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I basically cut my friends out in January after their most recent trip to St. Louis. I didn't respond to any emails or texts for a long time. Eventually, R contacted me through email and basically said he was hurt that I was cutting him out. I told him that it wasn't an act of vengeance as much as I need to protect my feelings. I get that the situation is "complicated" but really, it isn't that complicated. If either E or R had stood up for me when this was all first happening we wouldn't be where we are today.
I wrote back and said I would work on separating my feelings for E and R from the larger group and work on detaching from everyone else. In reality though, those two both hurt me as well, and I don't trust that they really care. But, as a show of good faith or something, I invited them to a BBQ we had over the weekend. E came.
As she was leaving I told her that I didn't know what was going on. She said she and R are both hurt. I suppose they have a right to feel hurt that I'm pulling back from them, but seriously? I have been feeling hurt for 10 years! I find it ironic that by doing to them (excluding them) what they have been party to doing to me for years they feel hurt, yet they still don't seem to understand WHY I am doing it. I feel like they are both either being intentionally obtuse or they both have the EQ of a deranged cat.
Anyway, I don't really know where that leaves things, even several months later. Both E and R made a big deal in emails to me about how they always include me in events they organize. Yet, in 4 months neither has invited me to anything. I know they have gotten together. I find them both so disingenuous it really frustrates me. I contemplate just forgiving and forgetting, but I feel like doing that allows them to completely avoid any responsibility for being mean and hurtful and on principle that doesn't sit well with me.
It sounds that it's currently still a bit fresh for you. I wouldn't worry about E and R at this point and simply tell them that you're just too busy at this point. There's always those few people who act like they've had nothing to do with the issue but were only going with the flow. Well, they can go flow in the other direction.
It sounds that it's currently still a bit fresh for you. I wouldn't worry about E and R at this point and simply tell them that you're just too busy at this point. There's always those few people who act like they've had nothing to do with the issue but were only going with the flow. Well, they can go flow in the other direction.
Yeah, the issue sort feels new all over again after seeing E on Saturday. Mostly, I find it really unfair/annoying that they are now claiming to be hurt when all I did was pull away from them after years of poor treatment. I find that ironic. So, it's fine for them to treat me like garbage, but when I stand up for myself and say I won't continue to accept that, THEY are hurt? I mean, give me a break!
I am still a little torn as to whether I should forgive/forget or just have them out of my life completely. The time away has broken my habit of seeing them every weekend, which is definitely a plus. I feel like I need some sort of actual apology from them before I can accept them as friends (forgetting everyone else) because as of now they still act like they had no role in my feeling hurt and that is just not true. They both have given me dozens of excuses as to why I shouldn't feel hurt without acknowledging that my feelings are totally valid and they'd probably feel the same way. E, in particular, is ridiculous about it to the point where I don't think I should be friends with her at all. R, maybe I could salvage something if he were more communicative with me, but he just doesn't say or do anything, so it's unlikely.
It boils down to the fact whether they can respect (not invalidate) your feelings. You already know their stance.
Actually you can still forgive/forget, it doesn't mean everything's going to go back the way it was. It would be better to forge a new way. The odds are they may not be ready/willing to go down that road.
It boils down to the fact whether they can respect (not invalidate) your feelings. You already know their stance.
Actually you can still forgive/forget, it doesn't mean everything's going to go back the way it was. It would be better to forge a new way. The odds are they may not be ready/willing to go down that road.
Very true. I definitely will forgive them in terms of releasing myself from the negative emotions tied to this situation. The question is whether I continue to have any contact with them or ever let them know that I forgive them. I'm still not sure, but since I was the last to extend an invitation to them, I figure the ball is in their court anyway. Let's just say I don't have high hopes...
Seriously....I find people who are in the middle of all this sort of drama to be very immature. Friends are just that friends....There is an old saying. To have a friend, be a friend.
I have't read your linked thread, just the first post you made. So, for 10 years you have blamed some guy who used to date a friend of yours...for all these "slights"....I find that unfathomable.
First.....Did you come clean 10 years ago and tell your friends that they were hurting you....at least tell them that you perceive every event that they go to, to which you are not invited as hurtful...and that it is filed away by you and that you have been keeping tabs for 10 years now?? Have you let them know of every time you felt slighted? or are you passive aggressive, and just pout?? hoping they will notice.
You mention that you are married...Why are you not just doing things...like this Mardi Gras trip... with your husband??
Ask yourself how much time you have wasted on these so called friends, what they are doing...or not doing, when you should have just been devoting that same intensity to your marriage.
Life is way to short for games. If you want to do things as a group, initiate something. Do not sit back passively and let your life revolve around what others do or don't do with or for you....your happiness is your responsibility. Take hold of your life, make it valuable....at least more valuable than what it is now, if honestly it depends on the graciousness of these folks who you are mistakenly devoting your life, and your marriage to. Good luck to you....it is not too late to make changes.
Seriously....I find people who are in the middle of all this sort of drama to be very immature. Friends are just that friends....There is an old saying. To have a friend, be a friend.
I have't read your linked thread, just the first post you made. So, for 10 years you have blamed some guy who used to date a friend of yours...for all these "slights"....I find that unfathomable.
First.....Did you come clean 10 years ago and tell your friends that they were hurting you....at least tell them that you perceive every event that they go to, to which you are not invited as hurtful...and that it is filed away by you and that you have been keeping tabs for 10 years now?? Have you let them know of every time you felt slighted? or are you passive aggressive, and just pout?? hoping they will notice.
You mention that you are married...Why are you not just doing things...like this Mardi Gras trip... with your husband??
