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If you want advice on a situation, than you need to be specific as possible.
There are some underlying tensions between my wife, sister, and mom. My sister had an issue b/c I wasn't around much after the holidays yet still while my mom was in town. She didn't think I saw my mom that much. I'm sure that same thing didn't go unnoticed by my mom but I can't confirm that b/c she avoids confrontations at all costs. Either way, these are a bit ridiculous to me b/c a) I wasn't ignoring invitations to hang out; and b) I still saw my family once every couple of weeks as it was. Most importantly, we just got engaged; I was off building a relationship w/ my then-fiance.
My wife has issues w/ my sister staying in her "bubble," i.e., not venturing very far out of the area of the city where she lives, not putting forth a noticeable effort to get to know my wife's friends during pre-wedding and wedding events (not a possible argument at the time we got into our argument about the trip) and only participating in most of these events when my sister's friends were also present, etc. My wife has issues w/ my mom being in town literally close to 120 days a year (we share this issue, actually) but then always asking us (read: not demanding) to hang out. My wife values quality over quantity in terms of time spent w/ family and friends whereas I find value in quality time but in also being able to see family often if they're not permanent residents in the same city we live in.
I thought about this and honestly I would have issues with my family if my spouse was purposefully excluded. Why?
I'm not insecure. I've taken a summer trip out of state with family when husband had to work. But they really wanted him to come. His friends are going to Vegas and asked him, and I was fine with that (boys trip).
What are the other issues that require counseling about your family? Will this prevent you from taking your wife on a trip this year? What about a honeymoon?
Why are they excluding her? And why are you fine with that.
I know all couples are different, but unless it guys or girls night/trip our spouses are always included.
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I don't think it's weird at all. I'm not married but my sister, mom and I have traveled together several times, leaving my father and my BIL at home, although we also bring our kids with us. A few times they've been for family events (wedding, etc) on my mom's side of the family and my dad and BIL didn't mind getting to skip the event.
But I would also plan something that includes your soon to be spouse and your siblings spouse and make it a whole family trip, so they don't feel like they are being excluded.
However, I could see where the location itself was problematic given that your spouse has always wanted to go there. Is there any chance you could change the destination so that your spouse didn't feel like you are your sibling/parent were heading off on "his/her" trip? It sounds like neither of you have been there before, and I think that it really would change the dynamic if you get to go and then even if you go back with your spouse, you are now the expert on that location, instead of discovering it together and sharing that experience. So maybe changing the destination could be the compromise so you each give in a little bit?
I'm the husband; traveling with my slightly younger sister and our mom.
This is the root of my entire argument w/ my wife.
Um......I'm 37, she's 36, first marriage for both of us.
Thanks for the follow up. I don't want to judge your wife too harshly (maybe a cultural difference at play? Or otherwise?) but I don't agree with her perspective, not one iota. She is being unnecessarily harsh and a bit immature/spoiled(?), and I think so even more now knowing your ages. I might expect this from someone very young but she's nearing middle age. Even if it is a trip she's always wanted to take- doesn't mean she's entitled to it, and she really should know better. Sorry she's giving you such a hard time.
EDIT: Just re-read your initial post. So the real problem isn't the trip itself, at the root, but that your wife doesn't like how much time you spend with family. It sounds like it has ALWAYS been an issue. I fully expect it will remain one. Again, I'm sorry but this has the marks of someone who is a bit controlling and insecure. DO NOT feel like you are "weird," she is using this language to bully you because for whatever reason she apparently does not like you spending time with family.. I wonder if there is a pattern of behavior here. Do you have many friends? How does she react to you spending time with them?
I might expect this from someone very young but she's nearing middle age. Even if it is a trip she's always wanted to take- doesn't mean she's entitled to it, and she really should know better. Sorry she's giving you such a hard time.
Yeah, OP use that logic.
"Hey hon, don't know why you think your entitled to this trip, but I am. See ya!"
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
There are some underlying tensions between my wife, sister, and mom. My sister had an issue b/c I wasn't around much after the holidays yet still while my mom was in town. She didn't think I saw my mom that much. I'm sure that same thing didn't go unnoticed by my mom but I can't confirm that b/c she avoids confrontations at all costs. Either way, these are a bit ridiculous to me b/c a) I wasn't ignoring invitations to hang out; and b) I still saw my family once every couple of weeks as it was. Most importantly, we just got engaged; I was off building a relationship w/ my then-fiance.
My wife has issues w/ my sister staying in her "bubble," i.e., not venturing very far out of the area of the city where she lives, not putting forth a noticeable effort to get to know my wife's friends during pre-wedding and wedding events (not a possible argument at the time we got into our argument about the trip) and only participating in most of these events when my sister's friends were also present, etc. My wife has issues w/ my mom being in town literally close to 120 days a year (we share this issue, actually) but then always asking us (read: not demanding) to hang out. My wife values quality over quantity in terms of time spent w/ family and friends whereas I find value in quality time but in also being able to see family often if they're not permanent residents in the same city we live in.
Navigating these inter-personal tensions is the hardest part of the first few years of a marriage.
I will only say this. More than solving the problem, it is about how much empathy and connect you can build with your spouse. This is the person you are going to live your life with. Not your mother or sibling. And at any rate, you have already built your relationships with them. Even if you neglect them for a few years or by not doing this trip, it won't matter much.
But more than anything, in the first few years, we tend to get extra touchy about these boundaries and there's a lot of keeping score of all the give and take.
The best way to get out of this is to stop doing the give and take and maintaining running totals.
This is going to be hard, but perhaps the only way is to approach this as if your spouse is genuinely on your side and not against. And the faith that if you do it long enough without keeping score, she will indeed start doing the same. Often, just rephrasing our statements makes all the difference.
Someone once shared a very nice trick For every tough conversation, instead of saying "no, but", start with "and also" instead.
I do stuff with my family and without my husband all the time from before we got married and now. He defiantly would have no right to complain. On the other hand I do everything with his family because he doesn't want to and uses me as a buffer. My parents and I are very close. So if I am with my dad sometime he usually will leave his second wife behind and my mom will leave her BF.
"Hey hon, don't know why you think your entitled to this trip, but I am. See ya!"
First he says his new wife is hurt and offended being deliberately excluded. This was a concern of his
Now he's morphed right before our eyes into not caring at all. Even turning it into a self entitlement
I would never let my parent treat my spouse this way. I couldn't even go on a vacation knowing he was hurt by my own mother.
Little lone reward my cruel mother by going on vacation with her!
Boy did this lady get a flake of a husband.
He can change his stance on a dime not giving a rats behind about her
Last edited by OutdoorsyGal; 11-17-2015 at 09:06 PM..
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