How would you handle? (25 years later...) (siblings, funeral, mother, father)
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(1) First divorce in the family. Parents of the woman wanted it kept very quiet.
(2) The family is kind and goes on the high road. For all this (bio-dad) did or didn't do, the family decided not to make things ugly and be gracious which they were. (I remember all this). They all promised not to talk in a negative way but facts are facts.
(3) I think the initial thought was to someday tell b/c she was a single mom all of a sudden (obvious) but then she met someone, he took over and he and his parents did not believe in telling.
(4) I think the family was relieved someone had come into this girl's life and she wouldn't be single and he was acceptable, had a job, worked steady hours, dependable so the family didn't want to upset the apple tree. (IOW, the family wouldn't have to support her).
(5) The years just go by. It just never came up. I remember about 20 years ago mentioning the name and she glared at me. Never spoke a word.
Thanks for the opinions. Someone wrote in and said their bio-dad was a sperm donor (that's what I think this guy was - that's all).
I'm a birthmother and an adoptee, and I don't want or need to know any of my bio relatives. I had two loving parents and I am just fine. I made lots of bad decisions but not once was it implied that it was because I was adopted! That this is only coming up now, tells me that your family likely doesn't want to take responsibility for this child's bad decisions, which is a pretty ****ty thing to do. It isn't because she was adopted, for Christ's sake.
I think you're right.
To correlate the secret adoption with a current "identity crisis" -- whatever that really is, we just don't know -- smacks of drama. And as we all know, there are always family members who thrive on drama and invent it when they can't find any.
A "close relative" of mine decided one of my cousins died of spontaneous human combustion. She tells people that. My aunt and uncle cut her off completely. They have enough sorrow in their lives without having to deal with that.
I hope she finds a way to get away from all of you, after knowing this family was ready to out her adoption because of something as trivial and stupid as this.
The OP should have written .... my sister got pregnant. The father of the baby left and said don't ever find him. The mother never told the now 25 year old she was adopted by the mothers current husband.
Doesn't that make it easier?
Any character traits of the bio father has nothing to do with anything. The feelings of the grandparents have nothing to do with anything. The vote was pure insanity.
The child should have been told 20 years ago. I would tell the mother if you don't tell her I will. The child has a right to know. It's not going to be good when the child finds out and it is the fault of all those that knew, voted, and did nothing.
The OP should have written .... my sister got pregnant. The father of the baby left and said don't ever find him. The mother never told the now 25 year old she was adopted by the mothers current husband.
Doesn't that make it easier?
Well, it does speak to the extent that families can be affected by supposedly scandalous situations like this.
I do think that "the family" is focusing on the wrong things.
Was supposed to be at an event - didn't show - didn't call - no one could reach her that day
Unusual for her (young adult)
Now, she is maybe quitting her job
Just changing groups of friends; that kind of thing; changing her routine; moving
These are the "issues"
So, of course, the "talker" thinks this is b/c of her past. Well, she doesn't know any of that.
She is a college graduate. (Now in contact; thought she wouldn't be missed).
Crisis over except for this.
the "crisis" isn't over the cover up continues. as others have said it may not be your place to tell but surely you should talk to the mother. this young adult has been lied to for decades and the lie is being compounded by continuing the cover up. if she somehow finds out on her own you can bet she will have a hard time accepting being kept in the dark so long. I hope for her sake her mother does the right thing and is honest about her biological father, regardless if he is undesirable or not. knowing you have a dead beat dad and dealing with it is far better than dealing with the people you hold most dear in life have continued to lie and keep you in the dark about who you are and where you came from.
I hope she finds a way to get away from all of you, after knowing this family was ready to out her adoption because of something as trivial and stupid as this.
She is an adult. Let her make her own decisions.
However, the one who was so concerned may be a bit jealous.
Some of her own have stumbled and she is just grasping the opportunity to say - now, it's her turn - she's just been different lately; dropped or stopped contact with some old (good) friends, etc; may be changing jobs, moving, seems to be going in a different direction which may not be such a good one.
The OP should have written .... my sister got pregnant. The father of the baby left and said don't ever find him. The mother never told the now 25 year old she was adopted by the mothers current husband.
Doesn't that make it easier?
Any character traits of the bio father has nothing to do with anything. The feelings of the grandparents have nothing to do with anything. The vote was pure insanity.
The child should have been told 20 years ago. I would tell the mother if you don't tell her I will. The child has a right to know. It's not going to be good when the child finds out and it is the fault of all those that knew, voted, and did nothing.
You did that well. I'll update in a few months. We'll see if anything happens.
Sounds like my life story!! The adult child will eventually find out. Things like this always find a way to climb out of the closet. The adult also has a right to know. This hidden information can affect medical things like blood type, hereditary diseases, organ transplant, etc.
I've lived through this. It SUCKED. But I'm better off knowing. I met my father when I was 25. Haven't heard a peep from him since then. He's my sperm donor the way I look at it. I have a dad. Any schmu ck can be a father. It takes a lot for someone to step up and be a dad.
Last edited by ss20ts; 07-06-2015 at 07:10 PM..
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