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my SIL just wrote me and my husband (her bro) an email about their mom and i am beyond annoyed. in the email she's basically chastising us for not doing more for their mom and saying how we all "need to be on the same page" and plan for the next 20 years of MIL's life. then she quotes a bible verse about taking care of widows. wow, she really has some nerve. background: my DH was fully taking care of his mom financially before we got married. he had bought her a car, paid her rent. he hadn't saved a penny from his high income before we got married. after we get married, MIL moves in with SIL and her family and provides free babysitting for 10 years. in that same timeframe i've probably spent about $250K in daycare costs. MIL is now living in a low income senior housing (very nice one!) in a different state from all of us. SIL thinks we all need to "step up." I don't know why she doesn't offer to just have MIL live with her (oh right, b/c she no longer needs free daycare!). SIL has always annoyed me with her passive aggressive whininess and this makes me just dislike her more. neither of us has responded to her email. if i were to respond i'd probably write something sarcastic. so i'm trying to restrain myself and just ignore it. just venting here but will welcome advice. by the way, MIL just turned 65 and is still very healthy and active.
my SIL just wrote me and my husband (her bro) an email about their mom and i am beyond annoyed. in the email she's basically chastising us for not doing more for their mom and saying how we all "need to be on the same page" and plan for the next 20 years of MIL's life. then she quotes a bible verse about taking care of widows. wow, she really has some nerve. background: my DH was fully taking care of his mom financially before we got married. he had bought her a car, paid her rent. he hadn't saved a penny from his high income before we got married. after we get married, MIL moves in with SIL and her family and provides free babysitting for 10 years. in that same timeframe i've probably spent about $250K in daycare costs. MIL is now living in a low income senior housing (very nice one!) in a different state from all of us. SIL thinks we all need to "step up." I don't know why she doesn't offer to just have MIL live with her (oh right, b/c she no longer needs free daycare!). SIL has always annoyed me with her passive aggressive whininess and this makes me just dislike her more. neither of us has responded to her email. if i were to respond i'd probably write something sarcastic. so i'm trying to restrain myself and just ignore it. just venting here but will welcome advice. by the way, MIL just turned 65 and is still very healthy and active.
It's not your job to respond to this anyway. It's your husband's.
So ...did she say what "step up" means?
You obviously resent the fact that you paid for day care while she had "free babysitting" for years. I'm sure there were other sacrifices that came with having her mother live there. You also don't explain how she transitioned from SIL's house to the apartment.
Your husband just needs to hear his sister out. She obviously has some things to say. So let her say them. Ignore the bible verse and all the other emotional stuff you're projecting into the situation and let them talk about it.
She's already in senior housing and active, which is a few steps ahead of many seniors I know. The problem isn't with your MIL.
my SIL just wrote me and my husband (her bro) an email about their mom and i am beyond annoyed. in the email she's basically chastising us for not doing more for their mom and saying how we all "need to be on the same page" and plan for the next 20 years of MIL's life. then she quotes a bible verse about taking care of widows. wow, she really has some nerve. background: my DH was fully taking care of his mom financially before we got married. he had bought her a car, paid her rent. he hadn't saved a penny from his high income before we got married. after we get married, MIL moves in with SIL and her family and provides free babysitting for 10 years. in that same timeframe i've probably spent about $250K in daycare costs. MIL is now living in a low income senior housing (very nice one!) in a different state from all of us. SIL thinks we all need to "step up." I don't know why she doesn't offer to just have MIL live with her (oh right, b/c she no longer needs free daycare!). SIL has always annoyed me with her passive aggressive whininess and this makes me just dislike her more. neither of us has responded to her email. if i were to respond i'd probably write something sarcastic. so i'm trying to restrain myself and just ignore it. just venting here but will welcome advice. by the way, MIL just turned 65 and is still very healthy and active.
It is your husband's place to deal with his sibling so leave it to him.
It seems like your mil is also playing you both. At 65 she could still be working if she is active and healthy. I can see the annoyance. If hubby is on the same page, I'd ignore the email and not reply. If she brings that up just say "we didn't have anything to say".
Your sister in law, IMO, is not wrong in her desire to discuss and plan for what is down the road with your MIL. Now is the time to discuss these issues before they are needed.
This is not about who got or gets more out of your MIL. It'ds about how to plan for the future when MIL can't care for herself.
If she is 65 & in current good health, then she can probably stay in senior housing for another 15 or more years. After that ?? And that's what you need to plan.
When MIL can no longer care for herself, then what? Does MIL have long term care insurance? Does she have enough money for assisted living ? If she has to stay with a relative, is there anyone who can take her in. How would the financial costs be divided, if at all, among her children.
It's time to find out what local services would be available to her when the time comes. This can help out the family. This is of course assuming you all live in the same places for the next 20 years.
Having a woman in her 50's & 60's live with you is very different than having the frail and feeble elderly living with you. Very different having to be a nurse and caretaker than having babysitting help.
It's time now, while MIL has her wits about her, to discuss these things with her. It's time to discuss power of attorney for health care and financial matters. It's time for a living will. It's time for a regular will to be drawn up. It's time to discuss who she would want as a conservator if it comes to that.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with long, advance planning. What's worse is to wait until MIL is physically or mentally incapitated and then try to make snap decisions.
I don't know the dynamics of your family situation, but there seems to be a lot of resentment on your part. It might be time to put that aside and look at this from a very practical standpoint. Your SIL may be trying to discuss this in a too blunt and too accusatory manner. Perhaps you and your hubby may be able to approach the situation in a much more softer tone. This is an end of life issue that does need to be discussed. Remember, it's not about you or your SIL. It's about how to plan for MIL.
Ah yes, my husband got one of those delightful messages from his brother once too. He found out we made plans to move up north and lectured us about not "being there" to take care of them and that we are selfish because their parents already never get to see our kids and moving further away will just make it harder on them. Problem is, we always have an open invitation for them, but MIL refuses to fly, even when my former airline employee father offered up his passes. She is also ridiculously dependent and won't drive out without my FIL (who still works), so this isn't really my problem. Anyway....my husband being the reasonable man he is completely ignored it. I would have gone off on BIL and I was pretty pissed when I saw the message, but my husband said nothing and it was never brought up again (at least not yet; we've made a drastic change in moving plans that may cause his family to have a serious of collective panic attacks, but we have to live for us, not them ).
I don't really think the OP objects to a mature sit down convo with the family about the matriarch's future. But a guilt tripping, "you aren't doing enough" email? Sil is trying to get off the hook and wants her brother to ride in on his white horse and save the day.
Mean while, at 65 (and all these years before) his mother has been taking advantage of her children. The op and her husband have to think about their own future and retirement and can't be filling supporting mom.
OP, you've gotten some good advice here. I hope you take it. Families need advance planning, families don't need guilt-tripping. This is between the mother and her two children. As an in-law, the less you say to anyone other than your husband in private, the better.
It is always very telling when family members are battling "around" another member. My sister writes poison pen letters to all siblings telling us what we need to do for my mother. AND.. at the end of the letters she tells us all to not tell our mother that she has written to us about mother's "needs". Hell, I called my mother up right away and asked her if there was something she needs to tell me about what she needed and then told her about the poison pen letters. She was furious and called the intrusive, controlling sister up and gave it to her.
Bypass the sil and ask your husband to ask mom directly if she is in need of anything.
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