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My feelings aren't very complicated.
I feel indiference mixed with a little bit of pity towards my father and love my mother.
Neither had a very good life, but one tried to do the best she could given the circumstances. The other polluted everything he touched (And he's now all alone. Does he ever wonder why?)
I think almost everyone can relate to this. Parent-child relationships are very complex, long lasting, and change over the years. As I've gotten older it has become easier to just view my parents as normal humans with their own baggage, positive and negative. It is easy to just laugh to myself at the ridiculous now, but that's not as easy when you're young and dependent on parents.
^^^^^^ This.
I moved three states away in my younger years to get away from my controlling mother but I always got along with my easy-going Dad.
After about 4 years of that and the birth of my son - I finally felt close to my mother and we moved back home. Suddenly, it was no longer about me but about my son-she loved him to the moon and back.
She would come over and fix dinner or organize his toys (all things that would have driven me INSANE) pre-baby. But I was tired, overworked, overextended and she was a great big help.
Suddenly, we had something in common; I would call her every day because she was as excited as I was about every new thing my son did. (rollover, walk, talk, what happened at daycare, etc).
I'm so glad that we had the opportunity to reconfigure our relationship. She died when my son was 6 and it was a huge loss for him. She felt that every child needed that ONE person who thought they could do no wrong and she was that person for him. She made me a better mother.
Keep in mind, I was 35 when all this happened so . . it took a long time.
We would still fight on those daily phone calls and hang up on each other, but it never lasted.
People here are saying that it's normal to have a difficult relationship with your parents, and although it's pretty common, it's definitely not normal. One of the things I learned as I left the nest and got older is just how abnormal my family was and how relatively easy the relationships were between my peers and their parents and siblings.
No one is perfect and parents are only human, but when it crosses the line into abuse, controlling behaviors, manipulation, and outright neglect, then it has gone too far. Continuing to accept that treatment from them (or denying it altogether) is unhealthy and takes a real emotional toll.
You're probably one of the most patient, empathetic, and sensible people on Citi-Data...and both your parents had narcissistic tendencies. Well, that's a surprise.
Dude, thanks a lot. Probably one of the nicest compliments I've ever been paid.
Well, another thing I should say about my parents is that they made sure I had good people in my life. My parents have and always had many wonderful friends, and I have some wonderful extended family members. My father's best friends are/were a married couple (the wife is now deceased). They have been a big part of my moral compass - I consider them spiritual mentors in a way.
Oddly, in observing my parents, I noticed that they kept the people most like them at arms' length (I've actually seen them politely keep people at a distance in interactions) and cultivated close relationships with people who were unlike them. Honestly, part of the reasons I started this thread is because it's so complex - I'm still sorting through all the wonderful things I was given in life and the more brutal drawbacks and dysfunction.
I mean, what it comes down to is that I am loved and I have a very happy life. That's the important stuff. But I'm trying to unpack the layers so I can address the things in my life and about me that aren't so great. My parents are behind the very best and the very worst things about me, and if I think about it too much my head starts to hurt. LOL
I have very complicated feelings. My parents were both alcoholics. They were not neglectful, but they did put alcohol above everything else in their lives.
I was lucky in that they were not abusive. But they did create a mess of their lives. And it has affected me in many ways.
My father died when I was 17, alone in a hotel, with bottles of vodka around the room. My parents had separated about a year earlier.
I had hoped my mother could put this behind her and move on. Instead, she sank even further into alcoholism. Within the next year, she lost her job and got two DUIs. I graduated from high school and I went to live with family out of state. I was pretty miserable my senior year of high school.
I made peace with my father's situation. But my mother's continuing problems have just dragged on since then. I am determined, however, not to live the next 30 years in misery because of it.
My relationship with my parents is definitely complex. They are essentially walking proverbial train wrecks. I think many people can relate to that.
I used to have to field "parent questions" when I was young like "so where do your parents live? What do they do?" Basic questions were awkward for me to answer because the truthful answers were sometimes harsh depending on the situation at the time. My parents - in varying stages of their lives were homeless/drug addicts/alcoholics/abusive/unemployed living off welfare/unemployed/or I just haven't seen them in years (at this time, I haven't seen my mom in 10 years).
