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Location: Earth, a nice neighborhood in the Milky Way
3,778 posts, read 2,693,466 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EuropeanAnna
It's a taboo subject. I have only known one woman in my life who after several drinks revealed to me that even though she has loved her daughter more than anything, if she was given another go at life she would refrain from having children.
I am not talking about men and women who didnt want to have kids from the start but were persuaded into it either by partners, or families; but about those who did want to have children yet parenthood has proven too much for them and disappointed them.
I have friends who have stated words to the effect that having kids ruined their life, both as a joke and as a woeful reflection on the choice made. That is, they're joking and serious. They recognize the sacrifices they make for their children, but they also love their children.
It really shouldn't be surprising that parenthood proves too much for many people, that it disappoints many people. And it shouldn't be surprising that--at other times--those same people feel they have it all under control and love it. Life is full of ups and downs, and probably nothing exemplifies this better than children.
a woman i knew was married to a man who did not want children, she knew that when they married, but after a few years she decided to get pregnant anyway, and he was very very very upset. She thought he would "change his mind" but that did not happen, she said every day was absolutely miserable, her marriage was ruined, they did not divorce, but "stayed together for the child" and i have never known such an unhappy couple. She said she was depressed and all she could think about was as soon as her son was grown up she would then be able to get a divorce.
The problem is a lot of people have kids for dumb reasons. Here's a few I've heard over the course of my lifetime
- " I need someone to take care of me when I get older"
- "I'm bored"
- "society says I'm supposed to"
- "ehh why not?"
-one of my all time favorites, "maybe if I have a baby he will stay/want to get married"
Unless the kid turns out to be some maniac then yeah. Otherwise they should've known what they were getting themselves into.
I agree with that in this time, but back in the 50s through the 80s, it wasn't that simple. People don't always understand how difficult it was to admit you didn't want children or how intense the pressure was to have them back then. Children weren't even something you questioned whether you wanted or not - it was just expected that men and women would get married and have a family and that was the end of it. If it was hard, people just shrugged and nobody talked about that. Women who didn't mind were fine with it and women who wished life was different either risked being an outcast for not having a family or shut up and put up.
And then don't forget, even though we've had birth control since the very early 60s, it took years for it to be socially acceptable for people to take. Doctors recommended it only for married women and only after they had "completed" their family. Birth control in the early 60s was as big an issue as abortion is now and for the same reasons.
a woman i knew was married to a man who did not want children, she knew that when they married, but after a few years she decided to get pregnant anyway, and he was very very very upset. She thought he would "change his mind" but that did not happen, she said every day was absolutely miserable, her marriage was ruined, they did not divorce, but "stayed together for the child" and i have never known such an unhappy couple. She said she was depressed and all she could think about was as soon as her son was grown up she would then be able to get a divorce.
To call that woman "foolish" would be a compliment.
The problem is a lot of people have kids for dumb reasons. Here's a few I've heard over the course of my lifetime
- " I need someone to take care of me when I get older"
- "I'm bored"
- "society says I'm supposed to"
- "ehh why not?"
-one of my all time favorites, "maybe if I have a baby he will stay/want to get married"
I was having beers with a co-worker a long time ago and the subject of kids came up and he asked me why I never had kids.
I explained my reasons, he then says this to me, "Well, who's gonna take care of your when you're older."
I found that a completely selfish and friggin repulsive statement... on the order of slave labor really... LOL...
But in thinking about it yrs later, it was basically a cultural difference.... he was from another culture and in other parts of the world that's just what you do, your parents live with you.....
The thought of my parents living with me makes my skin crawl.... but to each their own, I suppose.
I agree with that in this time, but back in the 50s through the 80s, it wasn't that simple. People don't always understand how difficult it was to admit you didn't want children or how intense the pressure was to have them back then. Children weren't even something you questioned whether you wanted or not - it was just expected that men and women would get married and have a family and that was the end of it.
My teen years were in the 1980s and I remember these social attitudes very well. I always attributed them to the religion in which I was raised but I guess these attitudes transcended the religious element of society. In my opinion it was the inception and subsequent rise of the internet as part of daily life that has caused these attitudes to decline in significance. Back in the 50s through 80s it was hard for those people not inclined to do the marriage and children thing to find any like-minded individuals. The internet as a global communication medium has changed all that.
I enjoy being a parent but there have been times that the stress of it is overwhelming. I think that is pretty normal though. I can't think of one time I ever regretted parenthood. I know people that did not enjoy being a parent and some admitted if they could have a do over they would have made a different choice. My brother-n-law did not enjoy being a parent and wasn't good at it either. My SIL and him met while in rehab at the ages of 19 and 20. She became pregnant right away once they got out. She felt it saved her life as she was eager to go back to doing drugs and being pregnant gave her a new purpose in life. My BIL I think went through the motions at first. Once the pressures of being a parent kicked in, he didn't deal well with it. They had a second child a couple of years later. When the kids were teens my BIL spoke often about how his time was almost up and couldn't wait for the kids to get out on their own. The kicker, their daughter got pregnant in her late teens, didn't handle it well and my BIL and SIL ending up raising her child. He basically has been pretty angry for sometime now.
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