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In general what do you think about this? Do you think people should be more up front or do you think that people should just cut off out of the blue?
Just wondering what people think? I've had this happen a twice and thinking about it i'd prefer if the person would've said to me instead of leaving me hanging wondering what I did and whether or not we were in speaking terms.
That's a form of lying and I don't like liars. It's better to just tell people directly, "you know I am going to be working alot and don't think am going to have any time for friends for the foreseeable future but, thanks for the offer."
or I would just explain 'remember when we had that big argument, i don't think I want to be friends' or 'I just think we have different interests so I am gong to remain on my own.' I've actually said that to a few people. It was true. They were way out there and too wild for me.
To ignore somebody that we were once friendly with though, just makes us look bad in their eyes. Like the people we dislike, somehow got the best of us or we just have a nasty attitude altogether, therefore, come out losing. so honesty is the best policy.
Location: Northern Ireland and temporarily England
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I agree with everything you've said. Although honesty might be the best policy I think the best solution is to do and say what you've got in a little more of a sensitive manner.
Some people cannot take hints, subtle or overt. Or they do not understand that while you may be happy to see/talk to them sometimes, they want/need/expect way too much until they are smothering you with needy demands.
I have known several people like this, as has almost everyone I know. It is not that we are being unkind by dropping them abruptly, it is that they don't/won't/can't realize that they are smothering and trying to control everything - they start the passive aggressive bs, demanding to know why this that and the other until it really is a kindness to all involved just to disappear since reasoning and explanations don't work.
You can explain til you are blue in the face, but since they refuse to accept what you say if it isn't what they want to hear, they will see themselves once again as the victim, who was dropped for no reason.
This may or may not be the case with you, but if it is something that happens more than just occasionally you might consider it could be a possible reason. Most people don't just fade into the woodwork without a good reason.
Im pretty sure you wouldn't like it if the person called you up and presented you with the list of reasons OP.
I have dropped a few people. I am sure they would not want to be presented with the list of reasons. It is an uncomfortable situation. For the most part I am pretty sure the person "knows" whether they want to admit it or not.
I have been dropped also. At the moment it hurt, I cried, I felt confused and somewhat desperate, but after some time I figured it all out and I really didn't care. Interesting that that person wants back into my life--I am done. I will have proper manners, but it is over.
I've dropped some people but I'm never rude about it. Sometimes you just figure out someone isn't a healthy presence in your life, isn't that good of a friend to you, or at the end of the day is just not your kind of person. When this has happened to me, I've tried it both ways - letting the person know exactly why and just phasing them out. The latter is VASTLY easier for both people. I don't want to make someone feel bad for being themselves, just because they don't happen to jive with me. Whenever ANYONE tells you "I don't want to be your friend for xyz reason," your natural human response is to be defensive and angry (best case) and/or be deeply hurt (worst case). If the person didn't break any laws, I don't really want to get dragged into arguments/negativity OR make them feel bad. So I'll phase 'em out... it probably just feels like we grew apart and didn't keep in touch. No muss, no fuss.
I have slowly phased out some people from my life. They were the ones who tried manipulating me. They wanted to be friends with me because they had an ulterior motive like making me their client. I would rather be friends with someone who would tell me upfront that they would like to do business with me rather than become friends first & then sneak in their products or services in discussions. When I figure out their motive I start avoiding their calls & make excuses for not being able to connect with them until they stop bothering me. I have been upfront with a few obnoxious people & told them I don't want to be friends with them anymore but this was back in college. I have matured since then & can handle such people more diplomatically. I have done that to some of my family members as well. Sometimes you are better off cutting out negative, manipulative people from your life. You open space for better people to move into your life. Never felt bad about it.
An acquaintance at work once told me I was 'a hard nut to crack' when I complained to her about another, married female co-worker trying to force a friendship on me (I do not entertain the wives of other men). I'm not a friendly, extroverted person by nature, and I speak to the people I choose to speak to, don't go out of my way, blah, blah, blah. Basically I'm very particular about the folks I get close to, and this saves me from TONS of pointless BS. I don't have the sort of friends who cling and 'demand to know why' something they want isn't going to happen. The moment I see it, I shut it down.
I would never impose myself on anyone else by constantly messaging them on FB (and checking by the hour like a moron for reply, then getting angry at the lack of one). I'd never sit around trying to come up with witty crap to post just to garner 'Likes'. Just because we worked a summer together at Taco Bell two years ago doesn't mean I can randomly run into you at the mall and just invite myself to tag along for the rest of the day. Sadly, these people exist.
I actually enjoy phasing people out of my life that are either flaky or toxic. That being said, the trick is not to befriend people like this in the first place. My preferred method to get rid of people like this is "the slow fade", which typically works every time.
All I know is that if it gets to the point where I drop a friend, the person would have to be a bit of a moron not to have an inkling why. I usually create distance after some kind of defining event.
For example, someone offered to help me move. A week before the move, she disappeared. We had plans yesterday, for which I had to keep my calendar clear. One hour goes by. Two. I sent two messages on FB, one phone-to-phone text, and called and left one voicemail, starting with "Where would you like to meet up?" to "Still on today?" to, in the voicemail, "I hope you're okay."
Six hours later, I received a response on FB: "It's my parents' anniversary! I totally forgot!"
This, after I had just spoken to her a couple of days earlier.
No apology. No embarrassed acknowledgment that her screwing up the dates may have inconvenienced me. No mortification that she stood someone up when the reason we were getting together was her birthday.
Well, now I have a $30 gift card to spend at Lush, and I will not be extending or accepting any invitations for a good long while, if ever.
Last edited by Zennia; 09-29-2015 at 09:18 AM..
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