Ask yourself how much time you have wasted on these so called friends, what they are doing...or not doing, when you should have just been devoting that same intensity to your marriage.
Life is way to short for games. If you want to do things as a group, initiate something. Do not sit back passively and let your life revolve around what others do or don't do with or for you....your happiness is your responsibility. Take hold of your life, make it valuable....at least more valuable than what it is now, if honestly it depends on the graciousness of these folks who you are mistakenly devoting your life, and your marriage to. Good luck to you....it is not too late to make changes.
I haven't blamed just the guy my friend dated (who, btw, was my friend first; I actually introduced him to my friend, ironically enough); I hold the people who claim to be my friends responsible for allowing him to badmouth me. I have asked repeatedly what I did to him and if I should apologize. I've also told my friends repeatedly that I find the situation hurtful, but nothing has changed. I haven't been just pouting in the background because I know already that they would never notice.
And, of course I go on trips with my husband. I also go on trips with other friends. But, that doesn't mean what these people do doesn't sting. That's the only point of my post, that I found their behavior hurtful. I'm updating to say that I followed the common advice received here to cut them out. It still doesn't mean I feel great about the situation, but I've done what I can do. I am still struggling with the decision a little. I figured their behavior at the BBQ would tell me what I needed to know, and I guess it has.
I think it's normal to be sad when a long term friendship comes to an end though.
It seems like you're giving them too much head space, and most of it's negative. I'd just let them go. Find a better class of people to hang out with. Don't invite them to your events, and since they're already not inviting you to theirs, that's should take care of it. I'd either ignore the e-mails or give brief non-emotional non-responses. "Okay, thanks for letting me know!" in response to a long explanation, for example. Just don't engage with the drama and eventually it will go elsewhere.
I basically cut my friends out in January after their most recent trip to St. Louis. I didn't respond to any emails or texts for a long time. Eventually, R contacted me through email and basically said he was hurt that I was cutting him out. I told him that it wasn't an act of vengeance as much as I need to protect my feelings. I get that the situation is "complicated" but really, it isn't that complicated. If either E or R had stood up for me when this was all first happening we wouldn't be where we are today.
I wrote back and said I would work on separating my feelings for E and R from the larger group and work on detaching from everyone else. In reality though, those two both hurt me as well, and I don't trust that they really care. But, as a show of good faith or something, I invited them to a BBQ we had over the weekend. E came.
As she was leaving I told her that I didn't know what was going on. She said she and R are both hurt. I suppose they have a right to feel hurt that I'm pulling back from them, but seriously? I have been feeling hurt for 10 years! I find it ironic that by doing to them (excluding them) what they have been party to doing to me for years they feel hurt, yet they still don't seem to understand WHY I am doing it. I feel like they are both either being intentionally obtuse or they both have the EQ of a deranged cat.
Anyway, I don't really know where that leaves things, even several months later. Both E and R made a big deal in emails to me about how they always include me in events they organize. Yet, in 4 months neither has invited me to anything. I know they have gotten together. I find them both so disingenuous it really frustrates me. I contemplate just forgiving and forgetting, but I feel like doing that allows them to completely avoid any responsibility for being mean and hurtful and on principle that doesn't sit well with me.
lots of weird people and attitudes in the world.
I wouldn't invest anymore time and effort. I'd leave the ball in their court, for a long time. If they really really want to come and see you then they will do so. If not (it doesn't seem like they do) then you'll know they weren't sincere.
I haven't blamed just the guy my friend dated (who, btw, was my friend first; I actually introduced him to my friend, ironically enough); I hold the people who claim to be my friends responsible for allowing him to badmouth me. I have asked repeatedly what I did to him and if I should apologize. I've also told my friends repeatedly that I find the situation hurtful, but nothing has changed. I haven't been just pouting in the background because I know already that they would never notice.
And, of course I go on trips with my husband. I also go on trips with other friends. But, that doesn't mean what these people do doesn't sting. That's the only point of my post, that I found their behavior hurtful. I'm updating to say that I followed the common advice received here to cut them out. It still doesn't mean I feel great about the situation, but I've done what I can do. I am still struggling with the decision a little. I figured their behavior at the BBQ would tell me what I needed to know, and I guess it has.
I think it's normal to be sad when a long term friendship comes to an end though.
I appreciate your response to my telling it to you straight...That speaks volumes.
So....What you have to do....because you seem so hypervigilant about what, and where and who your "friends" do and invite to go places...that you should simply stop having any contact. Nothing is worth the turmoil you keep expressing, nothing.
Go about your life with your husband and the other friends you have and simply choose to be happy. People age, and values change, life courses change.....You cannot always remain "tight" with friends from younger years, even if you are all well intentioned...that is just life.
Continuing to grieve for what was before you introduced your friend to this "guy" is not normal...not after 10 years.
And, like you said, it is normal to be sad when a friendship ends...but everything you've described makes it seem that it ended technically years ago....What you are doing is continuing to dwell, like a festering wound...you still resent they didn't as you say...Stand up for you....What were they supposed to stand up against??
I guess I'll have to read your earlier threads to get a true sense of why after so long this is something you are still stewing over.
If you were my daughter, I'd remind you how much time you are/have wasted on this issue.....it is not something that deserves so much energy.
Look back, and think how much time and emotional energy you have wasted...That energy could be funneled into something so much more productive and healthy...And, you wouldn't still be stuck in this emotional turmoil.
I hope that somehow you can give yourself closure....it obviously isn't something anyone else can do for you. Choose to be happy. Wishing you peace.
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