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Old 05-29-2015, 11:43 AM
 
Location: NC
1 posts, read 662 times
Reputation: 10

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About 20 years ago, I made a mistake. I dated a married (though separated at the time) man, and ended up pregnant. Wife, who was gone when I got pregnant, came back because she found out she was also pregnant (child 2 for them). Man and Wife got back together to work things out and to keep growing family intact. While they offered to let me stay in their house, I refused (can we saw awkward?!) and moved out of town.

Babies were born, and contact was kept with Man, Wife, their two children, myself, and my child. My child was about 18 months the last time Man saw Baby. Baby was 5 the last time we spoke by phone. Man and Wife and their children moved out of state. I did not hear from them again. (Other than sporadic child support payments, made through the state.)

Fast forward 15 years... Baby knows about biological father and half-siblings (including a 3rd child now) and would like to try to contact them. I found Wife and children on social media, and contacted Wife. Wife (now ex-Wife) told me that Man has never told his children about Baby. Wife wants me to write to Man and ask him to tell his other children about Baby before contacting them directly. I totally understand where she is coming from, and agreed to try writing to Man. (He does not have social media, or uses an alias that I am unaware of. Wife was not forth-coming with many details, but I did find an address, which was confirmed to be his.) So, I wrote a letter and sent it to Man. It had no detail about who I am or who Baby is - trying to be discreet in case someone else opened his mail - but included our names, address, e-mail, and phone number. It has been almost 6 months, and I have gotten no reply.

What should I do?! Should I just let Baby contact her half-siblings? With the exception of one younger child, they are all over 18 now. Should I contact Wife again? Give her a chance to tell her children before they are contacted?
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Old 05-29-2015, 01:08 PM
 
9,238 posts, read 20,447,407 times
Reputation: 22373
I would leave out the man's ex-wife and the children from that marriage, and just assist "baby" in contacting her biological father. Maybe pay a private detective a few hundred bucks to confirm his current address and phone number. The relationship, if there is to be one, is between your daughter and her father, and the half-siblings are not key parts of that relationship. I would not take part in disrupting the lives of those half-siblings when they've never been told about their father's second family. Let him be the one to drop that bombshell.
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Old 05-29-2015, 02:50 PM
 
Location: Arizona
6,625 posts, read 6,254,016 times
Reputation: 20786
I don't feel you have any business contacting his children. Why would you want to mess up their lives? The father would have kept in contact if he wanted to. I don't know why people go looking for disappointment.
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Old 05-29-2015, 03:08 PM
 
Location: Rural Wisconsin
11,094 posts, read 3,328,016 times
Reputation: 24674
Here is my take as an adoptive mom of older siblings who had assorted half-siblings they never met.

When the older one was about 15 or 16, she searched out her half-siblings all on her own and made contact with them. This proved to be an unhappy decision for her (for reasons that don't matter on this thread), but the point is that if your child wants to seek out her biological relatives, she will find a way as long as she knows her father's name. In this age of the Internet, very little can be kept secret any more.

The only thing I would advise is to talk with your daughter and discuss what possible outcomes there could be if she is successful in her search, and let her know that you will be there for her, whatever happens.

Also, I hope you know that many (and probably most) young people will do what they want, whether their parents approve or not!
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Old 05-29-2015, 03:11 PM
 
16,719 posts, read 16,443,698 times
Reputation: 41310
Leave it alone. As an adoptee, a birthmother, and an adoptive parent, trust me when I say that it does NO ONE any good to seek out their bioparents, especially when they don't know one another even exist.
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Old 05-30-2015, 12:45 AM
 
1,580 posts, read 1,644,919 times
Reputation: 1270
You should have some type of contact in case father passes. Your child would be entitled to Social Security benefits. If your ex is on disability benefits, your child has a claim to his portion of them now.
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Old 05-30-2015, 12:05 PM
 
13,752 posts, read 22,642,637 times
Reputation: 38417
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
Leave it alone. As an adoptee, a birthmother, and an adoptive parent, trust me when I say that it does NO ONE any good to seek out their bioparents, especially when they don't know one another even exist.
A close friend was able to develop a wonderful relationship with both her biological father and a comfortable one with her half-siblings. She started searching for them when she was in her mid-30s. Her bio mother, otoh, told her to get lost. She's still glad she made contact, despite it not leading to anything. Meanwhile, her own daughter is now living with the bio-grandfather.
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Old 05-30-2015, 02:24 PM
 
Location: Arizona
1,599 posts, read 1,514,908 times
Reputation: 4903
I am different I guess. Some people feel incomplete when they don't know who and where they came from and that wondering can be a burden. I would reach out to the wife again. She actually seems pretty open minded if she not only allowed the father to keep in contact with your child after birth, but was okay with you moving in. Tell the wife that you tried to make contact with the man, but never got a response. Ask her if she would mind explaining the situation to her children and ask THEM how they feel about meeting your kid. They may want to, they may not, but at this point I think they are old enough to decide for themselves. The other kids are probably aware that their dad is irresponsible and may want to meet your child. If not, well at least your kid knows and won't have to wonder.
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