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Long Story Short, my older brother visited me this weekend. He's always been very jealous of me, due to my professional success, but I've still tried to keep the lines of communication open. Unfortunately, throughout the weekend, w/out fail, he attempted to belittle me. I really should have asked him to leave, but instead, I tried to be gracious. In the end, he continued to demean me, to the point that I no longer wish to communicate, ever gain.
His b-day is coming up, but I don't plan on buying him a gift or a card, because we do not have any relationship. Am I wrong for wanting nothing to do with him, ever again?
Is this something new? Such as you being more successful than him for a few years? Such as you being a successful 25 or 26 year old and he is a couple of years older and not as successful?
Or has this been going on for 5 years, 10 years, 15 or 20 years?
How bad has he acted? Was it just a mildly, negative comment here or there or non-stop VERY mean and VERY angry and VERY demeaning comments?
I recommend that you seriously consider this before you do something that you regret. Maybe cutting him out of your life is best and maybe not, but please do not rush into anything.
Is it possible that it will change?
Did you tell him how you felt?
Did you discuss it with him?
Have you discussed it with him in the past? Many times in the past? Many times over many years?
OK, you do have a relationship with your brother, but you aren't happy with it. You could be passive aggressive and "forget" his birthday. But I suggest trying to have a talk with him about why he belittles you. Think about the things he says or does that causes you resentment. Be able to state the things clearly. Have the talk.
His responses will guide you to know if you want to continue to have a brotherly relationship. It is possible that your talk will clear the air, or it is possible that he will blow you off. If he does the latter, then you know he doesn't value you.
On the gift, I'd do what I normally do just this once. Then have the talk, and then decide.
Even if he blow you off, blows up or refuses to take your concerns seriously, don't write him off forever--unless there is something else in your history that you didn't mention. If you lose contact with him for a time, be open to his friendship at a later date, when you both have lived a little longer and are wiser.
Good luck. Do try to salvage something though, before writing him off.
I would base my actions on how you would feel if he unexpectedly died, say in a year or two, without you ever having contacted him again. (Not judging here, as I don't communicate at all with two of my siblings, so maybe you would be fine with it.)
Personally, though, I feel that a card or an occasional e-mail hurts no one, and I also don't think it would hurt if you wrote or said something like, "I don't know if you realize it or not, but I feel that you belittle me when you __________." That would give him a chance to apologize, if he did not know what he was doing -- let's face it, some people are clueless about the effect their words have on others.
(Btw, about me and the two siblings I mentioned, we ARE all on "good terms" with each other, but because we have lived more than 1200 miles apart for close to 30 years and so see each other, at most, about every two or three years, and because we have completely different lives and interests, we just don't feel the need or have the desire to communicate with each other at all. We keep up with each other's major life events through another sister, the "social organizer" of the family.)
I have this dilemma. I haven't spoken to my brother in years and probably won't again. I'm OK with that. I watched how insidiously he tortured our dear Mom. She didn't deserve to suffer for his immaturity. It definitely had a lot to do with her untimely demise. I'm not ready to forgive. He still hasn't learned.
Did you say anything to your brother at the time he visited? If you said nothing then you should write him a letter telling him how you feel, don't put it in a birthday card, it has nothing to do with that. Don't be overly emotional and just state the facts such as "you said "…" or "the way you treat me does not make me want to spend time with you".
I would not make life-long pronouncements such as "I never want to see you again" because that may not be true. Tell him you don't feel like spending time with him and hope that sometime in the future that could change if he does.
It will feel good to get it off your mind. Sometimes relatives can be the worst to be around. As they say You can choose your friends but not your relatives. I surely wish I could have chosen different parents and had a better childhood but that's life.
All the wise books say to forgive people so the negative feelings don't stay in you. Forgive but don't forget.
I keep toxic people far away from me. They pull me down & I feel miserable in their company so its best for me to stay as far away from them as possible. Some relationships, even blood ties, run their course as people grow in different directions so trying to pull them towards you only puts more force & tension on the relationship. Don't feel guilty about breaking ties. Do what's in your best interest. Take time apart. Hopefully over time both of you can come together again & sort things out. Sometimes its not the right time to push someone into resolving issues as there are more important issues to address so let them figure it out for themselves & give him space.
OK, you do have a relationship with your brother, but you aren't happy with it. You could be passive aggressive and "forget" his birthday. But I suggest trying to have a talk with him about why he belittles you. Think about the things he says or does that causes you resentment. Be able to state the things clearly. Have the talk.
His responses will guide you to know if you want to continue to have a brotherly relationship. It is possible that your talk will clear the air, or it is possible that he will blow you off. If he does the latter, then you know he doesn't value you.
On the gift, I'd do what I normally do just this once. Then have the talk, and then decide.
Even if he blow you off, blows up or refuses to take your concerns seriously, don't write him off forever--unless there is something else in your history that you didn't mention. If you lose contact with him for a time, be open to his friendship at a later date, when you both have lived a little longer and are wiser.
Good luck. Do try to salvage something though, before writing him off.
I agree with this 100%. Ignoring him/cutting him off without even trying to have a discussion about how it makes you feel when he treats you this way is just passive aggressive. If you try to talk to him about it and he is dismissive about the way you feel, then maybe distance yourself from him - but make it clear to him this is why you're doing it, don't do it passive aggressively and leave him wondering why. If you don't tell someone you don't like the way they are treating you, I'm not sure why you'd expect him to change.
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