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I don't think so, no. She's an adult and if she has money to stay somewhere else, there's no reason she should expect you to give her room and board when you barely have enough room for yourself. Unless she's really desperate maybe, which it doesn't seem like.
Is she needy in general or is it unusual for her to ask such a big favor? I think that also makes a major difference.
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"Just livin' day by day"
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Quote:
Originally Posted by willow wind
No, you do not need to feel bad. It would be an impossible situation to have your mother move into a studio apartment with you.
Every time she complains to you about her marriage suggest marriage counseling and then change the subject. If she continues on about it, say good bye and hang up. You cannot fix her marriage.
If she keeps talking about moving in with you be firm, insist your place has no room. Then tell her to explore her options elsewhere where she lives on her own if she wants to leave her husband.
What she wants is for you to enable her unhappiness. She wants to move in with you so you can take care of her, listen to her complain non-stop, etc. This is not emotionally healthy for you or her. It would be a disaster.
The resolution to her problems lie within herself. If she wants to leave her husband, she has to figure out how to do it on her own. She has options other than you. Do not enable her.
^^^^^. This. Allowing her to move in will only add on to the root of her problem. Whatever you do, don't enable her.
How about reverse psychology? "If I had a bigger place it might be possible but this place is almost too small for me."
Nope! Because then the next conversation will be "well if I leave him you and I can always get a bigger place together..."
OP, I would just politely say you don't have room for her and turn the conversation towards helping her brainstorm other options. I would definitely mention going back to the house she's trying to sell.
If you are sure she's not being abused, I think it's okay after a while to tell her you feel uncomfortable listening to your mom's marital problems. Tell her you love her but feel it's not appropriate. Emphasize if she was in real danger you'd be there but this feels a little too "intimate business" for a mom & son.
Your mother wants a sounding board 24/7 instead of a couple of hours on the phone a few nights a week. She is an adult and trained you to be a responsible adult and she is not acting like one herself. Running away from her problems won't get them solved. If you give in to her, expect more whining and drama. That is the only reason I can think of for her thinking moving in with you would be better than moving back to her other place and her job.
I agree with everyone. You definitely should not let her move in, but you can still be very supportive of her by offering to help her move back into her own house, help her find a new place to live near her new location or near you. You can help her find a lawyer if need be and maybe go with her to the first appointment (wait in the lobby though DO NOT attend the meeting). Take her to lunch and just listen. If conversation becomes inappropriate, just tell her "okay Mom TMI" and change the subject. Send her random texts asking about her day. If she feels like you are THERE and reaching out, she will feel less inclined to force herself on you and force support out of you.
So CD, should I feel bad about wanting to stay out of her business including denying room and board to my already cramped apartment?
No, you should not. I have a three-bedroom house, my mother's aging, and I told her very directly that she could never live with us. Live near us, yes; we would do our best to help her. But with us, never. Why? How heartless could I be? Well, it's like this:
My mother is effectively insane, with an addiction problem.
My mother is a habitual liar who has been lying to me and concealing things from me all my life.
My mother has been set up for life, twice, and destroyed it all to near-bankruptcy twice. She is a wealth destruction engine--and a very creative one.
My mother has, for years, passive-aggressively chosen to live in places as inaccessible as possible, to make herself harder to visit, so that she will be able to pout in silent victimhood when no one visits her.
On top of those, I am married. The way that works, as I understand it, is that my wife is the most important person in my whole world. "Forsaking all others." This means that I am obligated not to inflict my mother's lunacy on the tranquility of my wife's home. Since my wife feels the same way about me--if I ask for something and tell her it's essential to me, I know she will accept it--I owe her the marital kindness of not putting her in the terrible position of having to say "No, I do not want to live with my mother-in-law" or "Yes, I will accept having my life more or less ruined for your sake" to her husband.
Yes, even though it has taken me decades to overcome nearly every example she set for me, and even though she disliked her whole family when I was growing up and took it out on all of us in many little ways, and even though at first it was not a very pleasant life, she did bring me into the world. And that deserves consideration. But never to the detriment of my wife.
So, while our situations are different, you should not feel bad about wanting to stay out of her business, especially since it was such a struggle to get free of it in the first place.
Hahaha, OP, sorry to laugh but believe me I'm laughing WITH you, not AT you.
First of all, let's get this straight - no, you are not a bad son to feel the way you do. You would not be a bad son to tell your mother straight up that she is welcome to come visit you but that you don't have room for overnight guests at your house and you CERTAINLY don't have room for your mother to move in, even temporarily - especially when she has other options readily available.
Sorry, but I agree with the poster who mentioned that you feel uncomfortable with your mom - which you've expressed on other threads. Your mom is not helpless. Apparently she's not abused. She's not destitute. And I think she is very much out of line to involve you in the drama of her marriage, since apparently that drama doesn't involve any sort of urgent, dangerous situation. She knows you live in a small apartment. She sounds like someone who doesn't understand the concept of boundaries.
And that is where my sardonic laughter comes in. Boy, can I relate. I am 53 and my mother is 76. All my adult life I have had to fortify my boundaries with her on a regular basis. I mean, it's almost like I have to hire guards to guard the border 24/7! She is my mother, and she does love me, and she's not an evil person, so I don't feel like I can label her a "toxic person" and leave her in the dust - but boy she sure can be tiresome and intrusive.
I've had to actually tell my elderly parents firmly that if something happens to my dad, it is not realistic of either of them to expect me to allow my mom to move in with me. My dad? Sure - he's a cake walk. But my mom is a firebreather. She would wreak havoc on my life. I've been adamant for years now - she's never moving in with me.
In fact, my husband and I have been married ten years and before we got married we discussed this and agreed - NEITHER OF OUR MOTHERS COULD EVER MOVE IN WITH US. Never. Never never never.
In fact, get this - we moved last year and we specifically chose a home that only has one bedroom downstairs. The other bedrooms are upstairs. We chose this home specifically because having those bedrooms upstairs means that neither mother can come live with us (neither of them can navigate stairs).
Get this - last week my parents and I went to an estate sale. At the estate sale, there was a new lift for the stairs - one of those chairs that you can sit on and ride up the stairs like a little elevator. It was for sale. My mother looked at me and said, very seriously, "You should buy this for your house because I can't go up and down those stairs." I said, "Why? Why would you need to go upstairs in my house?" She just gave me a blank look.
I have to constantly remind her that she is never moving into my house. In fact, I have to have very detailed conversations with her about this. "Mom, if something happens to Dad, don't worry. We will find you an apartment or townhouse very near us. If you're very elderly, we will help you move into an assisted living place, with plenty of room. You won't have to worry about anything." But I know, in spite of all my very clear directives, she still thinks she should be able to move in with me. Too bad. She messed that option up a LONG time ago - I mean, not just with one thing, but with her overall very pervasive, intrusive, hell raising ways. No way. Like you, I am willing to help my mother but I am not willing to allow her that much access into my private life because she doesn't respect boundaries.
Be frank with her. Dispel any ideas she has of moving in with you. Be firm. If she doesn't like it, too bad.
Tell mom visiting is fine, moving in, violating your lease agreement and cause for termination. As someone who worked im the industry, its no stretch of the truth.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Sorry for the late reply, circumstances outta my control. The martial tension has cooled down and is calm currently. However, just in case, I like the line about it being against my lease, that will be a last resort though. I'll drop countless other hints that Casa de Diss is a one man home and no other tenants are allowed.
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