What do I do in this group situation? (person, member, introverts)
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I just recently moved to a new city and am trying to develop friends. When I got here, I first joined a group of people that I had met off the internet and frequented a local pub, but that didn't work out. The group was full of drama and there were always a select few participating(out of 500). I wasn't in any of the drama and I kept a low profile. I gave the group itself several chances, but I just wasn't feeling it, so I bowed out and went and did my own thing.
I met another group through meetup that was GREAT. We have so much fun and we play games, hang out and enjoy each others company, we get along very very well. I guess my problem was last night, a friend invited over a new guy and a new girl. We shared personal details about ourselves at the last get together and we have bonded. Well when it came time for the new girl to share her details, she admitted that she cheated on her bf. I don't particularly care for that situation but whatever, its not my business. Well the new guy wanted her number while she was leaving...I started thinking that if someone admits that and it just recently happened...doesn't it take a certain type of person to hang out with someone like that..or is that just being judgemental?
Well, anyways, after she left, me and the guys in the group were talking about going out tonight, and the new guy just invited himself along. Not only that, but I found out that he hangs out at the bar that the FIRST GROUP goes to. So I am iffy about hanging with people I don't know outside of the group, but I didn't say anything. That first group was drama and a bunch of introverts trying to act like extroverts. Anyway, the girls decided to go to a gay club(we have two gay members in our group) and thats totally fine, but that is just not my scene. Well I tried to make conversation with the new guy later on and I told him that I didn't want to go to that club because its just not my thing and this new place that we are going to is great...and his first question to me is...."Are you homophobic?" Now this annoyed me...I mean, I am straight..im in my 30s and I am single..I work hard during the week and my time is limited, but just because I am not interested in going to a gay club, now im homophobic? Everyone has preferences and I told him that I just preferred not to go and he said that he had a lot of gay friends in an other city...ok and what does that matter? Anyway, after that he ignored me at all, got every guys number there but me and left.
So I am supposed to hang out with my guy friends tonight, the girls are doing their thing, but I really really don't like how it went down. I feel like he has a negative way of thinking that I just do not like and its a person from the first group that has infiltrated us. I don't handle situations like this well, so I don't know if I should just talk to the guys about it or let one of the main people that organizes events know..i don't really handle situations like this well and it makes me uncomfortable...so what do I do?
This is just one guy - you say you enjoy the rest of the group's members, so go ahead and hang out with them. People are never going to agree about everything - you can still be cordial to the problematic young man while being closer to your other buddies. Don't talk about him with the other guys - if he has issues or is unfairly judgmental, the rest of the group will realize this after spending more time with him. Meanwhile, continue your friendship with the others and hold your head high.
The young woman doesn't sound like a very nice person, but again, if she returns, treat her politely - no need to make her your best friend. Surely the group is large enough for you to focus on other members rather than these two newbies.
As for "infiltration", this sounds more than a little paranoid to me. I don't see an issue with someone belonging to both groups - this isn't the Sharks and the Jets, after all. If the new guy enjoys the other group more than the one you like, no doubt he'll spend more time with them. Fine - that's his privilege and choice.
So, give it time, play it cool, and don't overthink this. Be cordial to everyone, stick with your own standards and preferences, and don't feel as if you have to defend your choices. "I just don't feel like it tonight, but you all go ahead and have fun" is a perfectly acceptable response. You don't have to go into detail about your reasons or feel bad about tem, so don't let anyone pressure you. Just repeat what you said initially, and change the subject or say, "Oh, there's Joe! I've been wanting to talk to him all night! Catch you later...", and walk away.
its a person from the first group that has infiltrated us.
Technically, YOU are a person from the first group who has infiltrated the second one.
Please correct me if I'm misunderstanding the story, but it sounds to me like these two groups are both open to the public. You entered both of them uninvited, right? So if it's OK for you to do it, it's OK for the other guy to do it too.
