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Once a person starts to crowd that octagon age things can change that are not always visible.
My dad was 86 in a convalescent home and I being the only child and a business owner was also busy but did visit him at lunch time and in the evening every day until his stroke and passing away three days later.
Not every person is able to walk two miles in each direction during their later years.
I am 84 and have a numbness on my right side and a 1/2 block is murder for me.
As for family visitors, my sons are hundreds of miles away and thus have zilch in that regards let alone any phone calls or e-mails.
Recent heart attacks have my days numbered here so every morning I wake up........dang, I'm still here.
Stay out of it. Your mom is an adult. It's her choice whether or not she visits her husband. It's none of your business how often she visits. She's in her late 70's and walking 4 miles a day may not be something feels she wants to do. That's her choice.
You say your parents have been living in "disharmony" for some time. Why do you expect Mum to spend any time at all with someone she may actually hate? She's probably waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't see my father in the last 4 months of his life. I was done with him.
Um, you're 20 minutes away and don't have a spouse and children. Why can't you visit daily if you think he needs a daily visitor?
Because I do have a spouse, and a full time job. I've visited every day I could possibly get there, but sometimes I have been at work throughout all the possible visiting hours.
Another thought ... you're not willing to make a 20 minute drive (one way) every day, but want her to make a 30+ minute walk (one way) every day?
It's not a matter of not being willing (although catching up on a bit of washing and housework would be good), I simply can't - I have to work.
I'm not expecting her to walk every day (although she was fit enough to get a bus and walk a at least a couple of miles to an art exhibition just before this happened) - I'm merely thinking that on days when no-one else is visiting she could make some other arrangements - or find the arrangements others have tried to make acceptable.
Perhaps it's just me - I just don't like to think of dad on his own, when every other patient in the ward has visitors.
What I think is that ideally, your mum should visit frequently, if not every day. She should be paying attention to his condition, and the state of his health. She might need to advocate for him. She would not have to stay all day, but certainly in the land of shoulds, she would be there often.
The fact that they have had a contentious relationship for years is probably/maybe a factor in this. Perhaps she enjoys peace at home without the fussing she experiences with your dad.
You can't force her to visit though. It isn't right that you are forced to visit, in lieu of the rest of your family. Has your dad alienated your brother and your mum? If that is the case, then I don't think you are going to persuade them to step up. As long as you keep going, they will feel that they do not have to make the same effort. This is too bad. You probably feel stressed by your frequent visits. I think you should follow your conscience on this though.
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