Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Just hoping to get some thoughts simply because for some reason this has been bugging as of late.
Ill give the cliff note version.
40 years old, 1 brother. We both haven't spoken to our father for about 25 years. Bothers me occasionally but brother couldn't care less. The part that makes the whole thing complicated is father was abusive towards mother and literally went to prison for years (actually beat and stabbed mother almost to death) and obviously we were raised by our mother and basically never spoke to him again.
I've heard the occasional update on him from extended family and it basically seems like the guy moved across coutry and basically has lost touch with basically everone on his side. Works and has a small apt with no significant other or children I'm aware of. Kind of feel sad for the guy for some reason.
Its only recent but I've wanted to possibly reach out to him for reasons I don't even understand.
Brother thinks I'm nuts. And I feel guilty because of my loyalty to my mother.
Sorry for the rant thanks for reading and any insight you may have.
Oh yeah...sorry of that wasn't clear. Pretty sure he wouldn't have ever been released if she didn't make it. I kind of feel like a trader because she raised us...can't explain why
I genuinely think that this is someone you don't want to risk letting into your life. You drew a bad hand with the dad you ended up with, and I'm really sorry about that. If you feel like something is missing from your life though, you would do better to seek out older male friends or mentors.
My favorite ex finally gave up trying to repair his relationship with his biological father and considers his stepfather to be his true father, and he has had some very dear friendships with older men who have similar interests (old cars, primarily). These relationships have given him far more than a father-son relationship with his highly defective biodad ever could have. (And his father wasn't even violent.)
But this guy made his choices and is reaping what he sowed - don't feel bad for him. There is no need to involve yourself with someone capable of that kind of violence. The fact that he is still alone and distant from his family should tell you that he has probably not become a better person. I'd be glad he's out of your life and that he wasn't able to actually kill your mother, if I were you.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,742,544 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beansprout
Just hoping to get some thoughts simply because for some reason this has been bugging as of late.
Ill give the cliff note version.
40 years old, 1 brother. We both haven't spoken to our father for about 25 years. Bothers me occasionally but brother couldn't care less. The part that makes the whole thing complicated is father was abusive towards mother and literally went to prison for years (actually beat and stabbed mother almost to death) and obviously we were raised by our mother and basically never spoke to him again.
I've heard the occasional update on him from extended family and it basically seems like the guy moved across coutry and basically has lost touch with basically everone on his side. Works and has a small apt with no significant other or children I'm aware of. Kind of feel sad for the guy for some reason.
Its only recent but I've wanted to possibly reach out to him for reasons I don't even understand.
Brother thinks I'm nuts. And I feel guilty because of my loyalty to my mother.
Sorry for the rant thanks for reading and any insight you may have.
I can understand where you are coming from. My father was an alcohol abusing man who was more interesting in finding a good Budweiser to drink than he was interested in doing right by my mother or being a good father to me.
Our relationship's worst point was during my senior year of HS. He had started a heated argument with my mother not even two weeks after she buried her mother. Then when I didn't talk to him after that and excluded him from my HS graduation, we got into it and didn't talk for three years. Four years later, he passed away from liver cirrhosis. I rushed to his bedside to say my peace and goodbye because even at the end of the day after all the drama, he was my father and I loved him.
My point is you are not wrong for desiring a good relationship with your father. That is just a natural desire especially us male offspring have. I don't think your loyalty to your mother should play into it. If anything, your mother should realize that your desire to have your father in her life does not mean you condone what your father did to her. I would be careful, to make sure he will not have a negative impact on you, but if you want to have a relationship with your father and are willing to reach out to him, I say go for it.
Yes, your father was abusive and did a very, very terrible thing (beating your mother) however he served his time in prison and may have totally turned his life around.
Yes, it was very wrong but perhaps he was mentally ill and not on medication or an alcoholic or drug abuser and now he has changed. Maybe he cries himself to sleep each night regretting the poor choices that he made in life and the family that he lost. Or maybe he is a jerk and a dirt-ball who never should have married and had children. But you don't know.
I believe in second chances. IF you want to contact him, I think that you should do that. After all it has been 25 years and he is your biological father. Maybe you will establish some type of relationship with him or maybe you will decide to never speak to him again. But, you don't know until you try it.
If you feel that it would be disloyal to your mother or don't want to contact him that is up to you. Obviously, you are thinking about it and it is bothering you not to at least attempt to reconnect.
I don't see this as hard at all- leave the guy alone. Take a hint- he doesn't live across the country hoping to see you walk down his street. All you will ever bring to him are bad memories. If you do decide to contact him, you have only yourself to blame when it goes down bad. Leave the guy alone. This isn't TV, this is reality. If he wants to contact you, he will. Obviously, he doesn't.
A lot depends on how old you are and how mature you are. If younger than 25, I'd wait to contact him, simply because I think you need more years of living to deal with this situation. If you do contact him, I'd be careful. You might initiate an email relationship, divulging no other contact info at first.
If he expresses remorse without prompting, then you might take a chance on some sort of relationship. If he does not volunteer remorse about his violence and poor parenting, then you know without a doubt that he is not a person you want in your life.
I think you want to reconnect because you need either closure or to feel that he does love you. I fear you may have a bad surprise, but I understand your need. Protect yourself if you contact him.
You certainly can do searches online for his name. You might unearth some info you did not know that way.
I can understand where you are coming from. My father was an alcohol abusing man who was more interesting in finding a good Budweiser to drink than he was interested in doing right by my mother or being a good father to me.
Our relationship's worst point was during my senior year of HS. He had started a heated argument with my mother not even two weeks after she buried her mother. Then when I didn't talk to him after that and excluded him from my HS graduation, we got into it and didn't talk for three years. Four years later, he passed away from liver cirrhosis. I rushed to his bedside to say my peace and goodbye because even at the end of the day after all the drama, he was my father and I loved him.
My point is you are not wrong for desiring a good relationship with your father. That is just a natural desire especially us male offspring have. I don't think your loyalty to your mother should play into it. If anything, your mother should realize that your desire to have your father in her life does not mean you condone what your father did to her. I would be careful, to make sure he will not have a negative impact on you, but if you want to have a relationship with your father and are willing to reach out to him, I say go for it.
One thing that I'm afraid of is something you mentioned. Him passing away and my last basic memory of him being something from when I was a teen. This whole thing I'm feeling I think started about a month ago when his older brother passed. That uncle was my favorite but that side of the family was basically severed after what happened with my parents. I felt so bad hearing he passed knowing I never got to see him and I feel bad for my cousins (his kids), I don't talk to anyone on that side like I said.
Just a crappy situation all the way around. Sorry to hear about your situation also.
I think your mother deserves to have final say in this, because of the possibility that if he knows where she is he may return and commit more violence. If she doesn't want you to contact him, then don't do it while she's still alive.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
