mom is threatening me if I move out (grandmother, house, issues)
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Maybe your Mom would be open to a compromise? How about renting a room or a small apartment closer to campus, where you would stay when you need to be at school early; on weekends and during the week when you don't have to be on campus early, you could stay with your Mom. That might feel less like "moving away" to her, and might therefore be less upsetting to her, but would still give you more freedom and independence.
The thing is, it's not unbearable living with her. We get along fine and I have my own space, but I'm a man and it just looks bad that someone of my age and my education level still lives at home with his mom. I need to grow up. Plus I have to get onto campus early next semester and traffic is absolutely hellish here in Houston so I really don't want to deal with that.
I know this must be unpleasant, but how long do you actually anticipate staying in law school? If you want/need the health insurance, etc., it seems like a trade off you should be willing to make. Really, how scornful could your friends actually be of you living at "home" if you are getting a good financial deal out of it, not to mention helpful logistics?
I'd be the first one to say Mom needs to address her own personal problems, but it also seems to me you want to have your cake and eat it, too. You want her to pony up for your financial expenses while you live in a way that will enable you to entertain friends and keep the schedule you'd like to have.
You need to have a blunt talk with your mother where you lay out your future plans for her. Tell her you want to be on your own sooner rather than later and detail when you expect to be financially independent. Tell her she needs to prepare for that day, getting therapy if she needs it. Tell her you're willing to stay now as a fair exchange for what she's giving you but you have no intention of this being a permanent arrangement. Maybe if she gets some therapy for her issues of loneliness, fear of independence, or whatever his making her hold on to you, she will lessen up that hold and you might make the break sooner rather than later.
In the meantime, face it, you could have far worse problems than you have now. As you admit, "... it's not unbearable living with her. We get along fine and I have my own space."
The thing is, it's not unbearable living with her. We get along fine and I have my own space, but I'm a man and it just looks bad that someone of my age and my education level still lives at home with his mom. I need to grow up. Plus I have to get onto campus early next semester and traffic is absolutely hellish here in Houston so I really don't want to deal with that.
"Sacrifice your youth to live at home" -- that's a little melodramatic, isn't it? So . . . tell me again why it "looks bad"? Looks bad to who -- girls? You are an improverished law student - how's that for "education level"? I can understand the need to declare your independence, yada yada yada. But just how much debt do you WANT to be stuck with when you finish up law school?
But you have some valid points about traffic, etc. (I live in Atlanta, I could tell you a thing or two about traffic!) What do you consider a "horrendous" commute? 15 minutes? 90 minutes? As a parent with two mid-20's children, I agree that it's a pretty petty move to threaten to cut you off if you don't live with her. On the other hand -- you want to be independent, but you can't really. Frustrating, huh? "Independent" is more than just having your own place. It's also taking care of your own needs. Your mom is paying your way in terms of creature comforts such as a phone and a car, and critical components such as health insurance. You want your cake -- car, phone, insurance -- and you want to eat it, too: Your own place. (Why is your car still in your mother's name? Just askin') Is she worried about footing a larger bill for your "independence" in the form of a rental, securty deposits, utility costs, etc., etc.? You can stay on her insurance only until you are 26 -- so you are going to be having to look for insurance pretty soon, anyway.
I don't know what you're going to do. Maybe check with your university to see if they offer some subsidized health care for students? The other option is to suggest that your Mom move closer to campus if she's so anxious to have you live wth her. :-) BTW, the suggestion to demand a better car, etc. wouldn't work with me as a mom. I'd tell you that if you didn't like it, you could take the bus. :-)
Well, there is a glut of lawyers in the US. So it might be best to save money in case your career takes a while to get started after you graduate from law school. Just a thought.
It really doesn't look bad to people in their 20s, there are plenty of people your age who live at home because they can't afford to be on their own. It's why it's gotten the nickname "boomerang generation" . I'm with other posters, you have you're stuff together. You're in law school, you're practical and are saving the money you'd use for rent, not blowing it on fun "toys" and family obviously means something to you.
Those are all huge positives, the living at home really isn't a big deal breaker.
My mother did this to my brother. If OP stays, this won't end when he gets out of school. OP needs to be prepared for that. It won't be financial but emotional blackmail at that point. If that happens, OP needs to try to encourage his mother to seek counseling. I saw what a mother like this can do to a child and I would not wish that on anyone.
It wouldn't be a bad idea for the mother to seek counseling now.
The thing is, it's not unbearable living with her. We get along fine and I have my own space, but I'm a man and it just looks bad that someone of my age and my education level still lives at home with his mom. I need to grow up. Plus I have to get onto campus early next semester and traffic is absolutely hellish here in Houston so I really don't want to deal with that.
Then grow up! Who cares about "it looks"? Can you afford to move out; pay for rent, car, phone, tuition, insurance, ....? Have you considered the services being rendered at Hotel Mama versus a semester of dealing with traffic? Take charge of house/cooking/errands for a week.
The mother doesn't have an obligation to provide any support to this graduate student, though. She seems to be willing to exchange companionship for health insurance, a car, and a phone, and the OP has to decide whether to agree to this deal. It would be great if Mom simply wanted to help the OP obtain an education out of parental care and concern, but she has other motivations, and there is nothing the OP can do about it. I agree that the OP should quietly make plans to become self sufficient and leave as soon as he is able, because with a mother like this, it will become increasingly difficult to separate, and the longer he waits, the more dramatic and unpleasant she will make his departure.
You need encourage your Mother to take community college classes and develop some hobbies, so she can make some new acquaintances. She needs get out and have activities that keep her mind engaged. Volunteer work in an interest area can be fulfilling or a part time job at a museum or similar place.
I know a young widow who joined a travel club. Several times a year they take trips within the US and every two years an out of country trip. Last year they went to a South Pacific island. Throughout the year they meet, discuss destinations, make plans, etc. It has provided a small town isolated woman with opportunity to travel to places she never would gave dreamed of.
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