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Just do some stuff you want to do around your house without asking his permission. Decorate, bake, etc.
Then just relax and go to your MIL's. THAT is your tradition, whether you officially designate it that or not. Then when she kicks the bucket, you can start a NEW tradition, like traveling to a different destination every Christmas!!
I am betting he will be on board for that because not being able to go to his mom's will be pretty painful for him.
I read that your husband vetoed visiting for Thanksgiving, not everything else. If he really does not allow you to put up lights and a tree and stockings and make gingerbread in your own home then you have a much, much bigger problem than just where to go for Christmas. Does he "not allow" other things that you want to do in your life and in your home?
That might have been a poor choice of words in one sense, yet in another it fit.
I deal with a company that has a department you can send email to but no one ever responds. I call it "blackholing" as in "They told me to email foobar but my request has been blackholed...again." (Fortunately there are other ways of dealing with them or I would have dumped them long ago!)
He does blackholing. If I suggest something he doesn't like, rather than discussing it with me, he just doesn't respond. And I know he hopes I never bring it up again. I suspect his goal is to avoid conflict at all costs.
I push for the things that are important to me, like my recent vehicle purchase. And for the things that weren't such a big deal before but are starting to matter, like Christmas-ing. (Okay, it's not a word.)
It's not that I don't want to go. I didn't want to do the Bataan Death March to the Frigid North that he proposed this year, but that's another topic.
That is actually not so funny. One Christmas day, in my parents home town, the temperature was 25 below zero. Not the chill factor, the actual temperature. At least two people died that day.
My cousin, who lives even farther north, scoffed at "only 25 degrees below zero" One year their record temperature was some thing like 35 or 40 below zero, and also several people died that day due to the cold. (usually because of cars going in the ditch or stopping working in an isolated area and the people freezing to death before they were rescued- but this was before cell phones).
And, this is just in Wisconsin. I can not even imagine how cold it gets in Canada.
Last edited by germaine2626; 11-18-2015 at 12:31 PM..
I would take a few days before you leave to decorate the house, bake cookies, whatever. Also, while you're at mother-in-law's, can you and your husband slip away for a while to do something? Like ride around and look at Christmas lights?
Have you considered going on vacation during this time? Travel to some place warm and tropical. Or, go to Las Vegas and see the lights and take in a show.
Visit his family some other time of the year. Compromise!!!
It seems to me you could participate in Christmas preparation as much as you want. Decorate and bake at home. Even make a Christmas dinner. Invite friends, if you want. Just do it the week before Christmas. Bake some cookies to take to your MIL's. I don't blame you for not wanting to visit the frozen tundra in December. If husband is willing, maybe offer to visit in the summer instead. I can't believe you've been willingly doing this for so many years.
For years we lived south and would visit north for Christmas but it was to my son's house. I still decorated our own home and I baked cookies and breads and mailed them up ahead along with the wrapped presents. A couple of years we stayed home. We didn't feel like the hubbub of flying but it wasn't the same. The hectic madness was what made it Christmas. Enjoy it for what it is. Things change over time. Now we live in the frozen north and it's an easy drive. The family has changed. I don't decorate anymore. But it is what it is.
Let me preface this by saying I know this is not an issue on par with the Syrian refugee crisis or anything like that.
All the same, I'm getting going-away-for-Christmas fatigue.
In the last twenty years, we have celebrated Christmas at home exactly once. (And DH complained about it.) Normally, perpetually, we go to my MIL's house. Now that she lives in the Frigid North instead of 2.5 hours away, it's a multi-day undertaking. We're gone about a week. But I don't mind that. And I love my MIL.
The trouble is that there is never anything for us to do to actually celebrate Christmas, except open gifts. The tree is fully decorated, lights up, Christmas cookies made, all the gifts wrapped, etc. It doesn't feel like Christmas to me because I never get to participate.
I told you it was petty.
But still. The core of the issue is that my SIL (who my MIL lives next door to, now) is compulsively busy. She can't just sit down and have a chat; she has to have two or three things going at once. She's making 12 dozen cookies while wrapping gifts and yakking on the phone.
We try to do what we can around the edges: walk to the store for groceries, volunteer to make a meal before SuperSIL gets there, etc. but that's family stuff. Not Christmas.
Earlier this year I proposed we visit for Thanksgiving instead and do our own thing on Christmas (hey, maybe we could put lights up! A tree! Make gingerbread! Stockings! Whee!). Nope, DH wouldn't allow it.
This year's travel is booked but I'm thinking about putting my foot down for next year. If he wants to see his mom, we can go anytime...even some time when the North isn't quite so Frigid.
Comments?
Decorate shortly after Thanksgiving and enjoy your efforts through the season, and that includes the tree. If you guys buy more than one gift for each other then leave the rest for when you get back. (Personally, I just HATE to open Christmas presents at someone's house and have never been able to pinpoint why.)
But I do think he's being an ass for not agreeing to something different, and you sound like you are ripe for a change, at least this year. I say let him go by himself. It won't score you points with his family but you really are not obligated to spend every year there. You are entitled to doing it your way, too. You may actually enjoy the holiday to yourself - or you may end up hating it. But the effort will certainly reveal much about your future Christmases.
Christmas has a different definition for everyone. I've always wanted a family to spend the holidays with and you have one that does all of the work. Sweet. This will be the first year that neither of us will be at work on one or both days. We don't do Christmas per say because it's just the two of us. I bought one of those star shower laser lights and it literally covers the whole house with red and green lights. It turns itself on when it's dark and turns itself off when it's light. I used it for Halloween with just the green lights. So cool. I know you stay home with your husband and I'll go enjoy the family I'd rather drink arsenic then spend Christmas with John's family. I say go and enjoy your MIL while you still can. There will be plenty of Christmases with just the two of you and you may wish for the good old days that won't be there anymore.
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I'd rather drink arsenic then spend Christmas with John's family. I say go and enjoy your MIL while you still can. There will be plenty of Christmases with just the two of you and you may wish for the good old days that won't be there anymore.
