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Then, he starts acting what I can only call very, very strange. Because I had had no or very few girlfriends over the years, he directly implies on multiple occasions that he thought I was either gay or asexual (neither one being true at all, as I am only romantically attracted to females). Eventually, I got really tired of his insulting insinuations, and called him out on it, and let him know that it is not nice to keep calling your friend of many years gay or asexual, especially when it is totally untrue. He then bashes and flames me in response over social media DM, angrily claiming he had never said that (also untrue). He stops calling me, goes out of his way to avoid me, and I don't hear from him for a few years. He does not renew his earlier offer of me coming up to meet him and/or his friends, etc. I later find out that he gets married by browsing his facebook randomly one day (he did not even have the courtesy to tell me that he was getting married -- I don't even care about not being invited, but not even telling me about it?) I wrote him over DM to congratulate him, but also to ask as nicely as possible why he did not tell me about it -- as that was actually kinda hurtful, to me -- and he writes back with a justification of something like "oh, we fell out of touch as friends, so I didn't think it mattered", etc.
Fast forward to today. A while back, I experienced a serious, grave injury, and he writes me another DM on social media to wish that I get better soon, and to call him if I needed to talk. I am undergoing long-term recovery which takes months to bounce back from, so when I finally do have a chance to write him back over DM many months later, pretty much pouring my heart out about how harrowing and hard the experience was to deal with, I get nothing -- just radio silence. He is now completely ignoring me again, just as he did before, when he himself was the one who said I could reach out to him, if I needed to talk more about it.
My question is, what should I do? Let it go, forget about him (as he has obviously demonstrated that he is in truth not a good friend at all), and say nothing at all? Or write him over DM again to express my disappointment at his total ignore, and call him out on his hypocrisy and hard-heartedness? I am leaning towards the former option, but I must admit that it is also somewhat tempting to do the latter...thoughts? Anyway, sorry for writing so much & thanks in advance, for your advice!
Last edited by Phoenix2017; 02-09-2016 at 09:49 AM..
Let it go- your friendship with this guy died years ago.
Sometimes when people say " call me if you want to talk" it's sort of like when they say " let's do lunch sometime". It's totally meaningless. Just words.
He's already told he feels this friendship ended a long time ago by his words about his wedding. I don't get the feeling that this friendship is going to be reignited. I would move on from it. People come and go in our lives. This one is gone. It's not worth the emotional stress to worry over this. Move on, find new friends .
Two issues here with your "corrrespondence": it sounds as if it is all conducted on social media, with no phone calls, emails, personal visits, or snailmail being part of it, and both of you have let huge blocks of time pass in between your messages. Toss in misunderstanding and resulting serious conflict about your romantic preferences, and you have not just a recipe for disaster, but several existing disasters.
So, if you really want to try to resurrect what sounds like a moribund friendship, call your friend, or write him a REAL letter - on paper, with ink. Apologize for your own part in letting your connection lapse, and tell him he is someone you value and that you don't want to lose his friendship. Do NOT be accusatory or complain about his part in creating the distance between you. Then respect whatever reply - or lack of response - you receive, and move on.
Lesson to be learned here: don't rely on social media for all of your communication with people who are important to you, and don't let long periods of time pass in between connecting with them in other ways. Ideally in real life, real-time situations, but also through phone calls and/or letters.
(I swear, judging by various posts on C-D, social media leads to broken friendships so frequently that it should come with a warning label...).
(I swear, judging by various posts on C-D, social media leads to broken friendships so frequently that it should come with a warning label...).
The problem - although not true here - lies in the fact that those C-D people truly and erroneously think that their social media connections are friends.
Fast forward to today. A while back, I experienced a serious, grave injury, and he writes me another DM on social media to wish that I get better soon, and to call him if I needed to talk. I am undergoing long-term recovery which takes months to bounce back from, so when I finally do have a chance to write him back over DM many months later, pretty much pouring my heart out about how harrowing and hard the experience was to deal with, I get nothing -- just radio silence. He is now completely ignoring me again, just as he did before, when he himself was the one who said I could reach out to him, if I needed to talk more about it.
Out of curiosity, how much time has passed since you wrote him back? How long has the "radio silence" been going on?
Then, he starts acting what I can only call very, very strange. Because I had had no or very few girlfriends over the years, he directly implies on multiple occasions that he thought I was either gay or asexual (neither one being true at all, as I am only romantically attracted to females). Eventually, I got really tired of his insulting insinuations, and called him out on it, and let him know that it is not nice to keep calling your friend of many years gay or asexual, especially when it is totally untrue. He then bashes and flames me in response over social media DM, angrily claiming he had never said that (also untrue). He stops calling me, goes out of his way to avoid me, and I don't hear from him for a few years. THIS IS WHERE YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST DECIDED THE FRIENDSHIP IS OVER, AND MOVED ON.
He does not renew his earlier offer of me coming up to meet him and/or his friends, etc. OF COURSE NOT. YOU WERE NO LONGER FRIENDS.
