Friendships You have Decided to End or Not Pursue (wife, husbands, female)
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Usually this is due to friends from my long ago past.
If I try to contact some of my older friends (from school days) and it happens a few times and it's not reciprocated by responding back, then I know that the friendship has probably died out.
I usually leave the door open via social media, but I no longer try to contact someone who does not appear to reciprocate.
I do best with letting friendships die a natural death---like when you get together with someone and you can see they really aren't into it. I never hear from them again and I never contact them again. But to answer your question, I guess I sometimes let a friendship start dying if I feel like that person isn't very into me and claims they don't have the time to get together but then I see them make time for other people or other activities.
This is generally what I do too. Typically when I do the natural death thing it's with someone who I used to be close friends with but I can tell they aren't interested in keeping up the friendship with me anymore. Especially if we're just "Facebook friends" and never talk/see each other in real life anymore, I just unfriend them and I doubt if they even notice. In fact, there is someone right now where I've basically let the friendship die a natural death, she started blowing me off last year (not calling when she said she would, and when I would try and initiate a conversation she was obviously not interested, etc) and she cancelled her trip to come see me so...message received!! It's a shame because I've known her for a super long time but you can't force someone to be friends with you.
Also if someone blows me off when I ask them to hang out more than once (because some people are just a little flaky/something comes up so they get one chance) I never ask them to hang out again. Strangely those people never contact me again either. So it's definitely the right choice.
I've ended friendships over racism or hate. Some seemingly nice people harbor hateful views and beliefs that they don't reveal early in relationships. My Southern accent doesn't automatically mean that I want to hear or agree with your racist jokes or comments. That's a one-strike, you're-out issue for me.
How about just the fact that people change over time? I have friends from my childhood who try to stay in touch but honestly, we have nothing in common except our childhoods. I have friends whom I was close to in my 20s and 30s, but whom now I have little in common with, yet they continue to call. People change over time. Interests I had when I was younger have been replaced with new interests and pursuits. Some friends from my past were very needy, or had very little going on in their lives so, it no longer feels genuine to spend time with them. I tend to think of the old Bruce Springsteen tune, "Glory Days" - people who are holding onto their past and not developing new interests or learning anything new in their present lives - it's hard to maintain that connection when all you have in common with them is your past. I also have friends who I am very fond of but who expect more from a friendship than I can offer. I have a busy life and am not available to drop everything whenever a friend calls so, if someone feels that I am not investing enough in the friendship, I will tend to let it go - not because the person is not important to me but because of family and other obligations I only have so much free time. I don't think people should take it personally when a friendship changes or ends - as we all evolve, different people will come into our lives and leave - it doesn't mean we don't value the memories of that friendship, only that time does not stand still.
It's sad when people grow apart. Doesn't just happen in romantic relationships. There's a book I heard about many years ago called, "Necessary Losses" by Judith Viorst. She covers all the different kinds of losses we go through. There are so many reasons why losses occur and relationships and friendships end.
I have a situation going on right now. A long term friend and I are just no longer on the same page. I find her obnoxious, overbearing, and flat out nosy. I have asked her nicely not to probe into my business,my relationship, and my job and to stop asking me how much I paid for something. It is none of her business and generally irritates me.
I have been trying to ease out of her life for a number of years without success. I rarely, if ever call her. I haven't called her in over a year, yet she calls and calls frequently, multiple times a week, even if I don't answer for days on end. If I do answer, if only to shut her up for a few days, she persists in having these long winded conversations, at least 1-2 hours long. If I try to get off the phone quickly, she will call back the next night to "say hello", which she just did the night before. I also have refused to provide my cell number to her, yet she still calls.
Up until now I only saw her about every 5-10 years as we do not live in the same city. Other than her wedding in 1997, I have never visited her. She always finds a way to visit me, by inviting herself. I saw her last year, and absolutely hated the hour that I spent with her prying relentlessly into my relationship, mainly why my SO aren't getting married, why he hasn't asked me, etc. All none of her business. I ended up with a headache after that encounter, and regret that I did not get up and walk out.
However, she has been in a job search for about a year. Her initial plan was to find a job near various family members, none of which panned out. BUT she recently accepted a job about two hours from me, and is squealing in delight that "we're going to be neighbors." Uh nooooo....
My fear is that she wants desperately to become a greater part of my life, and be part of my circle of friends. Quite frankly, there is not a good fit for her there but she want to force her way in. She has called me repeatedly and even had her husband call me to tell me that they will be staying in MY town the night of August 2, and want to get together with me. I have avoided having a conversation with her on this as she will be so hurt and blame everything on me, how cruel I am being to her. She is always the victim in her mind.
