The much-despised "ma'am" word (husband, person, member, children)

[Katnan]

Originally Posted by City-duck

Being polite works 10% of the time for me in creating a harmonious environment. The other 90% it backfires and works very much like this:

I'd be calling customer service to get some help on a product or service. I'm a paying customer. When a phone representative answers I notice it's an elderly woman. I always start off with "Hi, how are you?" and then a few details exchange. In this instance, I decide to use the word, "ma'am" after inquiring about an alternative shipping method. She then switches to grunge mode and inflicts me with an attitude I thought people phased out of by the time they experienced the humbleness of life. It turns out she thought I had said, "MAN!"

What should I say instead? Mrs?

You don't have to say anything instead. Hi, how are you, is pleasant and polite. That seems to be a point that is missed. For those of us not in areas where ma'am/sir are standard, you're not rude if you don't tack on a miss, ma'am or sir in conversation.

[KathrynAragon]

I think the point is that I doubt VERY seriously if anyone using the word "M'am" means for it to be insulting in the slightest. Typically, those who use that term (as well as "sir") do so out of courtesy. When deciding whether or not I'm going to "be offended," I find it's helpful to look at the motives of the person involved in the interaction. If they were truly trying to be polite, I'm rarely offended - if ever.

I personally don't care for it when little kids just presume it's OK to call me by my first name. I don't think they're trying to offend me though - I just think they don't know what I want and if it bothers me enough I'll ask them to call me MISS Kathryn, or MS Kathryn - but that's only if I'm going to be hanging around them on a regular basis. If it's just a random thing from a random kid, not only does it not offend me - I don't even think twice about it.

No, I don't care for it, but it doesn't make me mad either.

I think the crux of good manners is to make the other person feel comfortable. And I think we should defer to guests, or older people, or customers - that sort of thing. So if a person I'm addressing says, "Please don't call me m'am," then for heavens' sake I'm not going to call them that. But shoe on other foot - if someone calls me Sweetie or some kid calls me by my first name, I'm also not going to correct them - the first or even the third time. After that - I may ask them to address me differently! And they should do it.

[WestCobb]

Originally Posted by beachie123

i am a born and raised southern californian, have lived in california all my life and i have been called ma'am many times. i hear people being called ma'am quite frequently, actually. it's definitely used here. maybe the difference is that it is "mostly" used for older women and elderly women, not as much for girls and younger women and in other places maybe used more to females in general? i don't know...

Really??? I'm shocked to hear you say this. Maybe my memory is just getting fuzzy, but I don't remember ever hearing anyone call anyone "ma'am" in all my years in California. My sister definitely gets a kick out of the fact that it's part of my vocabulary now.

[denverian]

I'm a man, and I HATE being referred to as "sir", so I get it. I've always looked young for my age, and just in the past couple years have I started getting called "sir". Call me dude, bro, man, chief, hey you.... but don't call me "sir"

[denverian]

Originally Posted by KathrynAragon

I think the point is that I doubt VERY seriously if anyone using the word "M'am" means for it to be insulting in the slightest. Typically, those who use that term (as well as "sir") do so out of courtesy. When deciding whether or not I'm going to "be offended," I find it's helpful to look at the motives of the person involved in the interaction. If they were truly trying to be polite, I'm rarely offended - if ever.

I personally don't care for it when little kids just presume it's OK to call me by my first name. I don't think they're trying to offend me though - I just think they don't know what I want and if it bothers me enough I'll ask them to call me MISS Kathryn, or MS Kathryn - but that's only if I'm going to be hanging around them on a regular basis. If it's just a random thing from a random kid, not only does it not offend me - I don't even think twice about it.

No, I don't care for it, but it doesn't make me mad either.

I think the crux of good manners is to make the other person feel comfortable. And I think we should defer to guests, or older people, or customers - that sort of thing. So if a person I'm addressing says, "Please don't call me m'am," then for heavens' sake I'm not going to call them that. But shoe on other foot - if someone calls me Sweetie or some kid calls me by my first name, I'm also not going to correct them - the first or even the third time. After that - I may ask them to address me differently! And they should do it.

The implication, to me, is that by calling someone "sir" or "Ma'am", you're saying, "You're old and no longer attractive".

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by denverian

The implication, to me, is that by calling someone "sir" or "Ma'am", you're saying, "You're old and no longer attractive".

I find it funny how people view different issues, such as this, and find, that people who feel as you do, about a word that addresses others meaning only respect sings to me, the kind of person you are and how you look at issues....totally negative. I'm sorry, I mean no harm, but just saying...doesn't mean your old or no longer attractive...we chose to define words as we think, believe and are.

Same way people translate what they read. I used to write poetry...and a lot of it was in dedication to my God and Christ....for my life, very positive. But some people translated my words like I was talking about sex.

My point is, people translate as they think, believe and are.
Not to mention, negativity, insecurity and anger also come out in translations.
You can tell who the positive people are.
You have a very small garden.

[beachie123]

Originally Posted by WestCobb

Really??? I'm shocked to hear you say this. Maybe my memory is just getting fuzzy, but I don't remember ever hearing anyone call anyone "ma'am" in all my years in California. My sister definitely gets a kick out of the fact that it's part of my vocabulary now.

well i don't know what else to tell you. i'm not making it up!

i don't presume to speak for everybody, so i'm sure you and your sister have a different experience. i assure you, though, that i have been called ma'am many times, especially in the past 5 years or so, i am 52 years old. it doesn't surprise or shock me, but i don't particularly like it.

[KathrynAragon]

Originally Posted by denverian

The implication, to me, is that by calling someone "sir" or "Ma'am", you're saying, "You're old and no longer attractive".

I guess that's what you would mean if you said it.

No one I know who uses that term seems to mean that at all.

It seems that this "baggage" is more in the head of the person hearing it than most people saying it.

[JrzDefector]

Originally Posted by ocnjgirl

It always made me picture an Old West school marm spinster in her long dress and bonnet, with the sheriff walking by and tipping his hat, "Ma'am", lol. Formality/distancing I never thought of, but now that you said it, it rings true, but in a way I can't really put into words well.

I know what you mean about finding it hard to put into words. I guess it's kind of like this: The other day, I was picking up some tamales from my favorite place. I'm not exactly a regular, and they have a good amount of turnover with some of their staff, so I'm not really known there. But there were no other customers so we were just chatting while I was waiting for the food. It was warm and friendly, and it brightened my day. The woman behind the counter was the same age as me. It would have just been weird if she'd called me ma'am.

I view almost everyone as a potential friend. I'm a human golden retriever in some ways, and I tend to make friends very easily. I'm terrible with names, but I am on a conversational basis with the staff at almost all the businesses where I am a regular. When someone calls me "ma'am," it just disrupts my worldview, lol. I prefer warmth and friendliness to familiarity.

[3chidogs]

I am a native Californian, and I have also heard people addressed as sir and Ma'am on many occasions. I find manners to be something disappearing a lot lately. There is nothing offensive in those terms so it makes no sense to me when people get all bothered about it. Believe me, I would rather be called ma'am than "hon, honey, sweetie, babe, dear or hey you." Also, when I was growing up we called our friends' parents Mr. or Mrs. Smith. If they became really good family friends they would often ask us to call them by first names. I worked with the general public for 30 years and always called people Mr. or Mrs. , unless they told me otherwise. And if I did not know their name, it was sir or Ma'am. Never had anyone say they were annoyed by it.