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As I said, I'm planning to relocate in a year or two, so obviously I'm giving up on them. Why stick around? I can't imagine what my niece's new husband and his family thinks knowing that her only "close" living relative is in the same small town, yet not invited to or welcome at any of her family's holiday gatherings. The times I've met up with or talked with him/them, we've gotten along just fine discussing light, superficial topics (I would never bring this up), but I would probably logically conclude that there was something rather spurious about that person! Not only is it hurtful and embarrassing, I feel it's probably been quite damaging to my reputation, as well.
Last edited by otterhere; 03-28-2016 at 04:55 PM..
You have been waiting for years for something to change that has been very clear for years was never going to change.
You allow others to control your life and emotions.
You have the ability to do other things on holidays yet you choose to stay home alone and blame someone else for your loneliness.
You state you don't take it personally yet in the same sentence you state it still hurts. If you didn't take it personally it wouldn't hurt and you would not still be allowing others to control your emotions.
Why is it the sister in laws fault you have been waiting for things to change?
Why is it your brothers fault you have been waiting for things to change?
For "years," I was taking care of my dear mother. For "years," I was in a long-term relationship and spending at least part of the holidays with HIS family. For "years," I had a circle of close friends with whom I would do things. In other words, for "years" I was not sitting around worrying about my rude SIL. Now my mother is gone, the relationship is over, and my friends have dispersed, and - just when I found myself alone - I had a hope there was a chance of mending this family rift (see: wedding). Now that I realize I was wrong, I will of course regroup (I just said I'm moving). But it's still disappointing.
The niece - something of an extrovert, unlike her mother - has been enveloped by her husband's big, friendly family. My SIL is having jealousy issues with that, from what I hear, feeling that they're "pushy" and "take over." For instance, the search for the gown should not have included the bride's future MIL, SIL, or friends; it should have been "just them." So, as I say, I don't take this personally (it's not me), but it still hurts. It's also very embarrassing. Every holiday, people ask what I did. Nothing; sat home alone. Don't you have a brother? Yes. Doesn't he have a family? Yes. Do they live far away? No. It makes me look like a big loser and social pariah, frankly. As my mother used to say, "People must wonder what's wrong with us!"
people ask me what I did for the holidays and I tell them I stayed home with my critters and watched marathons of my favorite shows and it was AWESOME!!
and yes, I do have a brother who has a family, but no longer have anything to do with him.....
and Easter yesterday?? I was on a long animal rescue transport!!
For "years," I was taking care of my dear mother. For "years," I was in a long-term relationship and spending at least part of the holidays with HIS family. For "years," I had a circle of close friends with whom I would do things. In other words, for "years" I was not sitting around worrying about my rude SIL. Now my mother is gone, the relationship is over, and my friends have dispersed, and - just when I found myself alone - I had a hope there was a chance of mending this family rift (see: wedding). Now that I realize I was wrong, I will of course regroup (I just said I'm moving). But it's still disappointing.
Is this really so hard to understand?
Apparently!
Something to consider: If you have no expectations you can never be hurt or disappointed.
For "years," I was taking care of my dear mother. For "years," I was in a long-term relationship and spending at least part of the holidays with HIS family. For "years," I had a circle of close friends with whom I would do things. In other words, for "years" I was not sitting around worrying about my rude SIL. Now my mother is gone, the relationship is over, and my friends have dispersed, and - just when I found myself alone - I had a hope there was a chance of mending this family rift (see: wedding). Now that I realize I was wrong, I will of course regroup (I just said I'm moving). But it's still disappointing.
Is this really so hard to understand?
Apparently!
Still sooooo defensive.
Are the effect of your attitude and your role in this situation really so hard to understand??
I hope things smooth out for you. You have been through a stressful time caring for your mom, then losing her. Holidays make that harder to bear. I hope time passes quickly for you and your new location brings you lots of happiness and new friends.
I am so sorry. And I do want to add that being an only child is not the reason for this execrable behavior - as an only child, my cousins ARE my family, and I do the bulk of reaching out to them (all live out of state). This is just a personality weakness, and a hurtful one.
The suggestion to make your own celebrations is a good one, although that can be very hard to do, when it seems like all the rest of the world is enjoying family gatherings. I run into this myself, and it is very painful - and meeting up with others can be tough, too, sometimes. But persevere. On Easter, I went to church, then went to the woods to see the spring wildflowers later on, having received very bad extended family news that morning. Seeing the wildflowers and being reminded of life's renewal helped...
Christmas is harder. Much harder. But do what you can, and I hope your friends will be a little more sensitive to the potential loneliness of a single person with little immediate family than are my own friends, all of whom seem to lack an extra chair at their holiday tables, though we socialize regularly all the rest of the year. For years, I visited out of town relatives, which sometimes happens and sometimes doesn't these days, something not under my control, so I think others assume that is still my practice. Christmas Day of 2014 was awful - I was barely over the flu and alone all day. I went out of town December 26 for a weeklong event, the prospect of which got me through December 25. Thank goodness I was with a cousin this past year...but it is hard, much harder than those who take families for granted realize, I think.
So, do consider finding your own joy in whatever way you can. Having a special event to attend immediately after the holidays is something I'd strongly recommend, especially if you will be with like-minded others then. Look into a cruise, a trip to a nearby vacation area, a workshop or college short term, or just take yourself on a short road-trip. Or, redecorate your house, teach yourself to cook some new dishes, take up water color or some other art or craft, musical instrument or piece of music, etc. Look for a charity which could use a helping hand AFTER the holidays (everyone advises loners to serve Christmas dinner at the Salvation Army -really, how many servers do they need that one day??).
I am sorry your SIL is such a pill, and has passed her pillish-ness down to her daughter. It's certainly their loss., but it should not also be your pain.
Are the effect of your attitude and your role in this situation really so hard to understand??
And you did say you were raised a lot like my SIL, eh? I'm not sure why you're so determined to blame me for the situation but, as I said in my original post, she announced to my brother that she would not consider us family BEFORE SHE MET US, so - whatever my failings in the attitude department, and I'm sure they are legion - they aren't the cause of this.
The rest of you, thanks for your responses. And I agree; low expectations are definitely the way to go!
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