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Old 12-14-2015, 11:15 AM
 
Location: north bama
2,955 posts, read 164,230 times
Reputation: 5274

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loan him a few hundred bucks ... he`ll go away forever ...
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Old 12-14-2015, 11:34 AM
 
Location: Portland Metro
2,302 posts, read 4,241,693 times
Reputation: 2734
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I think that's the way humans are built. We don't understand anyone else's pain unless it's of a type we've experienced. Some people are incapable of empathy. They just can't put themselves in anyone else's shoes. Plus, in your case, they may have felt that they needed to be on good terms with your sister just as much as you -- and it seemed like you were asking them to choose sides.

You are right, family is overrated but for some reason, much venerated. I get that everyone wants the kind of family where siblings are close and can share with each other without resentment but that's not the way humans are built, either. I think that in those families where sisters are close for a lifetime there is much that is overlooked or forgiven, perhaps even things that other people would consider unforgivable.
Both you and j_k_k make excellent points. There's a societal pressure about having a relationship with family that basically ignores the reality that some families have really dysfunctional dynamics.

My brothers are pretty much out of my life. They squeezed everything they could from our mother, to the point that she had to declare bankruptcy in her 80s. It's the usual story--drugs, poor choices, and a "live for today" attitude that has resulted in them all in their 50s now with no jobs and living on disability. There's so much more to the story, but their downfall was of their own making (well, to be fair our mother could never say no to them when they would come to her for a handout).

But even though I'm sure the best course of action for me and my immediate family is to keep up the policy of no contact with my brothers, I still second guess this. I still wonder if I should reach out to them and invite them back into my life. That's me feeling like I have to bow to the societal pressure that says, "through thick and thin, a person should have a relationship with their siblings."

fluffy, this is why your post and j_k_k's post resonate so much with me. No two families are alike, and nobody can place their standard on anyone else.

As for the OP, is he/she really being passive aggressive, or are they taking the higher moral ground? Why enter into a dialog with somebody whose way of attacking you is through dialog?
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Old 12-14-2015, 12:32 PM
 
14,346 posts, read 9,490,051 times
Reputation: 26958
It's your life, your consequences, you have to live with your decision, what ever it is
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Old 12-14-2015, 12:48 PM
 
Location: Eureka CA
9,518 posts, read 13,125,680 times
Reputation: 14972
IF he died tomorrow, would you miss him?
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Old 12-14-2015, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Maryland
912 posts, read 783,426 times
Reputation: 1078
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cara_319 View Post
Long Story Short, my older brother visited me this weekend. He's always been very jealous of me, due to my professional success, but I've still tried to keep the lines of communication open. Unfortunately, throughout the weekend, w/out fail, he attempted to belittle me. I really should have asked him to leave, but instead, I tried to be gracious. In the end, he continued to demean me, to the point that I no longer wish to communicate, ever gain.

His b-day is coming up, but I don't plan on buying him a gift or a card, because we do not have any relationship. Am I wrong for wanting nothing to do with him, ever again?
Have you told him how you feel?

To me, family is family and you need to learn ways to make those relationships work.

On the reverse side, my mother is mentally ill and highly destructive to herself and others, so I distance myself from her, especially now that I have a child to protect.

I think people give up on relationships far too easily. But I also think that if someone is doing you harm, you've been very clear it's not okay, and they continue to harm you, then you need to protect yourself, even if that means placing some space between the two of you.

Only you know what you have tried so far to make this work and how unhealthy this relationship is for you. Only you can make that call.
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Old 12-14-2015, 01:30 PM
 
8,042 posts, read 3,237,515 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HOSS429 View Post
loan him a few hundred bucks ... he`ll go away forever ...

That would not work with my brother, I have loaned him money and he forgets about it. I have also borrowed money and he also forgets about it.

One time when we were going to Univesity I borrowed 20 dollars as we went to school and upon coming home several hours later I gave him his money back and he looked at it and asked why I was giving it to him. I told him I had borrowed from him just 4 hours earlier, he shrugged and said "If I say so".

