Ways to counteract a Debbie Downer with tact, wit and empathy... (father, talks)
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I'm headed to my Mom's for Thanksgiving. I hate visiting her. Don't like her much. Right now she has back/hip trouble and is barely able to walk. I confess I'm really only going to Thanksgiving to give my brother a break from taking care of all her business.
So I'd like to be a bit proactive. Usually when I walk in the door we fall back into old patterns of her playing the victim and me getting less and less patient with her BS. So I'd like a few suggestions on ways to change things up.
"Mom, I put up the door swag you like for the holidays!"
"I have a different ribbon in the attic I like to use"
"Mom, I made your favorite corn pudding for T-giving dinner"
"I like my recipe better" "I used your recipe" "well, the new canned creamed corn just isn't as good as it used to be.
"Mom, I put the rug the dog peed on in the laundry."
"I had a different plan for that"
"Mom, we brought fixin's to make pumpkin bread, you can give to the neighbors for the holidays"
"I'm going to make walnut bread like I always do" (Never have made it, and won't get it done until January 5)
I know what you're thinking...why didn't I ask ahead of time? Because if I do, she'll say she wants to think about it for a while longer (like maybe 5 more years before she decides) , it will never get done, then she'll complain that it didn't get done. Or she'll give specific instructions that are impossible to follow, like: go to the attic and find the red box with the ribbons in it that I have saved for 40 years, the box is nowhere to be found, when it is found the ribbon isn't in it, or is ruined and I've spent 6 hours on a project that could have taken 30 minutes and why wasn't the damn ribbon I put on it in the first place good enough? Or she'll say she's going to do it herself, never does, then complains (see below). And won't let me throw away the ruined ribbon.
Plus some of her other gripes:
Your Father lost/ruined/broke something and no one seems to want to find it/replace/it fix it for me. (dad moved to a home 1.5 years ago) If the mail she got yesterday is lost, it is his fault.
Your Brother threw away something from the fridge when I wasn't finished with it. (something moldy and disgusting. that was 6 months ago)
I need help doing something on the computer, your SIL showed me 2 years ago and I've forgotten how to do it. (we've been showing her for 20 years, she'll never learn)
And my personal favorite:
I'm not complaining, I"m just sharing my feelings
Then comes all the sighing about all the things she wanted to do for the holidays and wasn't able to accomplish. So no matter what we've done to create a nice time, she is still thinking about all the unrealistic expectations she created and talked about for weeks, when we knew all along that they weren't going to happen, and didn't even care.
And then all the whining when we didn't help do x, y and z around the house when we've been telling her for years we couldn't help maintain our homes and her own and begged her to move out when she was still capable.
And then comes the lies when she tries to cover up the things she messed up or didn't do, when we didn't care in the first place. She has a crushed vertebra or something, for pete's sake, we have no expectations of her. But I LIKE to do these things! She says.
I know you'll say she's suffering from dementia, which she is too some degree, but these are all things she's been doing since we moved out of the house 25 years ago.
I'm trying to imagine I"m at someone else's mother's house and what would I say to such rudeness and inconsideration and then I realize if someone else's mother was so rude and tactless and self centered I would not be at her house.
So please, suggest some ways I can derail or diffuse the old patterns, preferably in a sweet, kind way, instead of my usual teeth grinding/eye rolling methods.
I'm sure this is not the kind of advice you were looking for but I recommend that you get a copy of the book "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most" by Stone, Patton, Heen and Fisher. This was required reading in two of my communications classes in university. The title makes it sound like it's for big talks (divorce etc) but it is really an excellent guide on how to talk to people when we anticipate friction and lays out step by step how to go about it kindly and honestly. It's a pretty quick read. Two days would be fine to read and absorb it all.
I've had to buy several copies of this book because I keep giving them away to friends and coworkers who are having trouble dealing with family members!
I have a friend kind of like your Mom. Always complaining about "I don't have this...I don't have that..." All material crap, of course.
I got tired of it and finally just said I don't want to hear anymore! Whenever she starts her "pity party" talk I shut it down immediately. I've heard it countless times already and I refuse to rehash what's been said.
It's hard sometimes ... I feel sad for your mother. She can't be happy being this way, and it's too late for her to be any other. Plan now how to respond to neutralize your responses. Hopefully, you can find a way to handle this so that you will reflect back on your relationship with peace in years to come.
Quote:
"Mom, I put up the door swag you like for the holidays!"
"I have a different ribbon in the attic I like to use"
"We'll have to make sure to get it out for next year."
Quote:
"Mom, I made your favorite corn pudding for T-giving dinner"
"I like my recipe better" "I used your recipe" "well, the new canned creamed corn just isn't as good as it used to be.
"You're right, but it's till pretty good."
Quote:
"Mom, I put the rug the dog peed on in the laundry."
"I had a different plan for that"
"Fine, it'll be clean for whatever you plan to do with it."
Quote:
"Mom, we brought fixin's to make pumpkin bread, you can give to the neighbors for the holidays"
"I'm going to make walnut bread like I always do" (Never have made it, and won't get it done until January 5)
And my personal favorite:
I'm not complaining, I"m just sharing my feelings
So please, suggest some ways I can derail or diffuse the old patterns, preferably in a sweet, kind way, instead of my usual teeth grinding/eye rolling methods.
It would help if you could train yourself simply not to take it personal. You don't have to respond to her every single, a simple nod and a hmmhmm could work. Or simple positive deflections like what GreyHorse presented. She's already stated she's just "sharing (her) feelings"-- yes, she's entitled to feeling whatever she wants, so if she's wanting to be a miserable stinker coot-- let her. You are doing real good to help her out, it's too bad she can't recognize nor appreciate the gesture. But it's a wonderful gesture for your brother, not your mother.
Why even bring up many of your examples? Put the swag up. If she doesn't like it, she can change it. Cook what you like. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to eat it. Wash the rug and put it back without mentioning it.
Put some holiday music on,and ignore any complaints if they are retreads that don't have any actual solutions.
It would help if you could train yourself simply not to take it personal. You don't have to respond to her every single, a simple nod and a hmmhmm could work. Or simple positive deflections like what GreyHorse presented.
I agree.
Honestly, being around an elderly victim who thinks like this is like having a toddler in the house.
You really aren't required to respond to every single comment she makes, nor are you required to do every thing she says.
I'm sorry it's like this. It's good that you're visiting.
All of these posts are good, I think. The problem, as you have identified, is your reaction to her complaining. So, change your reaction. Don't inform her of every little thing; you know she will only complain. Just do it--or don't do it. Instead of telling here what you've done, which is probably a familiar pattern between you two, talk to her about other things. Maybe you could do some remembering things. Does she remember your childhood fondly perhaps? Or you could talk to her about an interest she has. Quilting? Sewing? Feeding the birds? Or you can catch her up with your family.
I think you and she are in a pattern that you've fallen into over the years. Change how you initiate conversations with your mom. When she complains, change the subject or simply accept that she isn't happy. She has no idea how negative she is, by the way. And she will probably never change.
When I visited my often unhappy mom, in her later years, I told funny stories or remembered funny incidents from the past. I really like making her laugh. So, maybe joking around with your mom would be a good strategy.
I don't go out of my way for people like that, no matter who they are. When nothing is ever good enough, nothing is ever good enough, so I don't even try. If they don't like the way I do something, they can do it themselves, or hire someone to do it for them--and I tell them that.
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