I later find out that he gets married by browsing his facebook randomly one day (he did not even have the courtesy to tell me that he was getting married -- I don't even care about not being invited, but not even telling me about it?) OF COURSE NOT, YOU WERE NO LONGER FRIENDS.
I wrote him over DM to congratulate him, but also to ask as nicely as possible why he did not tell me about it -- as that was actually kinda hurtful, to me -- and he writes back with a justification of something like "oh, we fell out of touch as friends, so I didn't think it mattered", etc. HE WAS CORRECT AND ONLY RESPONDED OUT OF COURTESY.
Fast forward to today. A while back, I experienced a serious, grave injury, and he writes me another DM on social media to wish that I get better soon, and to call him if I needed to talk. THIS WAS PROBABLY JUST A "HOPE YOU'RE WELL" THING. PEOPLE OFTEN SAY "IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO..." BUT THEY'RE JUST BEING NICE, THEY DON'T EXPECT YOU'LL TAKE THEM UP ON IT!
I am undergoing long-term recovery which takes months to bounce back from, so when I finally do have a chance to write him back over DM many months later, pretty much pouring my heart out about how harrowing and hard the experience was to deal with, I get nothing -- just radio silence. He is now completely ignoring me again, just as he did before, when he himself was the one who said I could reach out to him, if I needed to talk more about it. YOU MADE THE MISTAKE OF "POURING OUT YOUR HEART" TO SOMEONE WHO WAS NOT YOUR FRIEND AND DID NOT INTEND TO BE. HE'S AT BEST, AN ACQUAINTANCE AND FORMER FRIEND. YOU SCARED HIM AWAY BY ASSUMING MUCH MORE TO THE FRIENDSHIP THAN EXISTED.
My question is, what should I do? Let it go, forget about him (as he has obviously demonstrated that he is in truth not a good friend at all), and say nothing at all? Or write him over DM again to express my disappointment at his total ignore, and call him out on his hypocrisy and hard-heartedness? I am leaning towards the former option, but I must admit that it is also somewhat tempting to do the latter...thoughts? Anyway, sorry for writing so much & thanks in advance, for your advice!
Let it go and move on. you have enough to deal with now with your recovery and health. He's not a hypocrite or hard-hearted; he's just moved on after the uncomfortable end to your friendship which was YEARS ago. It's possible that if you came near death, you might be overly focused on the past, feeling things as very recent when they are really in the distant past. You can't expect him to relate. Just focus on getting better and on your CURRENT relationships.
Note: Caps not meant to be shouting, but to separate my responses from original text.
Then, he starts acting what I can only call very, very strange. Because I had had no or very few girlfriends over the years, he directly implies on multiple occasions that he thought I was either gay or asexual (neither one being true at all, as I am only romantically attracted to females). Eventually, I got really tired of his insulting insinuations, and called him out on it, and let him know that it is not nice to keep calling your friend of many years gay or asexual, especially when it is totally untrue. He then bashes and flames me in response over social media DM, angrily claiming he had never said that (also untrue). He stops calling me, goes out of his way to avoid me, and I don't hear from him for a few years. He does not renew his earlier offer of me coming up to meet him and/or his friends, etc. I later find out that he gets married by browsing his facebook randomly one day (he did not even have the courtesy to tell me that he was getting married -- I don't even care about not being invited, but not even telling me about it?) I wrote him over DM to congratulate him, but also to ask as nicely as possible why he did not tell me about it -- as that was actually kinda hurtful, to me -- and he writes back with a justification of something like "oh, we fell out of touch as friends, so I didn't think it mattered", etc.
Fast forward to today. A while back, I experienced a serious, grave injury, and he writes me another DM on social media to wish that I get better soon, and to call him if I needed to talk. I am undergoing long-term recovery which takes months to bounce back from, so when I finally do have a chance to write him back over DM many months later, pretty much pouring my heart out about how harrowing and hard the experience was to deal with, I get nothing -- just radio silence. He is now completely ignoring me again, just as he did before, when he himself was the one who said I could reach out to him, if I needed to talk more about it.
My question is, what should I do? Let it go, forget about him (as he has obviously demonstrated that he is in truth not a good friend at all), and say nothing at all? Or write him over DM again to express my disappointment at his total ignore, and call him out on his hypocrisy and hard-heartedness? I am leaning towards the former option, but I must admit that it is also somewhat tempting to do the latter...thoughts? Anyway, sorry for writing so much & thanks in advance, for your advice!
Maybe you shouldn't have ignored him for 'many months", like what, six months later you call to continue your whining with him when he originally reached out to you to offer his support...huh? I have a few 'friends' like you...who answer me only when they feel they need something...like a shoulder to whine on... you owe him an apology if nothing else. So...get over yourself and learn a lesson. You're no longer a priority to him. You shrugged him off, now it's his turn.
Koale
Social media is the worst way possible to keep in contact with anyone. It just gives a false sense of connection with others. It's a very passive way of communicating. Times to cut your losses & move on. I'm the sort of person that keep in touch with friends regularly in-person otherwise they get dropped to casual acquaintance status and only speak to them if I happen to run into them. People are never too busy for their true friends
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geez...
