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You might not understand how grief works and if that is the case, good for you. It's terribly hard to grieve someone who was a nice person. It's even harder to grieve for someone who was not. This isn't about the person who died. It's about the people remaining. Let them get through their grief how ever they can because until you've been there, you just do not know.
This is what's happening with my wife's dad right now.. He died last week and he was the worst person I have ever known.. I don't think he died, I think Satan just called him home..... Cause Hitler missed his company....
BUT yet everyone who goes on Facebook or has anything to say says he was the greatest.... even his own family members....
I just do not understand it..... I have seen this person do things a stranger would not do to another person....
BUT yet he is the world's greatest dad according to everyone....
A few years ago, one of my great uncles died in a car crash...while drunk, with his mistress, and killed her too in the wreck. Yet at the funeral, NO ONE would admit that Gene was a lifelong alcoholic, screwed over business partners, philanderer, etc. It was disgusting what nice things would say about this man.
People typically SPEAK well of the dead. What they THINK may be far different.
Indeed. And there is no point in vocalizing one's negative opinions at that point. The person is dead. You missed your chance to tell them how you REALLY feel.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondebaerde
Maybe it's best I'm not a psychiatrist working for the State.
Ive been to a few funerals where either the minister or humanist service joked about the bad points too of the deceased, its become more common here now for the family to be honest and not whitewash over and hide the truth.. its a nice fresh approach... as no ones perfect...
Ive been to a few funerals where either the minister or humanist service joked about the bad points too of the deceased, its become more common here now for the family to be honest and not whitewash over and hide the truth.. its a nice fresh approach... as no ones perfect...
There was one where the deceased died with obscenely huge debts. The eulogies emphasized that he liked good clothes and liked a weekly haircut.
My dad committed suicide when I was six years old, and I've felt a lot of anger and hatred for him. So do my mother and sister. We don't even like talking about him unless someone brings it up. He also wasn't a nice man when he was alive. If people ask me about him, they tell me I have a lot of bitterness in my voice when I talk about it. At the same time though, I feel really guilty for saying things like that about my own father. So maybe it has to do with guilt? In my late teens/early 20s I also went through a time when I felt suicidal. I didn't go through with it because I knew what it did to our family, and I didn't want to put my mom and sister through that. So I didn't do it, and things did get better for me. The thing is, I've felt like a major hypocrite for feeling angry with him since I had those thoughts. I have so many different emotions when it comes to him and his death. There are also times when I wish he was still alive so I could talk to him again. That's another thing that bothers me.
My dad committed suicide when I was six years old, and I've felt a lot of anger and hatred for him. So do my mother and sister.
My feelings aren't quite so negative. When I tell people my last name (a rare one even among Jews) people ask if I'm related to certain other people with that last name.
I do tell people that my father, who died in 1973, had as little to do with his biological family as possible. He didn't avoid them but didn't seek them out either. My father came from Long Island's Five Towns and when he returned from Korea he insisted on his blind dates being set up with women from Westchester or possibly Manhattan or the Bronx. My mother had told me he wanted to "marry his way into class." Having met his family I would interpret it that no one in their right mind would want regular dealings with most of them. After my mother died I found family correspondence from my father bearing out that these were not nice people.
When my mother was alive (they were married when my father died) my mother had mildly negative things to say about my father. My mother's internal correspondence about him was scathing. My feelings towards my father softened after I watched how my mother treated my stepfather at certain times. Their marriage was certainly better than my natural parents but over the years I became closer to my stepfather than my mother. Not an easy accomplishment as many people know.
In any case, watching that relationship and reading my mother's notes softened my views towards my father, which were based largely on my mother's sharp comments.
You might not understand how grief works and if that is the case, good for you. It's terribly hard to grieve someone who was a nice person. It's even harder to grieve for someone who was not. This isn't about the person who died. It's about the people remaining. Let them get through their grief how ever they can because until you've been there, you just do not know.
I've lost many wonderful people and less than charming people in my life. I never sugar coated anything about them. I didn't make things up in my mind about how wonderful they were.
My grandfather I loved dearly and was more like a father to me growing up was a miserable grouch! He puts Oscar to shame. I don't know that he ever had a kind word for anyone. I don't live in airy fairy land and tell people how patient, kind, nice, and wonderful he was. I say exactly what he was like. He hated people who sugar coated anything. It was a reason to give you a swift kick in the ass....literally.
Just because I don't sugar coat things doesn't mean I haven't grieved. Grief is different for everyone. I also look at those who make to over 70 as having lived a long, full life. If they didn't live life to it's fullest, that's on them. Most people I know who've made it to 80+, 90+ were in terrible health or terrible physical shape and it was usually a blessing that they past away. Their pain and misery ended. It's hard watching someone who is elderly become incredibly lonely because all of their family and friends their age have passed away and they are all that's left. They give up around that point and want life to be over. I completely understand where they're coming from.
When my mother was alive (they were married when my father died) my mother had mildly negative things to say about my father. My mother's internal correspondence about him was scathing. My feelings towards my father softened after I watched how my mother treated my stepfather at certain times. Their marriage was certainly better than my natural parents but over the years I became closer to my stepfather than my mother. Not an easy accomplishment as many people know.
As I grew up and became an adult, I let go of my hatred for my stepdad. I put that poor man through hell and he never gave up on me! As an adult, my perception of my mom and stepdad's relationship is quite different. She drives me up the wall with how she treats him. I'm significantly closer to my stepdad than I am my mom. People are shocked at how close we are now because I was adamant when I got married that I didn't want him to walk me down the aisle. I wanted one of my uncles or grandfather to do it. And now almost 19 years later, I'm so grateful that my uncle talked me out of that and my dad walked me down the aisle. That's something I could never take back or fix.
People say those things about the dead because of the peer pressure to do so (and fear of being ostracized by those around you if you speak critically or negatively of someone who just died, even if it was a terrible person).
Anyway, I completely agree with those who say that someone's character should be the focus of how they are seen/spoken of (either dead or alive, good or bad). Those who are rationalizing this into "everyone has good and bad in them" are either badly missing the point or being deliberately obtuse, because obviously there are plenty of people where either the good OR bad far outweighs the other
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