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I think my husband will let me take care of our daughter. First, he does not have enough time for he. Second, and because he loves her, he knows that is best for her. The problem is that I feel so bad because I fight to give her the best life and I failed.
My husband has depression. He wants to take care of everything but his health, his capability do not allow him to do so much. He is not happy all the time. He wants to take care of his parents, wants to help the people in our country. He wants to demonstrate his ability, but he just forget to take care of us.
It sounds like he has some sort of duty to see to his parents. But his parents should be taking care of themselves. He should be caring about you and your child together. It doesn't sound like he cared enough about both of you though, and he obviously wants a divorce.
I know it will be upsetting for you but sometimes it's for the best. Give yourself time to look after yourself and your daughter and don't rush into another relationship. If you meet another man, make sure you know him really well first, for you and your daughter's sake.
@animalcrazy, @TerraDown: This is my first post. I was so stressed out and found this forum. For me, if I see someone has problems, I would like to help rather than to be suspicious. We live abroad, and I don't want to make my family sad by telling them my stories. This is the way I clear my feelings. I am sorry if it makes you not happy.
Vent your feelings all you want. You will find that most people take others at face value here, and really want to help.
You are the only one who can decide whether or not you want to change your life, or do you just want to vent, and then go back to the way things were? Either way, it is up to you.
I don't know what the divorce laws are in whatever country you are in, but you need legal advice to protect your and your daughter's financial rights. Your husband asked for the divorce, and he will need to split your assets and pay child support unless you live in some backward, male dominated country.
It's very common in Asian cultures to be expected to cater to the husband AND his family, specially if he is the eldest son. And it's very common to work so many hours, it's just normal. Of course this would not be tolerated in the western culture for one minute but you must have known this would happen in your culture. Did you think that since you left your country your husband would be different and not be the normal Asian man? I don't see any way of changing him or his parents. I'm sorry this is hard for you. I hope you find peace.
I am very thankful for the comments. I read and I cried. For the divorce, I signed but he has signed yet. When he told me that we should break up because I don't want to spend more time with his parents, it is the end of our marriage.
I decided to give up because he hurts my feelings. I understand why he did it but I don't accept it. My husband thinks his parents are old and he lives abroad so that he cannot take care of them. But he cannot use me to please them. Although I feel lonely when he has to travel so much, and he saved most of our vacations to visit his parents, I usually encourage him to visit them. But he cannot force me to do that , just because he wants the whole family to spend time together. I also have my parents that I need to take care of. He knows I feel not comfortable, but still force me to visit them.
This Christmas, I am totally tired, and we already invited his parents to visit us, to spend time with their grandchild for a whole month. And now, I want a break. He should understand that.
Our problem is the issue of the culture. His parents are not bad, but they want the whole family to live together. When we visit them, we don't have personal spaces. They can enter our room anytime. Once, his parents entered my room to sleep with me and my daughter because they want to show friendly. When we are back, we cannot take vacation without them. When I talk to my sister-in-law, she thinks the problem is mine, and that I should learn to spend time as a whole family.
My husband is not bad. He does not use alcohol, smoke. He is faithful and a good earner but he does not know how to take care of his family. And, although he did not spend time with my daughter because he is work addicted, I believe he loves her so much. But, just like his parents, he does not know how to spend time, how to play with her, getting her around is enough for them.
The only problem I concern is the financial problem. It is very difficult for me to find a high salary job here. I don't want to back home because my family is poor and I don't want to be a burden to them. Moreover, in my country, we have a very bad conditions in medical, school and I feel bad for putting my daughter there.
So your mother-in-law and father-in-law wanted to sleep with you and their grandchild to show that they were friendly?!?!
@animalcrazy, @TerraDown: This is my first post. I was so stressed out and found this forum. For me, if I see someone has problems, I would like to help rather than to be suspicious. We live abroad, and I don't want to make my family sad by telling them my stories. This is the way I clear my feelings. I am sorry if it makes you not happy.
Happy? Suspicious...
I am glad you found City-Data. A wonderful, varied forum. But are you going to disappear after this?
I hope you work all your problems out, this is a great place to do it. Is he in the military? It sounds like he is/was.
Always an issue. My wife's Grandfather was a kook over being in WW2. Not that he wanted to be, he was brain-washed.
JMHO.
Just a question...
Why do these long, drawn out original posts have new members that have only made between 1 and 5 posts? I dislike remarking to them, as I can't figure out whether they are true concerns, or just fabricated.
Do they join just for this post? Are they going to become a true member, or is the original post just BS to start some type of controversy?
It wouldn't be a bad thing, in my opinion, for posters to have at least 20-30 posts over a 3-month period—commenting on the posts of others—under their belt before being permitted to start a new "story" thread in a relationship (romantic or not) thread.
I'm sorry for what you are dealing with. Your husband seems to think he is a son first and a husband and father last. It's not your responsibility to help him with his parent issues. HE doesn't want to deal with them so he makes YOU do it but they just treat you badly. You didn't marry into his family, when you get married you leave your parents and cleave to your wife and start your OWN family.
As hard as it is, follow with the divorce, if he tells you he wants to work on the marriage tell him you must go to therapy, JUST YOU AND HIM, FIRST. And he must promise to never make you stay at his parents house again. I would tell him you aren't staying somewhere that people don't like you. You have tried, you are done, you are his wife, he should put you before his parents, not make you unhappy. If he agrees to go to therapy talk to the therapists FIRST and find one who can tell him it is not normal to have that sort of relationship with your parents when you are married.
Where are you from? Where is he from? They wanted to sleep IN BED with you? That is WEIRD. I would NEVER sleep in bed with my husband's family! That is so inappropriate I can't even think of a culture where that is okay.
To the OP: you are in a difficult situation. Are you Asian? It sounds like you are, talking about caring for your parents. It is hard for most of us who are Americans, to understand how deeply culture affects the rest of the world. My daughter-in-law is Filipino and she never says one word to me in criticism. My son tells me later that it would be better if I did thus-and-thus. And she has lived here for over 11 years. She works and is quite independent in many things. Nevertheless, she will not criticize me to my face as I am an elder.
I urge you to get your own attorney who has NO connection to your husband. You will need someone on your side. Good luck.
I think my husband will let me take care of our daughter. First, he does not have enough time for he. Second, and because he loves her, he knows that is best for her. The problem is that I feel so bad because I fight to give her the best life and I failed.
My husband has depression. He wants to take care of everything but his health, his capability do not allow him to do so much. He is not happy all the time. He wants to take care of his parents, wants to help the people in our country. He wants to demonstrate his ability, but he just forget to take care of us.
No, I think he will want his PARENTS to raise your daughter. If they decide that is what is best for her, you don't have a prayer.
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