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Mom is the one with the problem not you. She is acting very childish. I would point out to her that hubby's family has not has a chance to spend Christmas with the kids and now it is their turn. Do not feel guilty and definitely do not give in.
My family is pretty zen about the holidays. We celebrate whenever we are together close to the holiday. My husband and I almost always spend the Thanksgiving and Christmas just us. If my parents want to join us, they'll travel to us. If they decide to join the rest of the family (extended family on my mom's side all live close together), fine. Sometimes the extended family is all together, sometimes they split off to their spouses families. My grandma sometimes does the guilt trip thing, but I've learned how to avoid that: "Grandma, DH and I will be there to visit you on XYZ. Can't wait to see you!" I pick dates that work for us and just tell her we are coming, and that works best for everyone.
DH's parents have both passed away, and his brother and family live across the country from us. And brother's wife has a HUGE family, and they all hang out together ALL.THE.TIME. We have a standing invitation to visit for the holidays, but we'd rather use my time off (I get quite a lot of time off at the holidays) to travel. It's a lot more fun and lot more relaxing for us!
lol, this post is identical to a post on another forum, word for word. Those posters gave you advice, and yet this is reposted like you would get different advice.. Your mom is being a brat, DO NOT apologize. Why does she think your inlaws dont deserve to see their grandchildren and SON at Christmas?
Hi All. Looking for advice on how to deal with my mother. Every year we travel out west to visit my family for Christmas. This year we've decided to go see my in-laws and travel to see my family for Thanksgiving instead. No big deal, right? That's what I thought too until I spoke to my mother about our new plans. She completely lost it with me telling me that my husband was purposefully keeping me and the kids from "family" this year and that we had promised to make the trip to CA. I don't remember making any promises for what it's worth. We've been to see them every year for over a decade. When I told her that we would instead come for Thanksgiving she said not to even bother. That the holiday was ruined and she didn't want us to come. Am I in the wrong and any advice on how to move forward from here? It's been almost a month since I've given her the news and she still refuses to talk to me for more than five minutes when I call. We used to have long conversations weekly. Am I going to have to endure this for the next 7 weeks? Or for the rest of my life?
No....you are not in the wrong. I am curious though, comparing the two. Which set of family lives closest? How often do you see both sets of family?
If your in-laws live closer and you see them more...Then perhaps I would understand better how your Mom feels. However if all things are equal, then you owe it to your children and Hubby for them to see their other set of Grandparents during a holiday too...and taking turns with each family, every other year is only fair...
If you need an excuse, tell your Mom you owe it to your hubby, since he has patiently allowed your family to monopolize your holidays for years...It is his parents turn.
Your Mom sounds like mine used to be...She would throw a fit over anything, any slight...and cut me off. Passive aggressive, pouting and impossible to compromise with.
If this is your mom's pattern throughout your adulthood...it won't change...So, you'll have to accept that. At least your Mom does talk to you...,mine would cut me off for months and years at a time...It hurt, but I had to learn to accept it and not let it paralyze me emotionally. Here just a couple links after searching toxic relationships parents. Good luck to you.
The only apology you need to make is "I'm sorry you feel that way". After 10 years of traveling to her for the holidays, your in-laws are getting their fair chance. Your mother is acting selfishly, but sooner or later, she'll get over it.
It "may" have helped if you had broken the news earlier, but it still doesn't excuse her response.
You can pick your friends....You cannot pick your relatives!
Your mother's reaction was selfish, and foolish, and I agree 100% with Mattie's post
Tell her she got the first 10 years and Husband's family gets the next 10. They also get an extra Christmas for every manipulative, spiteful thing she says.
Out of curiosity OP - if you and your husband could do whatever the two of you wanted for Christmas, what would it be?
Thanks - all great advice. Someone asked if "something recently changed in her life that is making her so anxious and difficult." She has an ill mother and a sister who has a minor mental disorder so there is stress from that. 90% of the time she is completely normal and conversations are fine and I enjoy them. It's just the other 10% I can't deal with. They're so, so bad and completely out of left field. She keeps everything bottled up inside of her and when she's going through one of her episodes she'll just unleash and bring up everything under the sun that she didn't agree with from the past. How she bought my children clothes to wear to school and the pictures I send of the kids never have them wearing those clothes and that we don't appreciate the things she does for her grandkids. Stuff like that which is crazy and mind boggling. And that's just one example of many she'll throw out during one of her tirades. It's just so tiring. I guess this holiday issue was really the last straw for me. I just can't do it anymore.
She's just throwing her last ditch attempt at guilting you into changing your plans. Hopefully after Christmas, she'll settle down and become more like her old self. Believe me, you might LOVE to stay home and have a quiet holiday with your immediate family at Thanksgiving.
Hang in there, you've been a good daughter to her and your husband must be a very good and understanding man. At least his parents will appreciate your visit at Christmas.
Could she have been under a lot of stress? Maybe went through making solid plans based on you guys showing up for Christmas like always, looked forward to it, fussed over it, told people, etc. Then bam, you're not coming. Seen that happen before. Not clear where the blame goes..
Hi All. Looking for advice on how to deal with my mother. Every year we travel out west to visit my family for Christmas. This year we've decided to go see my in-laws and travel to see my family for Thanksgiving instead. No big deal, right? That's what I thought too until I spoke to my mother about our new plans. She completely lost it with me telling me that my husband was purposefully keeping me and the kids from "family" this year and that we had promised to make the trip to CA. I don't remember making any promises for what it's worth. We've been to see them every year for over a decade. When I told her that we would instead come for Thanksgiving she said not to even bother. That the holiday was ruined and she didn't want us to come. Am I in the wrong and any advice on how to move forward from here? It's been almost a month since I've given her the news and she still refuses to talk to me for more than five minutes when I call. We used to have long conversations weekly. Am I going to have to endure this for the next 7 weeks? Or for the rest of my life?
Your mother is being completely unreasonable. Don't give in the guilt trip.
Continue calling her regularly, and if she's still pouting -- it's on her, NOT YOU. It's like dealing with a 4 year old -- give in, and you create a monster. :-) God only knows how long she can keep this up -- probably until next Christmas. :-(
Oh, man I feel for you! This is the kind of stuff that happens in my family too.
I don't blame you in anyway, but the 10 years in a row made her expect one thing and it sounds like she is pouting now that she isn't getting it. My mom has those types of "expectation" issues too, so I feel your pain.
My husband and I moved across the country (shortly after marriage) and I *think* I have my husband convinced that it's easiest for us to simply do "fun" travel for the holidays.
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She is acting very childish. I would point out to her that hubby's family has not has a chance to spend Christmas with the kids and now it is their turn. Do not feel guilty and definitely do not give in.
