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My mother was the party type when she was a teenager. She told she snuck out one time and went to a party when she was 14. She got pregnant and had me. She has never been critical of me and has always been a supportive mother to me and my sisters.
Jeez, doesn't anyone have anything nice to say about their mother? My mother raised three kids on her own while working full time, cooked our meals, cleaned our clothes and [B]always put our needs above hers. If she ever had anything bad to say, I don't honestly remember it.
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Pacecar,
Count your blessings and I mean that sincerely. There are lots of mothers like yours out there, but a lot of us didn't get one of those. On the scale of all mothers mine was certainly far better, a saint as compared to the really bad mothers. She would be on the upper half but backside of the bell curve for my upbringing as far as love, affection and acceptance went. For my youngest sister (and her favorite child) and my youngest brother she was somewhere on the front side of the bell curve for that. In all other ways, keeping house, keeping us fed, in school and in some semblance of clothing, she was probably above average. I'm a realist and it is what it is. I made my lemonade out of the lemons in life but I don't do revisionist history for any feel good reason, never did, never will.
My mother was critical when I was younger, I hated helping clean house because what I did was never right, she always said "if you are going to do it half-assed just don't do it at all" drove me batty.
I was blessed to have a great Mom. She was that way because my grandmother was evil and she wanted to be nothing like her mom. My Mom was the only one that didn't get involved with or buy into my grandmother's drama, yet she still loved and honored her and unfortunately we lived three doors down from my grandmother.
My Mom was never critical of anyone that I can remember.
Wow, I never knew I had so many siblings out there!!!! We clearly all have the SAME mother!
It's sad because growing up around the critical/negative behavior, you have no idea that it isn't "normal". And by the time you figure out it is (if you do), the damage is done. I put myself in this category. I've been working all my adult life to overcome the seeds planted by my mother (and family in general) during my formative years. It's affected my romantic relationships, relationship with my sister, and my general mental health.
My parents divorced when I was just 2, and my mom (who had never worked a day in her life) found herself a single mom with a 10 yr old & a 2 yr old. She had no money of her own, no job, so she had no choice but move us all back home with her parents. My grandparents (and my mom's entire side of the family) were very well known, well-respected, and fairly well-off in the town where they lived, especially my grandpa who was a pillar of the community. I know my mom was very embarrassed and ashamed that she had to return home and live with them after her divorce. I don't know if that shame was self-imposed or if my grandparents made her feel that way. At any rate, my mom was the perennial victim. Poor "Susie", she had to come back home to live; poor Susie, raising those kids on her own; poor Susie, trying to finish her degree and take care of those kids on her own". But the truth was....she DIDN'T do it on her own! For all intents & purposes, my grandmother raised me, not my mom. Even though she was "there". She was always pre-occupied with herself. It was my grandmother who cooked all the meals and fed us, cleaned the house, did the grocery shopping & all the other domestic duties. My mom finally finished her degree and started teaching, and then she literally did nothing but work and come home and retreat to her room. She never played with me, or took me to do anything fun. I never had a birthday party as a child. I never went trick-or-treating as a child. Why? Because that was too much work for my mom! She "spent all day dealing with kids in the classroom and didn't want to come home to deal with more in the evening"! She said this 1000 times. So, I never was allowed to have friends come over (she had been around kids all day - didn't want them around all evening, too). But I wasn't allowed to go over to friends' houses after school because "they live in a bad part of town" or "their parents aren't the kind of people you should be hanging out with". It was a combination of both narcissism and abandonment by my mother. NO, she didn't physically abandon us, but she wasn't "there" emotionally either.
Even into adulthood, I couldn't do anything right. She criticized my housekeeping, my choice of clothes or hairstyle. Once she asked why I cut all my hair off, and told me that my long hair was part of what made me pretty and without it, I just wasn't that pretty. She criticized everyone else, too. She was fake and all smiles & syrupy sweet around people in the community, at church, etc. But then at home, she was criticizing everything about them. We moved out of my grandparents' house when I was 9 yrs old. She remarried, and my new step-dad had a very good job and did very well for himself, and they built a big house on a piece of property my grandpa deeded to them. Around my step-dad, she was all sweet & fawning over him, but when he was gone.....she complained & ridiculed everything he did. She made fun of him, too. And I remember her telling me at a very young age that she didn't "love" him, she married him for financial security. I was probably 10 or 11 when she told me this. What do you think that did for MY idea of what marriage should look like????
Oh my, I could write a book. I need to make an appointment with my therapist! LOL...
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