works particularly well when in front of people. It’ll embarrass her enough to shut it. Big thing is to not let it bother you and the best way to do that is to not take her seriously when she says dingbatty things.
Best of luck
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