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Well this is on you in regards to a coworker. Quit playing Dr. Phil at work, you're there to work not get deeply involved with personal issues of coworkers.
Really, really bad idea. For one thing this person can decide at some point they have "overshared", and now find you a threat because you know too much of their baggage.
A simple "I'm not comfortable discussing such personal issues with a coworker"....nip it in the bud, and don't see them outside of the office.
I understand about wanting to help people, because I have done that as well. But I have also learned to step back when I see repeated behavior when you have helped out in the past.
But when it comes to coworkers, don't get involved with their personal dramas.
I hear what you're saying. I expected this person to take care of himself once I gave him a push, but the opposite happened. I didn't realize just how needy and boundary-less he was. I am being too compassionate here and that is my problem in this.
You don't attract them, they troll the universe for anyone who will listen to them and put up with them and help them.
If they come by your desk to blab, one technique someone taught me was to give them something to do for you when they come by to chat, so that they won't want to come by anymore. "Oh, I'm glad you're here. I'm swamped. Would you please take these letters to the mailroom for me?" Then, look extremely busy. Picking up the phone works really well, after you give them something to do.
Try to be less available until they figure it out.
I'm going to have to do this. I know this person in question is going to feel like I'm abandoning them, but it's what has to happen. I just honestly thought that being there for this person in a small way would be enough, not open the floodgates.
I'm going to have to do this. I know this person in question is going to feel like I'm abandoning them, but it's what has to happen. I just honestly thought that being there for this person in a small way would be enough, not open the floodgates.
No More Snow gave you excellent advice.
Don't feel guilty, they will move on to someone else in the office.
I also attract these types of people. I'm dealing with one these days who recently gave me a sob story about how no one stays in his life for long, that people use him and leave, that he has no one to depend on, etc. All of which hits all my guilt buttons, ensuring I'll be available to him whenever he needs me, indefinitely. Sigh.
Are you sure this person is looking for advice? I've learned that sometimes they don't actually want solutions, they just want someone to nod, commiserate and agree that yes, their situation (or life) is awful. They don't want practical solutions, they just want validation.
I also attract these types of people. I'm dealing with one these days who recently gave me a sob story about how no one stays in his life for long, that people use him and leave, that he has no one to depend on, etc. All of which hits all my guilt buttons, ensuring I'll be available to him whenever he needs me, indefinitely. Sigh.
Are you sure this person is looking for advice? I've learned that sometimes they don't actually want solutions, they just want someone to nod, commiserate and agree that yes, their situation (or life) is awful. They don't want practical solutions, they just want validation.
I call them hypochondriacs in every way. They feel their life sucks and want everyone to know it.
I'm not using the term "needy" loosely here. I'm talking about people who are endless complainers, who feel powerless and who want ME to swoop into their lives and "make it better".
While I don't mind being there for someone, I am really starting to feel the drain associated with this type of person. If I offer someone advice, my expectation is that they're going to take it and run with it in order to help themselves, because that is what I would do. But what I find is that they take the advice, don't really act upon it, and then come back for more and more advice. Or more and more sympathy. Or more and more attention.
And I really don't want that in my life.
How do you build boundaries against this type of person?
I had an elderly woman in my life that should have been my mother, but when her husband died she depended on me for everything. I was painting her house, cleaning her gutters and balancing her check book. She was totally helpless as her husband did everything but clean the house and cook the meals.
I was happy to help her but it went on for two years and she grew more and more demanding and less and less grateful. She turned on my husband who helped her quite a bit as well. That was the deal breaker for me. I cut all ties with her and she passed a few years later.
I don't regret doing what I did for her. It was a way of paying her back for the salvation they gave me from a miserable childhood. I do regret how out of control it became towards the end of our friendship. When you have a long term relationship with someone that was wonderful for decades you can't just turn your back on them during their time of need. I reminded her about all of the nice things my husband did for her but she continued to complain about something so minor that I got up and walked out of her life forever. She never called to apologize so I never went back.
I met someone about three years ago that is ten years older then I am and quite ill. She was fun to be with in the beginning but over the last year she has become stubborn, narcissistic and needy. I don't feel comfortable kicking her to the curb because she has no one. Her son lives in California and wants nothing to do with her. I will help her but I have backed off quite a bit.
It's a difficult decision to not help someone who is needy, especially if you're a giver and not a taker. I think the key is knowing your priorities and setting boundaries accordingly. John is my priority and will always come first in my life.
Walking away from needy coworkers? Child's play. Walking away from someone you love who becomes toxic. Not so easy.
I had an elderly woman in my life that should have been my mother, but when her husband died she depended on me for everything. I was painting her house, cleaning her gutters and balancing her check book. She was totally helpless as her husband did everything but clean the house and cook the meals.
I was happy to help her but it went on for two years and she grew more and more demanding and less and less grateful. She turned on my husband who helped her quite a bit as well. That was the deal breaker for me. I cut all ties with her and she passed a few years later.
I don't regret doing what I did for her. It was a way of paying her back for the salvation they gave me from a miserable childhood. I do regret how out of control it became towards the end of our friendship. When you have a long term relationship with someone that was wonderful for decades you can't just turn your back on them during their time of need. I reminded her about all of the nice things my husband did for her but she continued to complain about something so minor that I got up and walked out of her life forever. She never called to apologize so I never went back.
I met someone about three years ago that is ten years older then I am and quite ill. She was fun to be with in the beginning but over the last year she has become stubborn, narcissistic and needy. I don't feel comfortable kicking her to the curb because she has no one. Her son lives in California and wants nothing to do with her. I will help her but I have backed off quite a bit.
It's a difficult decision to not help someone who is needy, especially if you're a giver and not a taker. I think the key is knowing your priorities and setting boundaries accordingly. John is my priority and will always come first in my life.
Walking away from needy coworkers? Child's play. Walking away from someone you love who becomes toxic. Not so easy.
The problem with helping someone like you mentioned is the first time you say "no" to something you're now the bad guy/gal.
It could be something minor like they ask you to take them to the store(a store you have driven them to a dozen times or more), but for some reason you can't do it this particular day, now you're a bum to them, forgetting how many times you did accommodate them.
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