OP: your options do not have to be cut him off completely or continue as before, you could also have less contact with him but still be friendly, especially when not in the same location. From the sounds of others posters here your brother is not anywhere as bad as the brothers that they have. I have little contact with my brother but when we get together it is like we see each other every week. Neither of us are much on the phone and I do not think he is even on email let alone Facebook or Twitter. Just back off a bit and think about the pros and cons of not being in contact with your brother before making the decision. If you cut him off without letting him know you will appear as the bad guy to all others.
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Old 12-14-2015, 01:48 PM
bg7
 
7,696 posts, read 9,459,305 times
Reputation: 15247
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cara_319 View Post
Long Story Short, my older brother visited me this weekend. He's always been very jealous of me, due to my professional success, but I've still tried to keep the lines of communication open. Unfortunately, throughout the weekend, w/out fail, he attempted to belittle me. I really should have asked him to leave, but instead, I tried to be gracious. In the end, he continued to demean me, to the point that I no longer wish to communicate, ever gain.

His b-day is coming up, but I don't plan on buying him a gift or a card, because we do not have any relationship. Am I wrong for wanting nothing to do with him, ever again?


You are being confused by the word "family." While there are many wonderful families, the term has also been used down the ages to justify and cover all sorts of abuse, demeaning actions and words, and generally unacceptable behavior.


So consider this: would you accept or want to have in your life a stranger who treated you the way your brother treated you? If not, there's your answer.


"Family" isn't a pass card for unacceptable behavior. Move on.

Last edited by bg7; 12-14-2015 at 02:14 PM..
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Old 12-14-2015, 03:00 PM
 
Location: Aloverton
6,564 posts, read 13,397,853 times
Reputation: 10114
Quote:
Originally Posted by jjpop View Post
But even though I'm sure the best course of action for me and my immediate family is to keep up the policy of no contact with my brothers, I still second guess this. I still wonder if I should reach out to them and invite them back into my life. That's me feeling like I have to bow to the societal pressure that says, "through thick and thin, a person should have a relationship with their siblings."

fluffy, this is why your post and j_k_k's post resonate so much with me. No two families are alike, and nobody can place their standard on anyone else.
Here is basically how the logic runs through my mind:
  • I have finite emotional, physical, financial, and temporal resources.
  • The world has infinite need for those resources, which I could not sate in a thousand lifetimes.
  • At some point, I will have to pick and choose, and learn to say 'no.'
  • A number of people in this world, I have identified as important to me. Their deeds earned this importance.
  • When I squander my finite resources on ingrates, family guilt-trippers, and con artists, those are resources that could have been well invested in people important to me.
  • Failing that, they could have been well invested in random acts of kindness just to better society.
  • Furthermore, rewarding bad behavior brings more bad behavior. Family guilt trips are bad behavior.
  • Some families will learn to stop guilt tripping if every guilt trip costs them rather than pays them.
  • Some will not, but if one distances oneself from the guilt trips, one will let them own the problem.
Every minute I spend with my aunt, lecturing me on why I should reconcile with my sister because it would make said aunt feel better, I could be spending with my uncle or first cousin, both of whom are the only family members ever even to take offense on my behalf at guilt-tripping. I do not want to deny my uncle and cousin part of the affection I feel they have earned, by giving it to my aunt, who rewards it with guilt trips. When I throw good time after bad, I feel like I'm cheating good people. Same with giving money to bail people out who are serial moochers; that's money I could have done better by giving to almost anyone else, even a stranger. Instead, I wasted it, and rewarded serial mooching. If I feel any guilt, it's when I reward evil with kindness.
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Old 12-14-2015, 03:06 PM
 
Location: La Mesa Aka The Table
8,968 posts, read 9,726,987 times
Reputation: 10545
People with low self esteem always try to make people around them feel just a miserable as they are.
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Old 12-14-2015, 03:10 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
91,167 posts, read 88,023,278 times
Reputation: 98647
This may not have to be a permanent decision, OP. Look at it more as needing to take a break from him, a long break. Maybe in a few years, he'll mature (hey, we can hope and dream, right?), and might apologize, or ta least make gestures toward reconciliation.

You're not wrong. You shouldn't have to take verbal and/or emotional abuse. If the only way you can draw a line is by withdrawing from the relationship, so be it. You have a right to your self-esteem, peace of mind and to respect.
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