The Do Not Resuscitate Talk (girlfriend, person, member, children)
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This is about relationships with the people that you can trust the most in your life.
My son just had a bad experience, making him jump into his car at night and drive 160 miles for a family medical emergency. It ended up OK in the end, but it gave us a really good opportunity to talk about what we each wanted in a possible end of life situation.
Anyone who might end up making the decision for you must know, very clearly, what your wishes are on the matter.
My personal feeling about it is that I don't want to live in a rest home, or live comatose, or live not remembering who I am or who the people are around me. On the other hand, if I have a good chance to get up and walk afterwards, bring on those cardiac paddles and hit me again. My son understands and I trust him to make that decision for me and not leave me to suffer because he lacks the courage to do it.
My ex has a horror of ending up in a rest home. He refuses to sign a Do Not Resuscitate. He's given a power of attorney to his girlfriend. My son says that in no way would the girlfriend be able to make that decision, so it will probably fall to my son, as the only close relative.
This is a horrible position to be in, for both parties, but it needs to be discussed. The end of life decision should be given to someone who can be trusted to do what you want and who won't keep you alive despite your wishes, because they can't face the end.
This is about relationships with the people that you can trust the most in your life.
My son just had a bad experience, making him jump into his car at night and drive 160 miles for a family medical emergency. It ended up OK in the end, but it gave us a really good opportunity to talk about what we each wanted in a possible end of life situation.
Anyone who might end up making the decision for you must know, very clearly, what your wishes are on the matter.
My personal feeling about it is that I don't want to live in a rest home, or live comatose, or live not remembering who I am or who the people are around me. On the other hand, if I have a good chance to get up and walk afterwards, bring on those cardiac paddles and hit me again. My son understands and I trust him to make that decision for me and not leave me to suffer because he lacks the courage to do it.
My ex has a horror of ending up in a rest home. He refuses to sign a Do Not Resuscitate. He's given a power of attorney to his girlfriend. My son says that in no way would the girlfriend be able to make that decision, so it will probably fall to my son, as the only close relative.
This is a horrible position to be in, for both parties, but it needs to be discussed. The end of life decision should be given to someone who can be trusted to do what you want and who won't keep you alive despite your wishes, because they can't face the end.
If your ex's GF has the POA for health care for your ex, than she will be the one to making the decisions not his/your son. If your ex wants his son to follow though on his stated wishes/decisions then he needs to change his POA to reflect who is in charge of making those decisions.
But, your ex needs to be honest with everyone. If he does not want to "live as a vegetable" (pardon my language) then he needs to state it in his POA. At least in my state, everything needs to listed, do you want a feeding tube, do you want hydration, do you want pain medication, do you want antibiotics, do you want to be a respirator, etc. etc.?
IMHO, It is not fair for your ex to tell his son verbally what he wants him to do, but not to have his wishes put into the legal document (POA).
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-02-2016 at 03:19 PM..
I agree it is a horrible position to be placed in. A parent should do better by his or her children, especially if there is more than one child and the possibility that they might disagree about what to do.
This is about relationships with the people that you can trust the most in your life.
Anyone who might end up making the decision for you must know, very clearly, what your wishes are on the matter.
My personal feeling about it is that I don't want to live in a rest home, or live comatose, or live not remembering who I am or who the people are around me. On the other hand, if I have a good chance to get up and walk afterwards, bring on those cardiac paddles and hit me again. My son understands and I trust him to make that decision for me and not leave me to suffer because he lacks the courage to do it.
My ex has a horror of ending up in a rest home. He refuses to sign a Do Not Resuscitate. He's given a power of attorney to his girlfriend. My son says that in no way would the girlfriend be able to make that decision, so it will probably fall to my son, as the only close relative.
This is a horrible position to be in, for both parties, but it needs to be discussed. The end of life decision should be given to someone who can be trusted to do what you want and who won't keep you alive despite your wishes, because they can't face the end.
If your ex has a horror of living in a rest home but refuses to sign a DNR, it increases his chances of living in a rest home. I'm just saying.
A general POA doesn't give a person authority to make health care decisions so the girlfriend might not have any authority to do anything. That's usually a separate document called a medical POA. There's also a physician's directive where a person can put in writing how they want end-of-life issues handled.
This doesn't have to be a grim, gruesome discussion. Everyone dies and there's no point in pretending it won't happen. If your ex doesn't make his wishes clear and your son ends up making a life-or-death decision, he'll just have to do what he thinks is best and not look back.
Since you have specific wishes, you should put them in writing. If you google "end of life decisions" and your state, you'll probably find forms and instructions for filling them out. That's better than trusting your son to do the right thing. One, he might not be present when the decision needs to be made and two, he might not have the courage to make it.
My mother's DNR is on her refrigerator door. And, just so it can't be missed, there is a note on her kitchen door directing EMTs to it. Her doctor has a copy, and so do I, as her medical proxy. It's a subject that our family has been very open about.
My mother's DNR is on her refrigerator door. And, just so it can't be missed, there is a note on her kitchen door directing EMTs to it. Her doctor has a copy, and so do I, as her medical proxy. It's a subject that our family has been very open about.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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I know as my mother gets older I'm going to have to have this convo with her. I'm 90% certain she wants a DNR because she would never want to be a burden to me (though she fails at that at times) and she is religious and believes in the afterlife and doesn't want an anchor on her holding her up from getting there.
I know as my mother gets older I'm going to have to have this convo with her. I'm 90% certain she wants a DNR because she would never want to be a burden to me (though she fails at that at times) and she is religious and believes in the afterlife and doesn't want an anchor on her holding her up from getting there.
It is a good idea to have the talk. I was totally wrong about what I thought my mom would want. After a lot of wrangling and a hospital visit, she got the paperwork done. I am so glad and relieved.
It is a good idea to have the talk. I was totally wrong about what I thought my mom would want. After a lot of wrangling and a hospital visit, she got the paperwork done. I am so glad and relieved.
I agree that it is important to actually discuss it. I have heard other adult children say that they thought that their parent/parents would want one thing and the parents actually wanted the total opposite thing.
Also, it is important for younger people, even in their 20s & 30s to have POA for healthcare. It is an easy form to fill out (once you figure what you want to happen in a worst case scenario) and it is valid indefinitely.
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