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So I've been avoiding this thread all day because reading comments about how horrible I am based on a tiny snippet of information is not my idea of fun, but thank you for all the supportive comments. I was quite pleasantly surprised!
Okay.... I have no problem with thank you notes in general. My kids send them out after birthdays and Christmas and I do the same for those or any other special occasion. It's not about the note, but rather the circumstance. I do not see the necessity of sending out a note for visiting family with no special event held/hosted. If they had ALWAYS done it, then okay, but they never have, why now? I reread the note attached this morning (I skimmed it quickly yesterday, because I had to leave) and there is definitely an air of guilting about it. She has never said anything or tried to convince us to move back UNTIL we revealed we were moving out of this state, but not back home. She was quite furious about it actually; wouldn't even talk about it with my husband. Well this note was pretty guilt trippy, so there it is.
Idk what to do about her. I don't react or get into things with them, because I don't want to hurt my husband or kids, so I just take a back seat when they are here. Low and behold when I tried to get more involved in conversation their last few hours here, the jabs came out (I just ignored her) so it is best I just observe from afar. I don't like that it's like this, because it just makes visits with them anxiety filled, but I am also not going to change my parenting or take her "advice" just to please her and make her pleasurable to be around. Lose lose.
Whats funny about the MIL complaints from several poster and its so typical,that the daughter in laws lay in wait for a reason to attack and then try to jusify why SHE is so annoying. Certainly hope husbands tow the line or we will get the rants about them. Now if she was a Marie Barone type mom Id jump on your bandwagon. As for your husband even thinking it was weird do you really think he would disagree. The guy has learned and knows better.
So much drama over a thank you note. This whole thread has me shaking my head. When you think of all the horrible things that happen in the world, and people make a fuss over a comment, or a "tone", or unwanted advice. On the scale of things that could happen to you, this is pretty small potatoes.
Whats funny about the MIL complaints from several poster and its so typical,that the daughter in laws lay in wait for a reason to attack and then try to jusify why SHE is so annoying. Certainly hope husbands tow the line or we will get the rants about them. Now if she was a Marie Barone type mom Id jump on your bandwagon. As for your husband even thinking it was weird do you really think he would disagree. The guy has learned and knows better.
So you think a mother in law can comment on their daughter in laws weight? That's ok? Or what about housekeeping skills? Parenting skills? There are some mother in laws from hell....there are some that are great. And tons of in between. But We are all looking for a reason to be angry? Yeah. Ok. Sure..
Funny thing is my mother in law is a piece of work. My father in law is an arrogant blow hard. But after all these years, I learned to stop caring what they thought and now I absolutely love them. If they needed anything, I'd be there in a heart beat. And the same If we need them. Ok, I wouldn't let them move in, but luckily they would want to. They are old to be grandparents you young kids and I know after a while it's too much for them, and I drive them crazy (no idea what I do besides be asseritive). And they drive me and my husband crazy. So we see eachother briefly, with breaks built in. And we love eachother to pieces.
Bottom line, in law relationships are really complicated. You do the best you can to smooth things out best you can. And sometimes it's venting on a public forum.
It's interesting that no so very long ago a houseguest sending a thank you note was standard practice, and now people assign ulterior motives to the gesture.
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday
What kind of person tries to read something nefarious into a simple thank you note? Its called manners. Which most are sadly lacking.
My family always sent written thank you notes. I remember reading ones that my grandmothers sent to my mother back in the 1930s and 1940s. My mother sent thank you notes and I sent thank you notes. My adult daughter says that her friends are often speechless when they receive a written thank you note from her and sometimes say that they have never seen one in their entire lives.
It's interesting that no so very long ago a houseguest sending a thank you note was standard practice, and now people assign ulterior motives to the gesture.
This.
I have one remaining Grandmother left. I have 6-7 cousins who also share her as a grandparent. Growing up, I was the only one who lived far away, so for every birthday, Christmas, graduation, etc, where she sent me a present or money, I was raised to send a thank you note.
None of my cousins did this growing up, because they could just talk to her being that they lived in the same small town, but now that they are all grown up and moved away, they don't send her thank you notes at all. This is a really big deal for my parents generation, and for my grandparents generation.
Obviously I can't say whether sending thank you notes and doing the polite thing all these years is the reason for this, but I've been told that when she dies she's leaving me $20k, and the rest is being split among her 3 children. None of my cousins are in the will.
Gen X is probably the last generation to do this, and even with us, it's probably hit or miss depending on your upbringing.
My in-laws were in town visiting a couple weeks ago. We live far away, she won't fly and he still works, so we don't see them often, but the door is always open for them to visit. We didn't do much while they were here, just hung around the house, which they prefer. Anyway, I checked the mail today and there was a thank you card from them that basically said "thanks for letting us visit." I find this to be quite odd. Who sends a thank you note after a visit with family? They never have before. I feel like there is some underlying message with this like they are implying I "let" or "allowed" them to visit. Anyone else think this is weird?
They were being polite. This is understandable because they don't see you in your home all that often. If they visited more often, I think they would not write a note afterwards. I think also this shows that they are still uncomfortable at your place, and that they perhaps weren't sure of their welcome. If they visit more often, perhaps they will become more comfortable.
Implying that you kindly let them visit is just a way of expressing thanks for a kindness.
I don't think it's weird but I'm the kind of person that likes to send thank you notes. I actually think it's a sweet gesture and I wish more people were thoughtful like that.
The "letting us visit" part sounds a little paranoid. It's possible they saw the several days as an intrusion on your life, and worried that it was. So I wouldn't read into it.
Every time we get invited by DIL to her and my son's home (they have two kids), I email (or now text) a brief message like "thank you both for inviting us, we had a great time." They made time for us, and prepared a dinner. How could we not thank them? Part of this kind of thing is that our generation were taught to write thank-you's for everything, as a courtesy and to show we're grateful and taking nothing for granted.
Please. No. As I've stated several times, I'm nothing but nice to them and it's not in my personality to be snide. I barely even talk to them while they're visiting anymore, because I'm tired of the all the remarks. So I just step back and let them play with the kids. Works out fine.
Oh stop it. I don't give a crap about her being southern. I was born and raised in the south, my mom's family is VERY southern. People from the south know those "bless your heart" ladies and that's all I was saying. They say rude things in a nice way, so it doesn't SEEM rude at first, but it's actually very offensive.
And I'm not sure what you are trying to point out. Those statements are consistent.
This visit was better than some other visits. Now jabs or funny remarks until the last half of their last day.Then she made sure to get a few in befure she left I guess. Oh well.
Idk.... It's just seemed strange. The note inside was weird too. Unnecessarily elaborate. But whatever. I guess I am the only person who thinks it's weird.
Don't let her sit in your mind even when she isn't there. Out of sight, out of mind. What she meant by what is not important, you have one life that can't be spent pondering about someone who clearly doesn't care about you. If she comes, be polite and reserved and busy so visit is civil and not causing issues for your husband.
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