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I'm not using the term "needy" loosely here. I'm talking about people who are endless complainers, who feel powerless and who want ME to swoop into their lives and "make it better".
While I don't mind being there for someone, I am really starting to feel the drain associated with this type of person. If I offer someone advice, my expectation is that they're going to take it and run with it in order to help themselves, because that is what I would do. But what I find is that they take the advice, don't really act upon it, and then come back for more and more advice. Or more and more sympathy. Or more and more attention.
And I really don't want that in my life.
How do you build boundaries against this type of person?
You haven't used the word "friend" in your whole post, only about this "person". In that case, you shouldn't have to listen to the repeated negativity. You gave good advice and they don't act upon it. What else are you expected to do? For a friend, I will listen to them vent because it makes them feel better and you want to be there for them, but even with friends there comes a point when you start feeling bad and down from listening. I think that you have done all you can for them by giving them good advice and listening but beyond that, what do they expect from you? Be polite and just say that you feel like they will be better served by someone closer to the situation.
I'm not using the term "needy" loosely here. I'm talking about people who are endless complainers, who feel powerless and who want ME to swoop into their lives and "make it better".
While I don't mind being there for someone, I am really starting to feel the drain associated with this type of person. If I offer someone advice, my expectation is that they're going to take it and run with it in order to help themselves, because that is what I would do. But what I find is that they take the advice, don't really act upon it, and then come back for more and more advice. Or more and more sympathy. Or more and more attention.
And I really don't want that in my life.
How do you build boundaries against this type of person?
I'm not using the term "needy" loosely here. I'm talking about people who are endless complainers, who feel powerless and who want ME to swoop into their lives and "make it better".
While I don't mind being there for someone, I am really starting to feel the drain associated with this type of person. If I offer someone advice, my expectation is that they're going to take it and run with it in order to help themselves, because that is what I would do. But what I find is that they take the advice, don't really act upon it, and then come back for more and more advice. Or more and more sympathy. Or more and more attention.
And I really don't want that in my life.
How do you build boundaries against this type of person?
Hey, stava.
Is this a repeating theme, or is there a specific person that's "all-too-present"? And is this person a neighbor, a work colleague, or something else? I'm hearing (or maybe inventing) a prior relationship that's gotten too close for comfort?
The tactics I might use change according to what the context of the relationship is, and also how the relationship started.
Cut her/him off as soon as the complaining/whining starts. Does this friend ever listen to YOU? Ever offer advice to YOU? That type that you've described usually doesn't. If someone is making you feel bad about anything, it's time to ease that one of your life.Who needs a "friend" who make you feel bad? There are enough events and other things that make us feel bad. That's not what a friend is for. Some people talk about their problems for a little while and then move on to talk about other things. But the type that you describe is different.
Stop being a free shrink..or a free counselor. You're dealing with an emotional vampire.
This post was triggered by a specific person who happens to be a coworker. But yes, it is a general theme in my life. Ever since I was a child. I was there to "understand" and "listen" and "fix". This was the role that was expected of me in my family because neither of my parents would take responsibility for raising me or my siblings. I am the oldest.
So, I got into the mode of "I have to fix this" because if I didn't, no one was going to and things would get ugly quickly.
I used to like helping people in this way. But I am starting to feel like a free counselor and I really don't like it. I feel like my life force is being leeched out of me, seriously.
I call such people the Undead. They go after humans as a source of sustenance, what I call "dinner." We've all encountered them. They aren't attracted to me any more because I set boundaries, ergo am not dinner, ergo they move on to other humans (victims) or attack other Undead.
The Undead fall into three basic categories:
Vampires suck the life out of everyone around them. They are bottomless wells of need. They don't care about you and your problems. Humans are to be suckled, end of story.
Ghouls "work the streets" via loud, obnoxious behaviors trying to "find an angle" (aka a grift). Ghouls prey upon humans, and the other Undead when they can. They are slightly comical, until you figure out they're serious. By far the hardest kind of Undead to keep away from. Can be dangerous to humans, too. Cops have a field day with Ghouls, 80% or more of their "contacts" day-to-day.
Zombies shamble around not really listening to anyone or anything, in their own delusional world with no goals, no hope, no nothing. Less than worthless, but won't pursue if you keep clear of them because that would take resourcefulness, planning, and energy. Zombies usually can't plan beyond their next dinner. Vagrants and winos are usually either Zombies or Ghouls, more often the former than latter.
A friend of mine seems to attract men who are Vampires and Ghouls as boyfriend material. I've encouraged her to spot such creatures and simply nod, smile, then never contact them again. Turn the tables. She's learning. I can spot people working me a mile away. Since I'm indifferent and can't be grifted, it really doesn't bother me to toy with them, then leave after awhile.
To the above:
- (with hat tip to Bram Stoker): don't invite Vampires in!
- Don't spend time in places where the Undead congregate (dirty streets, bars, 7-11s, other haunts)
- Once in your home (or life), they're hard to remove. That's by design.
- Fight back either actively or passively, sooner the better.
- As-mentioned, be determined not to be dinner.
You could be attracting these people because it somehow makes you feel like you are doing something good for someone and that makes you feel important. Ask yourself if you secretly like being the one that can help. I say this because that was how I was. Once I realized that helping people was one thing but always being there for people is quite another. You're right, it is draining.
Next, put up boundaries. Don't answer texts right away, don't return calls. This will create a separation between you and the person. They will learn that they cannot depend on you all the time.
You may start to miss the constant attention but start looking for people that have it together and don't always need to be saved. You may just find your life a little bit more fulfilling for you.
This post was triggered by a specific person who happens to be a coworker. But yes, it is a general theme in my life. Ever since I was a child. I was there to "understand" and "listen" and "fix". This was the role that was expected of me in my family because neither of my parents would take responsibility for raising me or my siblings. I am the oldest.
So, I got into the mode of "I have to fix this" because if I didn't, no one was going to and things would get ugly quickly.
I used to like helping people in this way. But I am starting to feel like a free counselor and I really don't like it. I feel like my life force is being leeched out of me, seriously.
Well this is on you in regards to a coworker. Quit playing Dr. Phil at work, you're there to work not get deeply involved with personal issues of coworkers.
Really, really bad idea. For one thing this person can decide at some point they have "overshared", and now find you a threat because you know too much of their baggage.
A simple "I'm not comfortable discussing such personal issues with a coworker"....nip it in the bud, and don't see them outside of the office.
I understand about wanting to help people, because I have done that as well. But I have also learned to step back when I see repeated behavior when you have helped out in the past.
But when it comes to coworkers, don't get involved with their personal dramas.
You don't attract them, they troll the universe for anyone who will listen to them and put up with them and help them.
If they come by your desk to blab, one technique someone taught me was to give them something to do for you when they come by to chat, so that they won't want to come by anymore. "Oh, I'm glad you're here. I'm swamped. Would you please take these letters to the mailroom for me?" Then, look extremely busy. Picking up the phone works really well, after you give them something to do.
Try to be less available until they figure it out.
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