Have you apologized for something vague from long ago? (person, member, narcissistic)
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I just finished reading a book that got under my skin and has me contemplating things I've not really done before. (The book is Sense of an Ending, by Julian Barnes). The thrust of the book is that we can't always trust our life memories and the 'lies' we tell ourselves about what we were like in the past. It's a pretty simple but intense book about what happens when someone from our past re-enters our life and has a vastly different set of memories of events and how we acted.
So...
While I've apologized to people for specific transgressions big and small, and some from long ago (I'm in my 40s), I felt a sudden urge to reach out to a handful of people from my deep past and...how to put it...apologize not for what I did but more generally for being an immature a-hole. For falling short of being a loving supportive person.
Granted, it's silly to look back 30 years to adolescence and think I should have been a perfectly adjusted, mature person. That's unfair to myself. I just have this urge to let a few people know that if they're still holding on to hurt feelings, that I'm sorry, and to let themselves off the hook.
But then again, it may also be narcissistic to think that these few people would be holding on to feelings that involved me from that long ago.
My thought is if you randomly cross paths with these people, you could bring it up. If you haven't been in contact with them in a long time, I wouldn't bother. For some, people try hard to forget bad things that have happened to them in the past and you calling them to apologize could just bring up all the bad memories that they worked hard to get over.
My thought is if you randomly cross paths with these people, you could bring it up. If you haven't been in contact with them in a long time, I wouldn't bother. For some, people try hard to forget bad things that have happened to them in the past and you calling them to apologize could just bring up all the bad memories that they worked hard to get over.
That was sort of how the book ended, so yes, that's crossed my mind...best to leave it alone and let the Universe sort it out.
On the other hand, I can think of a couple people from whom such a 'apology' would be really well received but certainly not necessary.
This sounds a lot like making amends while in recovery. I had to do it recently. Basically, what you do is write a short letter saying what you're sorry for, and if you come across the person you make a choice whether to read it to them. I've written one to a co-worker with no intention of reading it to her. It's about healing for YOU, not for them.
I reconnected with some friends on Facebook that I regretted not paying more attention to earlier in life. I tried to make up for it by paying extra special attention to them online.
There's a great book from the 'sixties, "Games People Play" by Erich Bern. One of the games is "Museum". Thats where a person clings to greivances for YEARS then brings them up after no one else can even remember what really happend. You're playing a reverse kind of Museum. Unless you REALLY owe someone an apology, let it go. Your desire to check off imaginary boxes is just self indulgence unless you REALLY owe them an apology.
When my Dad died in 1988, an aunt, Mother's sister, was being a pain in the neck in more ways than one on the day of his funeral, and I finally lost it and wrote her a letter letting her know what I thought of her antics (there's a lot more to that story, but it isn't relevant here).
13 years later, it becomes clear that aunt's demise is near, having been diagnosed with ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease, and I apologized for "the letter" 13 years earlier, even though I knew that some of the things I said needed to be said.
Aunt was diagnosed in September, 2001, and passed in November, 2002.
I apologized at Christmas in 2001.
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