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A car is a luxury item. Being evicted from a home is different. Plus he is only screwing himself as most likey he would inherit half the house.
Not always. Here, where public transportation is virtually non-existent, a car is not a luxury. The OP stated that they needed it to get back and forth to work.
Other than the fact that they are asking for a large sum and won't be able to pay it back?
Other than the fact that if the OP really wanted to give them the money, he wouldn't come onto a message board and make a post about it?
"One mistake, 8 years ago", may not sound like a big deal to YOU, but if the OP made a post about it instead of just giving them the money, it is a big deal to him.
We are not the only ones projecting.
Right, and a surprisingly high number of you want revenge for that one incident.
If the op wanted support for a [bad] decision he already made to tell his parents, 'No loan for you', he's gotten it.
All of this makes me sad. Just remember that when we come to the end of life, material things do not matter, only relationships do. I would urge you all to reconcile with all of your loved ones. That does not mean to be docile and enabling, or resentful or guilty. Be clear about your feelings in I language. Pray about it and move forward as you are impressed and move on.
You do realize that it's not only up to us to reconcile, but the other person/people involved, right? Many issues people have have absolutely nothing to do with material things. Treat me like crap, expect it right back! I've bent over backwards for years to accommodate family members only to be crapped on repeatedly. Why would I keep putting myself through that? What's there to reconcile? Some people don't care that they crap on others.....everything is alllll about them.....so what on earth is there to reconcile?
You and lots of others are putting your own rotten parents in place of what the op said about his:
"I am not a spiteful person but part of me does want to say, "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps..." However, really, there's no other reasons why I shouldn't give them the money."
See, in his own words, this was the only reason he has to not give them the money. One mistake, 8 years ago. It sounds like many of you are expressing angst over your own nasty parents and want him to take revenge on your behalf.
I've seen many families and friendships ruined by loaning money. Ever watch Judge Judy or People's Court? People don't repay loans unless you hound them and force them to.
I'd sit down with them and tell them exactly how the way they treated you when you needed a loan made you feel and how it has affected your feelings for them and your reaction to their request. Stay calm and just state the facts, but say everything you have always wanted to say about that experience. Lay it all out, but don't be overly emotional or accusative.
Listen to what they have to say in reply. Then make your decision about whether to loan them money based on how they respond.
If you do decide to make the loan, make it a in a businesslike manner. Get legal advice and have a lawyer draw up document with a payment schedule and an agreement on what happens if they do not make payments in a timely manner.
You have a right to feel as you do, but you probably owe it to your parents to let them know how that experience has affected your relationship with them and why their request for a loan bothers you so much. Give them the opportunity to help you heal that old wound if they choose. Then you will have some objective information to help you make your decision about the loan.
I think this is really good advice.
While they didn’t loan the OP money that one time...unless they dropped him off with someone else when he was born, I’m assuming they did spend $$$$$ to raise him. So that’s got to be worth something. It doesn’t mean that he’s required to loan them the money, of course, but it means that there are things that could be hashed out before saying no immediately.
My sister snarled at me when I moved back from Hawaii that the only reason I came back was "I wanted the house." She was so mean and like a different person who I didn't know. Mind you, my parents had no intention of dying soon. She had never moved out, never had a job, spent all her time on her makeup. The whole boom was going on in the Pacific NW at the time. I told my mom that she should be worried.
My whole family saw her get away with it and now they're all like that.
If I loaned my sister money, she would think I was an idiot fool and a sucker.
You're not going to get a happy ending. If they're not acknowledging, then SEE THAT. Quit watching tv too. Those Hallmark movies where everyone has a happy ending, I beat myself up for years that it must be my fault somehow. I haven't watched tv for years now and I cant believe I put up with that sh- for so long. Wasted my life.
There's plenty of good people who you could loan money to, who feel good and who aren't going to ********* over because they've never been like that. Seek them out instead and give them help. You sound like a nice person, because you have these feelings.
I told my rich boat owner that if my family asked for money don't lend it to them or you'll open a door, and he really liked me after that.
Your parents sound terrible no offense. I'd loan them money anyways though. Be the better man. Gotta help others out especially your family. Teach them a lesson.
The problem is, if the OP does draw up a contract saying he gets the house, there's not a judge who will enforce it. It will be in the papers "Hard hearted offspring." He'll have the house legally, but will have to let the parents continue to live in it. He can force them out somewhere else gradually, or sell it from under them and put them somewhere else. I think they should be allowed to reach the 11:59 hour so its real to them that this is reality. Then they can be prepared for the move out and house sell that is going to come for sure.
Be the stronger person and give them the money. Put your name on the title.
They are your parents. Would you really want them to lose their house and experience all the pain and grief that comes with it? Could you sleep at night with the thought you could have prevented it? What if they lose the house and get sick through the stress and die?
Not always. Here, where public transportation is virtually non-existent, a car is not a luxury. The OP stated that they needed it to get back and forth to work.
I agree. Where I grew up, you had to either have a car or live walking distance from work (and it sure sucks to walk a mile or two to work in below zero windchill). We only have public transit near the college campuses and even then it's not functional if you need to go outside the 3 mile radius of campus and the downtown part of the city. Everyone I knew who couldn't drive was basically dependent on someone else to drive them around...if you live by yourself and don't have that, that can definitely mess you up regarding getting to work. And cabs are very expensive there, they don't just "run" the way they do in other cities...you have to call them and then wait for them to come get you. If you don't have $200 to get your car out of impound you probably can't take a cab both ways to work for a week either. And you probably can't afford to rent a car considering they all charge the underage fee if you aren't 25 (don't know how old OP was at the time) and some won't even rent to you if you are under 21, depends on the state. So, yeah, a car is not a luxury if you don't have public transportation or someone else to give you a ride.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts
You do realize that it's not only up to us to reconcile, but the other person/people involved, right? Many issues people have have absolutely nothing to do with material things. Treat me like crap, expect it right back! I've bent over backwards for years to accommodate family members only to be crapped on repeatedly. Why would I keep putting myself through that? What's there to reconcile? Some people don't care that they crap on others.....everything is alllll about them.....so what on earth is there to reconcile?
Totally agree that some people think you (generic) should just be a doormat and accept bad behavior because you happen to share some common genes. Reconciliation is a two way street and if they're not willing to change their behavior or even attempt to see things from your point of view, you are the only one making concessions...when it's always YOU that is the only one making concessions, it's time to stop investing in the relationship, even if it is a family member. I don't understand people who complain about how they are treated by a relative but refuse to set boundaries or even cut off contact if need be (not saying you need to in this case, but just in general). Anyone who believes that it's all on you is either someone who never dealt with a toxic relative or someone who IS the toxic relative.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ss20ts
I've seen many families and friendships ruined by loaning money. Ever watch Judge Judy or People's Court? People don't repay loans unless you hound them and force them to.
I agree with this too.
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