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Old 12-14-2015, 09:22 AM
 
Location: Canada
6,483 posts, read 5,528,529 times
Reputation: 18066

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cara_319 View Post
Long Story Short, my older brother visited me this weekend. He's always been very jealous of me, due to my professional success, but I've still tried to keep the lines of communication open. Unfortunately, throughout the weekend, w/out fail, he attempted to belittle me. I really should have asked him to leave, but instead, I tried to be gracious. In the end, he continued to demean me, to the point that I no longer wish to communicate, ever gain.

His b-day is coming up, but I don't plan on buying him a gift or a card, because we do not have any relationship. Am I wrong for wanting nothing to do with him, ever again?
Oh man, how familiar this sounds!!! I have one brother who, instead of being happy for us that we do well financially, he is so jealous that he has to run us down and make sarcastic comments.

Such as...
If I had your money, blah blah blah
Well you can afford it, blah blah blah
He asks how much we paid for things, how much we sold things, etc. I just tell him it's none of his business.

If he goes overboard on the sarcastic insults, I tell him off and that shuts him up for a while.

I love him, but this drives me crazy too. When he isn't pointing things out or making nasty comments, he's a really good guy. He'll never change, has always been that way. I can't see me ever writing him off.
Think long and hard before you do, if you decide to.
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Old 12-14-2015, 09:41 AM
 
Location: Jamestown, NY
7,841 posts, read 8,317,865 times
Reputation: 13779
I'm with germaine2626. A lot of whether you should disown your brother depends upon how long this has been going on, its extent, and the likelihood of any change. That said, my guess is that this isn't the first time this friction has occurred, and my guess is that it might go back to childhood.

Without knowing all the gory details, none of us can really give you much guidance in this, and the best we can do is give you own examples ... without all our own gory details.

In my case, I no longer speak to one of my brothers or his daughters. My brother is a selfish, devious individual, and his late wife as vile and vindictive a person as I have ever known. Both did things that were morally reprehensible (although not to me personally) that they hid behind facades of respectability and religiosity. They didn't start out this way, but maybe their individual personal failings fed off each other the longer they stayed married. Their petty nastiness in family relations got worse until my brother finally crossed a line that I couldn't accept. It was about a quarter century in coming.

Certainly my brother and his daughters have made it clear that they want nothing to do with not only their siblings but with their extended family, too, as the daughters only informed 1 family member of their mother's passing. I'm more than happy to accommodate them.
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Old 12-14-2015, 10:02 AM
 
800 posts, read 1,147,445 times
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i "disowned" my older brother a few years ago. hes always in trouble with the law, a bad influence, and generally a bad person. last straw was trying to stab me about 7-8 years ago.... i havent looked back or felt bad about it. he lives in Fl somewhere and i've made it very clear to the rest of my family to never give him my number or address. so a bit different that the OP but if but if you feel better off without him then go for it.
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Old 12-14-2015, 10:03 AM
 
714 posts, read 632,186 times
Reputation: 1576
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cara_319 View Post
Long Story Short, my older brother visited me this weekend. He's always been very jealous of me, due to my professional success, but I've still tried to keep the lines of communication open. Unfortunately, throughout the weekend, w/out fail, he attempted to belittle me. I really should have asked him to leave, but instead, I tried to be gracious. In the end, he continued to demean me, to the point that I no longer wish to communicate, ever gain.

His b-day is coming up, but I don't plan on buying him a gift or a card, because we do not have any relationship. Am I wrong for wanting nothing to do with him, ever again?

I have sister who is just like this. We actually get along well if it's just me and her/her husband.

But if anyone else is around, especially someone from outside the family, she is on a full out mission to embarrass me. She will find anything, and use everything to her advantage.

I'm not to disown status yet, but I'm one or two bad encounters away. Just don't see the benefit anymore.
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Old 12-14-2015, 10:16 AM
 
Location: Hampton Roads
3,032 posts, read 4,340,542 times
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Are you belittling him for not being as "successful" as you?
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Old 12-14-2015, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Aloverton
6,564 posts, read 13,425,774 times
Reputation: 10114
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cara_319 View Post
Long Story Short, my older brother visited me this weekend. He's always been very jealous of me, due to my professional success, but I've still tried to keep the lines of communication open. Unfortunately, throughout the weekend, w/out fail, he attempted to belittle me. I really should have asked him to leave, but instead, I tried to be gracious. In the end, he continued to demean me, to the point that I no longer wish to communicate, ever gain.

His b-day is coming up, but I don't plan on buying him a gift or a card, because we do not have any relationship. Am I wrong for wanting nothing to do with him, ever again?
No, you aren't wrong. I disowned my sister, my only full blood sibling, two decades ago for less. Two of my brothers-in-law can never, ever, ever come to my home again.

Family is overrated. In theory, it's fine; in theory, it is the people who will always support and be there for you. The theory rarely obtains. In practice, most of the people who prattle about the importance of family plan to use it as a lasso and an alibi. The lasso is to restrain people from escaping their abusive behavior. The alibi is to explain away why they are actually treating their own flesh and blood worse than they would treat random strangers.