There are numerous times I feel quasi-stalked by her. All the calls, the hangups, wanting info about my work schedule, wanting info about where I go, what I do, who I do it with. At one point, she wanted my work phone number, but I told her we were not allowed personal calls. I have recently changed jobs, different hours, different employer, but have no intention of telling her. She would ask me too many questions, ie how much I am making, what are my benefits like. I am afraid she is going to end up in my driveway unannounced that first weekend in August or call the police to "check" on my whereabouts.
I am very stressed out about her move, and her potential unwanted visits. I am seriously considering sending her a letter about how I feel, and that we are not the same people as we were in 1978 (we met in college) and the year is 2015. If I met her today, we would not be friends. and I would run the other way. I don't know how to get across to her without being overly harsh that the close relationship with me that she craves is not going to happen.
There. That is my rant for tonight. And my dilemna.
Last edited by Easybreezy; 07-21-2015 at 08:29 PM..
I am very stressed out about her move, and her potential unwanted visits. I am seriously considering sending her a letter about how I feel, and that we are not the same people as we were in 1978 (we met in college) and the year is 2015. If I met her today, we would not be friends. and I would run the other way. I don't know how to get across to her without being overly harsh that the close relationship with me that she craves is not going to happen.
There. That is my rant for tonight. And my dilemna.
If I were you, I would write the letter as nicely but as firmly as I can. Yes, based on your description, you might be the recipient of some VERY harsh words in return, but as one of the advice columnists -- I forget which one -- said, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission."
I think a few harsh words would be worth getting her off your back.
I can't seem to keep a friendship with someone who doesn't share my point of view on important issues which to me are ethical issues involving relationships or codes of contact. I can't be friends with somebody who cheats on their significant other even if I happen to hate their significant other. I can't be friends with someone if I found out they steal or they take advantage of others. I don't stay friends with people who like to put down others or who lie about things. I can't stay friends with people who are parents and don't put their children's needs first.
The same kind of thing has happened to me in reverse. A friendship will start and seem to develop well for months, and then the person stops calling me and won't return my phone calls, even though as far as I can tell, I have done nothing to offend them. In a couple of those cases, after receiving no reply to a few phone calls/messages, I have even written a short note asking if I had offended them in some way and apologizing if I had -- but, again, no reply. **********
So, why have you have ended or decided not to pursue a friendship for no obviously apparent reason?
Although there are numerous threads approaching this topic (mostly on the line of Why Don't I Have Friends), I am curious to know why you personally would NOT want to be friends with someone who is "nice", intelligent, well-groomed, etc. In other words, what are some of the qualities that make you decide that you just don't want to be friends with someone when there is not an obvious reason for that?
To be clear, I am not talking about meeting someone, finding out you don't have much in common, and then ending it before it really starts, or something like moving to a new state or new parenthood versus continuing a friendship with a childless friend who doesn't like kids, What I am talking about is ending a friendship after many get-togethers with no "issues" and which were apparently enjoyable for both.
For example, let me tell you about a friendship that I WANT to end, but I would feel guilty if I did. This person is ten years older than I am, well-educated, nice, etc., etc. -- BUT she is ten years older than I am but acts about 30 years older (she is in her early 70's). I know she is lonely, but all she talks about is her bad health, plus she is just not able to really do much of anything. However, as she has not treated me badly, if I were to just stop asking her out to lunch or to see a movie, I am fairly sure she would wonder, "Why doesn't she call me any more?" It is not like I feel like I can just say to her that I am bored being with her and that listening to her talk about her health more than any other subject is boring.
The same kind of thing has happened to me in reverse. A friendship will start and seem to develop well for months, and then the person stops calling me and won't return my phone calls, even though as far as I can tell, I have done nothing to offend them. In a couple of those cases, after receiving no reply to a few phone calls/messages, I have even written a short note asking if I had offended them in some way and apologizing if I had -- but, again, no reply. The only thing that I can think of that I might have done to offend those people is that I do admit that I am not very interesting or have a LOT of interests, although my life has been full of "drama", which I hate -- to the point that I will usually go out of my way to not overly share it with others. (In fact, that is why I post on-line so much because I would rather bore strangers than people I truly care about!)
So, why have you have ended or decided not to pursue a friendship for no obviously apparent reason?
It bears mentioning that age means a lot here.
I barely see some of my friends who have kids and I know for a fact that I have done nothing. If I did little to no maintenance (i.e., decided it wasn't worth it, or fun for me to show up to their kids' birthday parties, etc) that would pretty much be the death of the friendship because they are too focused on their family to even think of friendships.
Outside of kids, I also have wondered why people would let someone who was a loyal, nice person just slip away, but you have to realize that people do not all want the same things in life.
You want loyal, nice friends. The next person wants exciting friends, or good looking friends, or wealthy friends. Etc.
The only solution really is to make more friends, which I find a difficult endeavor at my age.
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