My parents didn't invest in my future (they didn't raise me as much as I was a latchkey free range kid which didn't fair well for me). They were too busy being self absorbed along with other things. But, my dad loved me I think. I just don't think he had the ability to be a "normal" person. He's immature, his communication skills suck, he has WAY too much baggage to have a functional relationship of any kind. It's been hard dealing him now that he's old and disabled. In many ways I resent it because he was such an epic failure as a father. Then there's that part of me that remembers that he wasn't always terrible. There were moments when I was a little kid that I loved him.
My mother is the type that has zero maternal instinct. She abandoned me when I was 11 and didn't contact me for... 8 years I think. Even before then I was treated as a burden. There are people who say things to me like "but she's your MOM!!!" As if, somehow that obligates me to deal with her. She has taught me that, it doesn't matter who you are, you can cross a line with your kids - betray them to the point that they'll never want to see you again. People can go too far. And she definitely did with me. No good points to say about her I'm afraid.
Despite all this, no matter what type of parents we have, life can move forward. I think it's good to talk about and acknowledge where we've been and where we are.
Dude, thanks a lot. Probably one of the nicest compliments I've ever been paid.
Well, another thing I should say about my parents is that they made sure I had good people in my life. My parents have and always had many wonderful friends, and I have some wonderful extended family members. My father's best friends are/were a married couple (the wife is now deceased). They have been a big part of my moral compass - I consider them spiritual mentors in a way.
Oddly, in observing my parents, I noticed that they kept the people most like them at arms' length (I've actually seen them politely keep people at a distance in interactions) and cultivated close relationships with people who were unlike them. Honestly, part of the reasons I started this thread is because it's so complex - I'm still sorting through all the wonderful things I was given in life and the more brutal drawbacks and dysfunction.
I mean, what it comes down to is that I am loved and I have a very happy life. That's the important stuff. But I'm trying to unpack the layers so I can address the things in my life and about me that aren't so great. My parents are behind the very best and the very worst things about me, and if I think about it too much my head starts to hurt. LOL
Jrz,
A couple of thoughts
Firstly, your parents raised a wonderful, kind, sensitive and intelligent individual. They nurtured her to the absolute best of their ability and you are a walking talking display of their best intentions, to all of us here on CD. They have Succeeded At What They Set Out To Do, in style.
Secondly, every single negative emotion you have will *vanish* like it never existed when that parent passes.
Only then do you realize the true quality and value of the (clearly) unconditional love you received.
It's one of life's unpleasant little jokes.
But I hope you take this advice - your parents will not be there for ever. Value them while they are.
People here are saying that it's normal to have a difficult relationship with your parents, and although it's pretty common, it's definitely not normal. One of the things I learned as I left the nest and got older is just how abnormal my family was and how relatively easy the relationships were between my peers and their parents and siblings.
No one is perfect and parents are only human, but when it crosses the line into abuse, controlling behaviors, manipulation, and outright neglect, then it has gone too far. Continuing to accept that treatment from them (or denying it altogether) is unhealthy and takes a real emotional toll.
Excellent post. I agree. Many people have supportive parents, but too many of us don't. Parents are only human, and we can't expect them to be perfect, but it is fair to expect them to be loving supportive role models in our lives. But we as children, also have an obligation to them; to be caring and loving children who take an active interst in our parents' well being. The parent-child relationship should be a mutual one, as are all normal human relationships. Parental relationships with adult children should not be parasitic. Abusive or neglectful parents don't deserve our loyalty and respect. Giving us life isn't a get out of jail free card which allows parents to treat their kids shabbily.
My dad, very mixed - he was an alcoholic, but a gentle fun loving guy
My mother - not mixed at all - negative through and through and always has been, even when I was a kid my school friends remember me not speaking about her or to her, or her to me.
No redeeming features apart from -
she fed, clothed, watered and laundered for us, stayed in of a night, didn't drink, educated us to legal cut off.
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