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Ask her if she wants to get together and give her a week's notice. Instead of "do you want to hag out later today?" ask, "do you want to get together next weekend?" Ask her if she'd like to go for a walk or grab a cup of coffee. Let her pick the time as she will have to deal with either her husband's schedule or nap time.
When I was younger and my friends started having kids we just included the kids in our plans. I loved it. The "family" grew and we grew to love the kids as well as our friends. In some instances I've spent more time with the kids then I did with the parents.
Kids aren't pariahs dear one. They're a tremendous joy if you open your heart to them and embrace them. Priorities change and rightfully so when kids come into the picture. You either have to adapt or find single friends with like minds.
I chose to adapt and now I have grown shorties of my grown shorties in my life as well. It's been an amazing journey full of joy. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.
When I was younger and my friends started having kids we just included the kids in our plans. I loved it. The "family" grew and we grew to love the kids as well as our friends. In some instances I've spent more time with the kids then I did with the parents.
Kids aren't pariahs dear one. They're a tremendous joy if you open your heart to them and embrace them. Priorities change and rightfully so when kids come into the picture. You either have to adapt or find single friends with like minds.
I chose to adapt and now I have grown shorties of my grown shorties in my life as well. It's been an amazing journey full of joy. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.
but i'm not excluding her kids that's the thing. i always welcome them. but maybe i'm not doing a good enough job of making that clear?
Fact of life. Single people generally tend to hang out with single people. Childless couples tend to hang out with other childless couples. Couples with kids tend to hang out with other couples with kids. That's the way the world works. Get used to it.
Fact of life. Single people generally tend to hang out with single people. Childless couples tend to hang out with other childless couples. Couples with kids tend to hang out with other couples with kids. That's the way the world works. Get used to it.
and that's totally fine. but first i want to make sure that i did all i could to keep the friendship intact. that's all. i would hate for the friendship to fall apart and have some kind of feeling that i didn't do enough.
if it's naturally going to crumble then fine but i at least need to know i tried. i care about these people.
I find people fall into two categories. People who have kids and devote 110% of themselves to the craft and then there are people who have kids, but are able to compartmentalize their life to include friends. Usually I have found veteran parents (those with more than one child) able to juggle friends and kids way better than first time parents. I have also found parents who completely sever relationships with the childfree for reasons I can't explain (jealousy? feelings of missing a common bond?)
Its almost akin to some middle school friendships when a few friend comes into the picture. Some will welcome her into the group. Others are kicked out and forgotten.
ugh, do you think? is it normal that that kind of happens?
Yes, absolutely. Time for new friends - ones who are closer to who you are.
The gulf between you and your friends with kids will become greater as time goes on. There’s nothing to do about it. It just is what it is.
You have much less in common now and are in a completely different space. It’s not personal. Even when they do have free time, they are probably spending it with people who have a better sense of what their lives are like (i.e. those who have kids). Your world is different, your experiences are different, your perspective is different.
That said, I bet they’d really like to see you sans kid – it would remind them of who they were before the poop, snot, and vomit. Give them notice, be flexible and understanding, let them know you aren’t looking to do anything crazy. Or maybe offer to meet at a park so they can bring the smelly little grub. But don’t expect a relationship that is similar to before.
I kept few friends after I had my son. I couldn't do things at the drop of a dime. To be honest If I was to get free time I was too tired to use it to have to go somewhere. Now you could try saying would you like to get a pedicure NEXT WEEKEND see if she has time. Her spouse might be home.
My close friends were able to accommodate me. They would come over and hang with me. My best friend would come over and help not baby sit but you know assist you so it was us time but I think she was just checking on my well being. By the time the kids are school age time will free up.
Vague isn't helpful for a lot of busy parents. Their time is precious, and they need to know up front whether or not something social is going to be worth their while.
Wow, this may be an unpopular opinion, but I think it's fair to say that just because you have taken upon yourself the status of 'busy parent' it does not necessarily make your time any more precious or worthwhile than anyone else's. Nor does this give you carte blanche to make excuses to ignore or neglect any existing time commitments you've already make.
We all have individual commitments and things that occupy our time. For people with children, they choose to occupy their time with childcare-related commitments, while others may have different activities that occupy their time. This does not necessarily mean that the busy parent's schedule is any more meaningful or significant. If I make a commitment to meet someone at a certain time and don't show up or arrive extremely late, the action is de-facto rude regardless of whether I have small children at home or not.
i guess i thought the vague text would leave things open for her to say something like "i am swamped but if you want to stop by you can" or "i'm not up for xyz, but we could do something else" or "i can't tonight but let's make definite plans for next weekend".... i'm not getting any of that, i'm just getting "i can't" with no feeling of "i know we haven't seen each other in a while" kind of thing.
but i definitely understand your point. i guess i can just change my approach, hopefully that works.
but are they initiating or are you? just curious if you invite yourself over or not. i guess i feel weird trying to make plans with her and her husband at her house. i feel like i'm imposing.
It is good that you (at least in your mind) are including the kids. However, it might be stressful and not much fun for her to try to catch up with you while also trying to deal with small children. I forgot if you said how old they are. They will not leave you alone to chat no matter where you are. It's good to include that as an option, but not the only option.
Let her know that you miss her and want to catch up. Ask what works best for her. Ask if you can meet for lunch when her husband is home, or if you can accompany her to the park with the kids. If she has a young baby, offer to take a meal to her at home, then stay and visit. Any or all of these might not be possible, but there's no way to know which ones without putting all of them out there. She also might just be really overwhelmed, or possibly even depressed. The thought of "one more thing" even if it is out of the house, away from the kids, might just be more than she can deal with.
ETA - just saw that the kids are 3 and a new baby. She's overwhelmed. She also might not be able to leave the baby, if she's breast feeding. She might not be comfortable breast feeding in public. She might even be embarrassed to have you see her house in disarray. With kids that age, offering to stop by with food is probably the best option. If you can swing it, bringing lunch while her husband is at work might be best. Then you can talk, you can eat, too, and you can be an extra set of hands to hold one kid when the other needs her.
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that's the thing. i always welcome them. but maybe i'm not doing a good enough job of making that clear?
