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it depends on your history with them... if you've known them a while then I would consider a second chance, people are just so often rude and self-centered nowadays. However you don't always know 100% what is happening, and I've been on both sides. A good friend of mine was such a flake for a while that DH questioned why did I even stay friends with her? Well it turned out she was going through a really bad patch in the marriage, she's now divorced and a much better friend to me.
Sometimes "busy" isn't a put down. Like if the person is moving, going through a divorce, has a new or sick child. It's the chronically "busy" (but still want to preened you are besties) people who are putting up fronts.
Well I said in my post and gave examples such as a disabled child. I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about people who don't call you back and you hear "well I have been busy", it's an excuse used today for bad manners.
I even got this at my local bank, I inquired about a money market account and was told this person would call me back, when I was back in the bank 2 weeks later I said to the woman who referred me to this person "well he is just so busy, he is taking classes", I said "how is that my problem, if his mother had been a man she would have been his father".
Busy is now an excuse used from social situations when people are rude to you, and business situations when they drop the ball. What happened to "I'm sorry".
This recently happened with a relative, I mentioned I called her son and he never got back to me, "well he's been so busy".....LOL. Can't just say "yes, that is rude". But she thinks it's OK that he sits there at family holiday dinners and texts(this a 30 year old man), he wouldn't be so busy if he could put down his phone once in awhile.
Well, yeah---about being busy---humans have always had 24/7 to contend with. I guess some people are working more hours, especially if they can't escape being on call, etc. But I am not convinced everyone is working harder and longer. All the people who claim to be busy never seem to be too busy to catch a new movie the day it comes out/stand in line to get a new Apple device, attend a highly desirable rock concert, get their hair and nails done, etc. It's just priorities. And electronics/entertainment/personal maintenance trump establishing and maintaining personal relationships.
Sean, amazing about the bank. I thought they were hungrier than that to sell money market accounts (especially with the high interest they are paying-NOT!). Too bad they aren't being mystery shopped---bet management would like to know that the ball was dropped on a potential new customer!
I'm still ruminating over all this. It's hard for me to believe what transpired between me and each of these so-called friends. I'm perplexed as to why they initiated contact. You just know, with these kinds of people (is there a "kind" like this?) that if you let it slide and keep up the contact, it's not a genuine feeling for them and vice versa. To cut off completely means a challenge to connect with new people.
i think some people just like to think out loud about potential plans, then as the plans gel, they forget that you were included in the initial conversation.
I know what you mean, I was at a dinner party where a restaurant came up and someone said "We should all go there soon" and some logistics were discussed but not finalized. A few weeks later, a picture on Facebook of some of the group eating at said restaurant, but obviously not all of us had been included. I only took it a little bit personally.
If I REALLY want to spend time with someone, I invite them myself. So in my example, I would contact those particular friends with a date/time/place in mind, if they accept great, if not, I go on with my life.
A long time ago I did have a friend who was sort of a social climber, made a big deal about arranging things and being the center of the neighborhood. She would make play dates, then call and say they had made other plans with some other mom/kid. And frequently there was no reason why we could not have been included as well. I was talking about this with a third friend and when we realized that friend 1 had done it to both of us, we agreed to make plans with each other instead of with the gal who would ditch us for a better offer!
The "overly busy friend" is a front for people with insecurities. They have to always seem busy and important. But they avoid real connection at all costs. They might have 200 acquaintances but 0 friends. Not worth the time and effort to pin down.
The one who made a plan and then changed plans to go with her husband without letting you know is beyond friendship...unless there was a miscommunication? In that case, I'd give her a second chance.
Agreed. People who contact other people at such a rate are skin-deep, and most likely insecure.
They 'hide' this emotional imbalance with over-reacting, filling too many spaces.
True friends cry with you, wake up in the middle of the night for your problems, drive over if needed, and are always there for you. I can count my true friends as 2.
As they say, on one hand...
I know you'll find some genuine friends OP, just by words in your post. Forget all these shallow people, go with your heart.
