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Everyone is so right. I guess I just needed to hear it. For some many weeks my mom has been treating me so awfully for even considering not coming home for Christmas. Like I had made some sacred promise to travel this year. Like my husband was forcing me to go see his family by gunpoint. It's crazy that I continue to put up with this. I just want to have a normal relationship with her without feeling like I'm walking on pins and needles. Nothing is ever good enough for her when it comes to my life. Now that I have a family of my own she has to let me go. Allow me to make my own life choices without judgment. It's OK for her to be disappointed but she shouldn't be flying off her rocker for things like holiday travel plans.
Once my kids reached the pre-school age, it didn't seem fair to make them spend Christmas away from home. I think families need to put themselves first at some point. Maybe it's time to tell your parents in the future they are welcome to make the trip to you, but the holidays will be spent at home.
I think there are lots of places this relationship needs to change.
That was my first thought.
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Originally Posted by Bestymore
Thanks all, OP here. We visit them about three times a year, my parents make the trip over to us twice. Plus we get together for a week at the beach during the Summer .
That is a lot of getting together when you don't live close. I am all for families being close, but don't you have other things to do?! How do you find time for all of that? I can't imagine my sons with their own lives finding that much time to visit with us.
I remember listening to a Psychologist on the radio a long time ago, he said talk about Thanksgiving/Christmas plans in June so it is less emotional.
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Originally Posted by Bestymore
I believe this anger stems for me not moving home after college. I think in the back of her mind she has been holding out and wishing I would end up back home. She constantly compares her life to her friends who have children who live in the area and is jealous of what could have been.
It is sad she compares her life to her friends and thinks she got the short straw. I feel like my husband and I are almost the only ones without our sons in the area. I often feel proud they ventured out and are exploring new places. I pat myself on the back for not having the apron strings tied too tightly.
Does anyone else get fed up of this Christmas 'drama' every single year, with their relatives? You just can't please everyone, can you? Makes me glad when it's all over, tbh.
We have always done what we wanted and if we show up, great, if not, maybe next year.
Everyone cannot be pleased all the time but having a tantrum like an immature child when one is a grandparent is downright silly.
When she shot down my offer to visit at Thanksgiving, I offered that our family travel sometime in December and do Christmas before Christmas and she shot that down as well. I have two sisters (both are single) who live in the same city as my parents so it would be easy to get all of us together the weekend before to do the whole Christmas thing. She just kept saying that the entire holiday season is ruined.
Can you imagine how your sisters feel about her actions? She is in effect making you the "bad guy" that is the cause of "ruining" Christmas....if I were them and she pulled that - I wouldn't go either. She can't be happy or content that she has two other daughters who live nearby all year long - and can see them whenever she wants to. Doesn't their presence there matter to her? No, she wants the one who has her own life - WITHOUT HER IN IT!!! I realize her grandchildren play a factor in it also, but it seems like her all or nothing attitude would tell your sisters that there will be no celebration if their sister doesn't come home this year. That just isn't right....
Have you talked to your sisters about any of this? Has your mother always been like this, or has something recently changed in her life that is making her so anxious and difficult (medical issues perhaps?)
Thank goodness my family has no drama like that. Not only is everyone close geographically but everyone is flexible and doesn't place importance on specific days and whatnot. We get together when we can and we usually do on Christmas Eve at my house, but if that doesn't work for someone we see them another day.
When she shot down my offer to visit at Thanksgiving, I offered that our family travel sometime in December and do Christmas before Christmas and she shot that down as well. I have two sisters (both are single) who live in the same city as my parents so it would be easy to get all of us together the weekend before to do the whole Christmas thing. She just kept saying that the entire holiday season is ruined.
Nothing you suggest, no matter how reasonable, is going to be enough for her. She will only be satisfied if she gets her way. If you cave in, your life will never, ever be your own. You will have set a precedent, and she will use it to manipulate you into doing any number of time-consuming, inconvenient, and expensive activities just to retain control.
Stick to your plans. Tell your mother you are sorry she has chosen to be angry, but it's not your problem. It's her problem. Your life revolves around your husband and your children now, not her. Sometimes something that does not have her at the center will take precedence in your life, and that is fine.
Live the life you want wherever you want. Do not let her guilt you into anything. You cannot control how she behaves, but you can control your reaction to her behavior. Let your reaction be the one that honors and enhancesthe life you and your husband choose to create for you and your children, not the one that is chosen simply to appease your selfish, manipulative mother.
I try and visit as much as I can - 3-4 visits a year to see them is a lot with two kids under 5, but it just doesn't seem to be enough. I just hate the guilt trips - especially this latest one. I told her that I was sorry for not being for Christmas this year but it's not enough.
Yes, it is a lot of visits, especially with two preschoolers.
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Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat
It will never be enough. See her game for what it is and stop knocking yourself out arranging your schedule to visit her with two small children.
I agree. I bet if you add yet another week-long visit I bet that Mom will still demand more, and more, and more!
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Originally Posted by Chaofan
Nothing you suggest, no matter how reasonable, is going to be enough for her. She will only be satisfied if she gets her way. If you cave in, your life will never, ever be your own. You will have set a precedent, and she will use it to manipulate you into doing any number of time-consuming, inconvenient, and expensive activities just to retain control.
Stick to your plans. Tell your mother you are sorry she has chosen to be angry, but it's not your problem. It's her problem. Your life revolves around your husband and your children now, not her. Sometimes something that does not have her at the center will take precedence in your life, and that is fine.
Live the life you want wherever you want. Do not let her guilt you into anything. You cannot control how she behaves, but you can control your reaction to her behavior. Let your reaction be the one that honors and enhancesthe life you and your husband choose to create for you and your children, not the one that is chosen simply to appease your selfish, manipulative mother.
You are not in the wrong. People forget that when you get married, you start your own family and your other half also has family.
This is so huge. It's pretty common for the "closer" family to completely blow off the other half of the family.
OP, it is a huge gift to your husband that you are willing to see his family on the holidays, even if it took 10 years to do it. It is no fun fighting tooth and nail every year to not let your family fall out of your lives. I've given up that fight long ago and have several friends who have done the same. It's not fair and it's not right.
Thanks - all great advice. Someone asked if "something recently changed in her life that is making her so anxious and difficult." She has an ill mother and a sister who has a minor mental disorder so there is stress from that. 90% of the time she is completely normal and conversations are fine and I enjoy them. It's just the other 10% I can't deal with. They're so, so bad and completely out of left field. She keeps everything bottled up inside of her and when she's going through one of her episodes she'll just unleash and bring up everything under the sun that she didn't agree with from the past. How she bought my children clothes to wear to school and the pictures I send of the kids never have them wearing those clothes and that we don't appreciate the things she does for her grandkids. Stuff like that which is crazy and mind boggling. And that's just one example of many she'll throw out during one of her tirades. It's just so tiring. I guess this holiday issue was really the last straw for me. I just can't do it anymore.
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