My mom likes to call and yell at me still (boyfriend, person)
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My whole life my mom has been very over dramatic, about everything.
I wasn't a bad kid growing up. I stayed off drugs, out of jail and at 26 haven't even had a pregnancy scare.
We fought over small stuff. Clothes, make up, boys, my privileges essentially, typical stuff.
Her recent string of calls are to yell at me for everything I do and tell me I'm heading nowhere fast.
Same old song, slightly different lyrics.
I'm not heading nowhere fast.
In fact I don't even feel like I'm living life in anyway worthy of being yelled at for.
I've been in the same relationship for the past 5 years.
We live together, have two dogs and are pretty happy.
We pay our bills.
We stay out of trouble.
We're doing all the right things.
He works, I can't. He has an amazing job traveling the lower 48 and I get to go with him, along with our two dogs. We've been able to pay our bills and then some with me helping out now.
The only things she's called to yell about are me being on top of taking care of my health. (I broke my back in May of '14. I have spinal cord damage and lingering issues.)
I've been trying for the past month or two to find a doctor but between wait times and offices that take my insurance it's hard to find one. I can't even talk to the surgeon who did my surgery because I didn't have health insurance when he had to do surgery and the HI I have now isn't accepted by them.
Then once I told her how I have a plan and I'm trying to get this taken care of she started grasping at straws for other things to yell about then told me I don't use Facebook right and that I post things all the time talking about what a "b&tch" I am. I scrolled two months of post and only found two photos. One of a coffee mug I shared and tagged a friend in that had a bitchy saying and then one of Robert Downey Jr rolling his eyes with the straight outta Compton design but it said "straight out of ferks".
My moms in her 50s and doesn't quiet grasp that sharing isn't a reflection of who a person is.
I see, I laugh, I hit share.
Everything else on my feed is either photos of places we travel, selfies of myself and inspirational don't give up stuff that I tag my friend in who has spinal damage worse than me. Oh and clothes I pin on Pintrest show up on my feed.
I guess because I'm not giving her anything actually worth yelling about she has to attack irrelevant things.
Besides those two photos, that aren't even that bad, she really has zero grounds for the stuff she's said.
She's always focused on all the negative and none of the positive, since I can first remember too.
I'm 26, I figured after 6ish years of not living at home and 1100mi between us I figured she'd be able to talk to me like a normal person.
I don't know what to do.
She's been treating me like she just found me azz up in an alley with a needle dangling out of my arm, a bottle in my hand and some dudes junk in my mouth. Yet this whole thing is over things I hit share to.
What in the world do I say or do?
Or should I just accept my mom is never going to be normal and just find myself another maternal figure in my life?
No because then I'm essentially an orphan without parents to go to. My "dad" hasn't been around since I was 2. She's all I have left. I just want her to be normal.
Yeah. All those so called friends I wanted to hang out with turned on me when I left my last job.
They weren't good people to begin with.
He was on to something, just didn't know how to show it.
You do not have to accept verbal abuse. At 26, you should be able to say, "Mom, I would love to talk to you adult-to-adult, but I am tired of being scolded like I was 6 instead of 26." Then you have to politely, gently and calmly reinforce it. When you are talking to your mom, laugh and say, "Mom, you're scolding me again. Call me back when you want to talk, ok? Bye, now!" When you call her, have an "agenda" of things you want to talk about -- and keep it short. 10 minutes. After you finish, ask her about something going on in her life, something that requires a concrete response. If she starts getting into scolding mode, say, "Mom, you're scolding again, if you don't have anything else to talk about I'm going to go now. Bye!" Sooner or later she'll learn that scolding is not the best way for her to maintain a relationship with you.
She's your mom, and she worries. For some people, worrying comes out as shrill and nagging. I guess the thing she needs to realize is that you are now an adult, and can take care of yourself, even if it's not exactly the way she would choose. She may be uncomfortable with you living with your S.O. and not have the relationship formalized, and is afraid of what is in store for you if the relationship goes sour.
One question to ask yourself: What DO you want out of your relationship with your mother? A confidant? A buddy? A cheerleader? If you can think about that, and then articulate it to your mother, you might be surprised. Lots of moms get stuck in "helicopter" mode trying to manage their kids' lives. An adult child who is able to say, "Mom, this is what I need from you, now" often surprises the heck out of their parents. :-)
She posted that last April and broke her back last May, so apparently that solved some of their domestic issues. PErhaps the broken back took the baby issue off the table for now and eased the pressure in the relationship.
Last edited by Stagemomma; 10-19-2015 at 02:30 PM..
Wow, txtqueen, I said you were a doormat last year and it seems you are doing it again. She will never be normal and i know that sucks.
You may be able to retrain your mom and set some boundaries. Take her calls, or call her, and Stick to topics you are comfortable with. When she starts criticizing you, and you are unable to change the subject, politely tell her you have to get off the phone and you will talk to her later. Bye!
I had to do this when my mom called me all drunk and rambly. she'd go on for hours. Then when she would call back the next day or so she'd have no memory of it and tell me all over again. I finally started ending the call when Id had enough, and darned if she didn't learn that I would only talk to her when she was sober! She seems to have stopped drinking but I still keep my calls to her fairly short.
I feel your pain. My mom was hyper critical to me for 25 years. It escalated right up to my wedding day. Once that was done, She quit harassing me and went back to abusing my dad.
Your. mom. will. never. be. normal. So don't waste your time on that. Live your best life and try to treat her as kindly as possible. She is likely very lonely. My mom really gets upset when we put stuff on Facebook but don't send it directly to her. She feels left out if everyone sees it. Maybe try to send a few things directly to her. And ask her advice on things she is good at....she doesn't need to know that you didn't necessarily do what she said, but she'll be happy you asked. Nothing makes my mom happier than me calling for advice on cooking, even though her memory is bad and I generally can't rely on what she says. Moms like to feel relevant!
No because then I'm essentially an orphan without parents to go to. My "dad" hasn't been around since I was 2. She's all I have left. I just want her to be normal.
You can't change anybody, but, yourself. There is no way you will change your mother so don't get all upset trying to it isn't going to happen and she shouldn't get upset trying to change you. I do hope your BF is working out better though.....
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