Well, yeah---about being busy---humans have always had 24/7 to contend with. I guess some people are working more hours, especially if they can't escape being on call, etc. But I am not convinced everyone is working harder and longer. All the people who claim to be busy never seem to be too busy to catch a new movie the day it comes out/stand in line to get a new Apple device, attend a highly desirable rock concert, get their hair and nails done, etc. It's just priorities. And electronics/entertainment/personal maintenance trump establishing and maintaining personal relationships.
Sean, amazing about the bank. I thought they were hungrier than that to sell money market accounts (especially with the high interest they are paying-NOT!). Too bad they aren't being mystery shopped---bet management would like to know that the ball was dropped on a potential new customer!
You would think so wouldn't you? They did find someone else to talk to me, but that was after me coming back in and informing the first person I spoke to I never heard from the guy who was supposed to contact me. I didn't even mind so much that the ball was dropped, but don't start this nonsense about it being all about you and how busy you are, admit you screwed up. I also said "well maybe he needs to choose between work and school, if he can't do his job".
Busy is now used for screw-ups and rudeness.
I agree most of these "busy" people have time for things they want to do. Other people's time doesn't matter to them.
Completely rude. I'd write her off. I kept holding on to a couple of friends only because we'd known each other for so long. I just finally had it. When it gets to the point that having them as a friend hurts more than not having them in your life at all - it's time to let go.
Your friend's behavior would have really hurt my feelings and made me feel bad, just as it's done to you. That means that she is worse for you to have in your life, than not to. If she's not in your life, she can't hurt you.
People like this treat you like you're an accessory like a purse they can pick up when they feel like it. It's up to us to not be available at their whims.
....
I know it's hard to make new friends. But, for me, I'd rather go to a class or group trip where I can just chat with people, than have a "friend" who treats me like a chattel.
Your words confirm my own deepest feelings. "Are you better off with them, or without them" is what it boils down to. Whether it's a close friend, a casual friend, or just an acquaintance doesn't matter. Canceling by dumping you for someone else is out of the realm of my understanding. I just can't buy "she is who she is" and let it pass.
OP, I can understand why you would be annoyed. It's nice that your friend enjoys being with your husband---however, she has some responsibility when she starts discussing plans with you to follow through. She participated in getting the ball rolling and now that you have moved it forward she is saying, "Well, maybe let's play some other day." Provided she feels like it, has nothing "better" to do, and Jupiter aligns with Mars. (Unless her husband works/lives somewhere else and is just going to be in town for a few days---then it would be more understandable, but she still should have initiated letting you know.)
It's very rude. More and more people are doing stuff like this. They like the idea of being social, but when push comes to shove, it's just easier to let inertia rule or make other plans.
Is this worth ending the friendship over? Maybe I'd give her one more chance. Probably I'd send her an e-mail saying "Just making one last attempt to get together---let me know if/when you are available" and see what she does....
Wouldn't give her any more chances than this---as Maya Angelou and Oprah say, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them...the first time!" I've learned that I enjoy my own company more than "friends" who frustrate me. Even if I don't consider them friends and just activity partners, I expect some follow-through and commitment.
I like your comments. Re: the bold, above, the problem is she never let me know she had pulled out of our plan! I finally emailed her and she answered saying she had changed plans. This is a highly educated person (not that education necessarily makes a difference when it comes to manners) who formerly taught school. I mean, when was she going to tell me???
I've met a couple people in the past who I thought would make a really good friend, so I genuinely tried to start a friendship by offering to get together for lunch & they'd say yeah, sounds good! But, they never following through or always had some excuse to not end up doing it. Well, after about 3 times, which I think 3 times is the limit # to keep trying, I finally gave up because it's obvious they didn't want to be my friend.
I admire your persistence. I've been in similar situations with people whose company I enjoyed in a group, then that person suggests lunch "sometime."
I've concluded it's just something people say. They don't mean it. It's a way to exit a conversation gracefully.
Been there, done that. No more. It's more trouble than it's worth. I stopped trying. If they want to initiate the plans and actually plan something, they can contact me. Otherwise, life is grand without being led on by flakes.
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