How to respond when someone tells you something unfortunate it (wife, member)
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So, I've read comments and articles where people say it's inappropriate to say, "I'm sorry" when someone tells you something unfortunate (they have cancer, lost a loved one, have a child with special needs, going through a divorce, etc.).
So, what should I say if someone tells me something unfortunate? I used to say, "I'll keep you in my prayers." but I decided to stop saying that because I frequently forget to say a prayer for them.
I like that. I usually say "I'm sorry you're dealing with that, how can I help?". I never heard a simple "I'm sorry" was inappropriate though, unless it's insincere.
Usually I ask if there is anything I can do. If there is something specific I can offer, like going to a doctor's appointment with them, or rides or caring for a pet while they travel, I make a specific offer.
I'm sorry isn't so bad...not perfect but not awful.
But:
How are you?
Wow, that must be so hard!
Can I do anything to help...what about ____________?
Man, what a jerk (when applicable)!
How are you managing all this?
You really have a lot on your plate....
Wow!
I can't imagine.
Really?
OMG!
People going through a lot want to hear you understand (always), be offered a place to vent (sometimes), and be offered a hand (even less often). usually they just want to feel they are heard, and sometimes a place to vent.
I had a friend who had a child diagnosed with cancer. I didn't say "Im so sorry", offer to pray or even tell her if she needed anything, let me know. I just told her, honestly, it sounded so scary and listened to her. Gave her a hug and bit my tongue to say more. A couple weeks later she called me with a major problem at her house. She knew I had some experience with the problem. I didn't give her contacts or advice. I came right over and I took care of it right away. That is how you can really help people. Keep an ear out and work on it, even if they don't ask.
Last edited by HighFlyingBird; 01-03-2016 at 08:57 PM..
"I am so sorry you're going through this. What is your biggest stress factor right now?"
The reason why I ask this is because it keeps me from assuming I know what's causing them the most stress - it's THEIR life and their situation. Also, you'd be surprised at what you can do to help if you get a specific answer.
For instance, recently my physical therapist's son had a tragedy happen in his life - his 10 month old son choked on a small object and was irreversibly brain damaged. He is not ever likely to be anything other than basically a vegetable - from a healthy, beautiful baby boy to this tragic event - in ten minutes. My PT was devastated of course and so was the entire family.
When I asked "What can I do to help?" I got vague, polite answers. But when I asked, "What are some of the couples' biggest stress factors right now?" I found out that they are very strapped for money and that, believe it or not, they really needed a microwave oven in order to heat up something that they are feeding the baby, without having to try to heat it up on the stove. Considering that everything is suddenly so much more difficult than it used to be...sometimes the little things can be the things that drive one crazy. I am sure that at one point their family could have gotten them one, but I knew that the family has been basically providing everything for them for months because the wife had to quit working, cutting their income in half, and they had had to spend so much time out of town at the Children's Hospital for weeks on end...the family had just reached their financial limit. But there was no way my PT would have come right out and asked for money.
Anyway, this was something I could do to help - I could get them a microwave oven! So I asked what color their appliances were and believe it or not, we had a "spare" nice microwave because the house we'd lived in just a few weeks earlier had not had a built in microwave so we'd bought a nice one - and then moved into a home a few months later with a built in microwave. So we had one just sitting in our garage!
So I called him back and said, "What time do you get off work - I need to bring you something."
It felt great to be able to help this young couple. I wouldn't have been able to if I'd just said, "If you need anything, let me know," or "What can I do to help?" So I learned a good lesson.
Thank you OP as I have been stuck on a few occasions and barely managed to eek out an "I'm sorry".
Like you I would not remember to pray for someone, so I stopped telling them that I would keep them in my prayers. Then I moved on to "I'm sorry to hear that" but somehow I got it in my head that it sounded, and came across, like "Man, why did you have to go and tell me that. Now I can't unhear it". I shortened it to "I'm sorry" but that's too short, so it's "I'm so sorry" when I can remember.
I'm liking some of the suggestions, so thank you again for starting this conversation
So, I've read comments and articles where people say it's inappropriate to say, "I'm sorry" when someone tells you something unfortunate (they have cancer, lost a loved one, have a child with special needs, going through a divorce, etc.).
So, what should I say if someone tells me something unfortunate? I used to say, "I'll keep you in my prayers." but I decided to stop saying that because I frequently forget to say a prayer for them.
I hear stuff like this from seniors, as I now live in senior apartments. Honestly, I usually say, "I'm so sorry, that really sucks." Then, I usually ask something about how it affects their ability to get around or deal with pain, that sort of thing.
Honestly, I don't end it with a question about how I can help. I have learned that some people will take advantage of that, and it's really awkward to then have to put up a boundary if they start asking for too much. I don't want to become their caregiver.
But, I can show compassion and look them in the eye and really listen and engage in asking questions.
Anyone who tells you something that private and distressing wants something from you. Often, it's just honest compassion and to just listen to them actively. But, sometimes, they are looking for someone to take care of them. So, unless you really mean it when you ask them an open-ended "what can I do to help?" be ready for them to ask you for help, and maybe more than you really want to give, which could be really awkward.
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