A good example would be when I disowned my ex-sister. Not a single family member sought to understand my reasons or feelings. It made them uncomfortable, and they went through all the stages of grief, but even to this day there has never been a stage where someone gave a rip about how I had felt after her actions, and why I'd done it. So the question was: "and why again do I want to reverse this decision and resume a contact that causes me pain, all to satisfy all of you people, who do not seem to care about anyone's pain but your own, and who would be happy to see me do some more suffering as long as it removes your discomfort?"
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Old 12-14-2015, 10:41 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,422 posts, read 21,816,787 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by randomlikeme View Post
Are you belittling him for not being as "successful" as you?

That crossed my mind, too.


I know someone who, when he is excited about a trip or a new purchase, will share FAR too much information. Yes, I am happy that he and his wife are going to see our alma mater in a bowl game, and it is good to know the dates that he will be gone, but did he really have to let us know his itinerary by forwarded a copy of his first class airplane reservations? I was shocked to discover that their plane tickets alone are more than my husband and I make in a month.


But, he really did not sent it to brag, it was just thoughtless of him.


OP, is it possible that you are doing things thoughtlessly that emphasize how successful you are?
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Old 12-14-2015, 10:59 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ and Redwood City, CA
13,209 posts, read 9,107,038 times
Reputation: 47207
Quote:
Originally Posted by j_k_k View Post
Family is overrated... A good example would be when I disowned my ex-sister. Not a single family member sought to understand my reasons or feelings. It made them uncomfortable, and they went through all the stages of grief, but even to this day there has never been a stage where someone gave a rip about how I had felt after her actions, and why I'd done it. So the question was: "and why again do I want to reverse this decision and resume a contact that causes me pain, all to satisfy all of you people, who do not seem to care about anyone's pain but your own, and who would be happy to see me do some more suffering as long as it removes your discomfort?"
I think that's the way humans are built. We don't understand anyone else's pain unless it's of a type we've experienced. Some people are incapable of empathy. They just can't put themselves in anyone else's shoes. Plus, in your case, they may have felt that they needed to be on good terms with your sister just as much as you -- and it seemed like you were asking them to choose sides.

You are right, family is overrated but for some reason, much venerated. I get that everyone wants the kind of family where siblings are close and can share with each other without resentment but that's not the way humans are built, either. I think that in those families where sisters are close for a lifetime there is much that is overlooked or forgiven, perhaps even things that other people would consider unforgivable.
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Old 12-14-2015, 11:05 AM
 
37,350 posts, read 25,319,289 times
Reputation: 62157
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cara_319 View Post
Long Story Short, my older brother visited me this weekend. He's always been very jealous of me, due to my professional success, but I've still tried to keep the lines of communication open. Unfortunately, throughout the weekend, w/out fail, he attempted to belittle me. I really should have asked him to leave, but instead, I tried to be gracious. In the end, he continued to demean me, to the point that I no longer wish to communicate, ever gain.

His b-day is coming up, but I don't plan on buying him a gift or a card, because we do not have any relationship. Am I wrong for wanting nothing to do with him, ever again?
Did you try talking to him about it? Perhaps he doesn't realize how he's coming off. Cutting him off is up to you, but if it were me I would first try to work it out. if you don't communicate you'll never know.
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Old 12-14-2015, 11:14 AM
 
Location: Aloverton
6,564 posts, read 13,425,774 times
Reputation: 10114
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I think that's the way humans are built. We don't understand anyone else's pain unless it's of a type we've experienced. Some people are incapable of empathy. They just can't put themselves in anyone else's shoes. Plus, in your case, they may have felt that they needed to be on good terms with your sister just as much as you -- and it seemed like you were asking them to choose sides.
In hindsight, at times I wish I had asked them to choose sides, instead of going out of my way not to do that. They definitely behaved as if I had, when all I wanted was respect for my own choice. I think you are right: a lot of people do not have nearly the empathy they think they do. I say this because I am sure that each and every one of them would consider themselves very caring and empathetic people, and yet I have evidence of its limits.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
You are right, family is overrated but for some reason, much venerated. I get that everyone wants the kind of family where siblings are close and can share with each other without resentment but that's not the way humans are built, either. I think that in those families where sisters are close for a lifetime there is much that is overlooked or forgiven, perhaps even things that other people would consider unforgivable.
It's definitely the case with my wife's sisters. I have three sisters-in-law: the Hall Monitor, the Lunatic (by marriage), and the Moron. The Hall Monitor and the Moron I will never forgive for their behavior toward my wife. The Lunatic is aggravating but has never done my wife harm, thus I am patient and tolerant with her. I will endure the Hall Monitor and the Moron in my home if and when I cannot avoid it, but anything beyond agreeing not to bar the door or be openly hostile without immediate fresh cause is too much to ask. In short, they can come, and if they aren't horses' posteriors, I will refrain from telling them what I think of them, and treating them accordingly. Their husbands will not be there, because I draw the line there and will not bend.

If I were my wife, I'd have disowned both sisters long ago. But I'm not, and she still wants to endure them and receive some more punishment, so I have to respect her wishes, as she comes first. Unlike her sisters, who have no empathy for anything she has ever felt, I can empathize that she would grieve the loss of even dysfunctional family connections, so I need not to obstruct them.
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