As for not wanting to go to a gay club, your reasons are your own. Maybe it's not your scene, maybe you're homophobic, maybe you're in the closet and don't want to be tempted, maybe you're just too tired that particular evening. So what? You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you do or do not want to do something or go somewhere. Just say "No thanks, I think I'll pass." If they press, you could say "I just don't feel like it, thanks." If they continue to press . . . well, people who try and force you to do something your don't want to do aren't really your friends, are they?
Actually I ask because several of the girls have asked me if so and so guy is cool etc etc.
What does that have to do with talking to the group organizers or other group members? They're asking for your opinion on the guy. I'd just say you don't know him that well because you haven't spent much time with him.
I feel like he has a negative way of thinking that I just do not like and its a person from the first group that has infiltrated us. I don't handle situations like this well, so I don't know if I should just talk to the guys about it or let one of the main people that organizes events know..i don't really handle situations like this well and it makes me uncomfortable...so what do I do?
It doesn't really sound like you "get" how Meetup works. New people join groups, as you did, and attend events all the time and in some cases bring their friends. This isn't an "infiltration." This is people trying to expand their social circles just like you are trying to do.
As a long time organizer, if a new member came to me to complain about the friends of a long-time member, I'd be evaluating whether or not the new member should stay or if he/she is going to cause unnecessary problems for the group and therefore should be removed from the group before causing damage.
In my experience, there are always people I like more and like less in groups. Its just the way it is.
Instead of spending your mental energy on this negative aspect of the group, try to focus on what you enjoy about it, and work to connect with the people you have more natural rapport with.
I'm currently in a group that has been meeting for several years. Not meet-up, but it started with a bunch of people who have a shared interest. There are two people in that group who I really do not care for. There are times I want to avoid the meetings because they will be there. But I remind myself that I do like everyone else, and adults are just not always going to click with everyone they meet, so I try to move past it.
Try to think of yourself as a duck, and let these petty annoyances be water that rolls off your back. Don't let a few bad apples ruin your chances to have fun with the rest of the people. I know it can be a challenge, but really your two choices are either find a way to deal with the annoying ones, OR just drop out entirely.
Also realize that over time you will be able to make more personal connections with certain individuals, and those can lead to other socializing opportunities with like-minded people.
I was in a meet-up group a number of years ago, and after a year or so, one of the guys just started inviting some of us over to his place to hang out. He only invited the people that he clicked with. So the formal meet-up group continued, but then some of us actually became closer friends outside of that group. And it wasn't rubbed in the faces of the people at the regular meet-up group, it was just an organic process based on people who click with each other deciding to spend more time together.
This is just one guy - you say you enjoy the rest of the group's members, so go ahead and hang out with them. People are never going to agree about everything - you can still be cordial to the problematic young man while being closer to your other buddies. Don't talk about him with the other guys - if he has issues or is unfairly judgmental, the rest of the group will realize this after spending more time with him. Meanwhile, continue your friendship with the others and hold your head high.
The young woman doesn't sound like a very nice person, but again, if she returns, treat her politely - no need to make her your best friend. Surely the group is large enough for you to focus on other members rather than these two newbies.
As for "infiltration", this sounds more than a little paranoid to me. I don't see an issue with someone belonging to both groups - this isn't the Sharks and the Jets, after all. If the new guy enjoys the other group more than the one you like, no doubt he'll spend more time with them. Fine - that's his privilege and choice.
So, give it time, play it cool, and don't overthink this. Be cordial to everyone, stick with your own standards and preferences, and don't feel as if you have to defend your choices. "I just don't feel like it tonight, but you all go ahead and have fun" is a perfectly acceptable response. You don't have to go into detail about your reasons or feel bad about tem, so don't let anyone pressure you. Just repeat what you said initially, and change the subject or say, "Oh, there's Joe! I've been wanting to talk to him all night! Catch you later...", and walk away.
Good luck to you.
Hey I wanted to wait until I got home to respond to you, but I really liked your advice. I think that you are right on and you weren't judgmental or anything. Thanks, I really appreciate it. I think that is definitely my problem is that I was raised in a real strict household to be nice and polite, but at the end of the day, you are right. I only need to say what you wrote and thats it, I don't owe anyone a explanation..thanks again!
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