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Age has given us our privacy. I'm 38, but the youngest neighbors we have are mid 50's. We currently have a toddler, they all have high school and college age kids.
My wife is 30, far closer to their children's age then the other homeowners.
So, we don't get asked to come over for dinner parties, or nights out. We're in very different places in our lives. Now, we're still cordial with all of them, we say hi when we're getting the mail at the same time, wave when we see them coming/going, but that's about it.
I don't see how wanting to establish healthy boundaries based on my previous experiences is me creating my own drama, but hey if you see it that way then that's your prerogative.
It's creating your own drama because you are knowingly moving into a place that you dislike something about and assuming that the people who were already there are the problem. When you move to a place, you accept the place as it is, you don't demand that the people already there change for you.
And, BTW, being willing to wave at someone or say hi in passing is not friendly, it's just basic politeness.
I live on the eastern shore of MD. There's a lot of poultry farming, regular farming, and watermen here. The poultry farms and other farms smell sometimes. The watermen start their work before dawn with dredging, which is noisy. Yet people from Baltimore insist on buying 2nd/vacation/retirement homes here because property is cheap. And then they complain, and sometimes even sue, the farmers and watermen who were already here because they don't like how the poultry farm that they moved next door to affects their property, or they bought waterfront and want the watermen not to work in the pre-dawn hours. We have a word for these people - Baltimorons.
If you don't like the neighborhood, don't move into. If you do move into it, then learn to accept your neighborhood, rather than think that your neighbors are the problem. Your choice to move to a place that you don't like is the problem.
BTW, you mention having problems with other neighbors at other places, and now you are preparing for problems were you are moving to. There is a common denominator here- you.
[quote=sunshinelove0000;43713909]I do think part of the problem is us being too nice. Over the years people have taken advantage of us (friendships, ex-boyfriend/girlfriends, family, etc) and I attribute it to our good hearts (see people of city-data.. we aren't the cold hearted jerks you're making us out to be because we want privacy lol).
I think that because I try to see the good in people I often justify crazy behavior at first (for example a former crazy neighbor was dealing with her boyfriend having cancer so i justified her pushiness as being lonely, and another crazy neighbor had infertility issues so i justified her crazy interest in mine and my kids lives as a way for her to fill that void). But I realize, in hindsight, that I was allowing these people to make me uncomfortable and manipulate in many ways. I have been working on boundaries. It is hard because I am sick a lot and so often I just don't feel like arguing or even talking much. And that is where much of the problem would lie. I would, stupidly, allow the person to push my comfort zone boundary and intrude into my life and then once it got annoying I'd try to push back and say I don't want you stopping by everyday (or something along those lines), and the person wound up feeling hurt and in turn acted more crazy. But now that we plan to live at this new place for a long time I don't want to make the same mistakes. That's why i feel like keeping the neighbors at a certain distance (figuratively and literally) away will help establish the type of healthy boundary.
And thank you, I hope so too. Praying the neighbors are normal. Or if they see me turning down invites they don't take it personally... but, time will tell [/QUOTE]
I think you're looking for a situation that hasn't even shown to be a reality.
No offense, but you said you have health issues and causes mobility problems for you. In this day and age when people keep more to themselves, some of these neighbors may not even offer any invites if they see that you have difficulty moving.
I'm sorry for your health issues, but I really don't think people will bombarding you with invites, one reason will be they don't want to get too involved with someone who may need favors later on. You're worried they're going to be bothering you, ever occur to you they may be polite but distant due to the fact that if they got too chummy you might needs rides to the store or a Dr. appt?
Very simple you wave and say hello, maybe introduce yourselves and that's it.
Sounds like in the past you also played a role in getting too involved too quickly and too much information sharing of a very personal nature.
It's creating your own drama because you are knowingly moving into a place that you dislike something about and assuming that the people who were already there are the problem. When you move to a place, you accept the place as it is, you don't demand that the people already there change for you.
And, BTW, being willing to wave at someone or say hi in passing is not friendly, it's just basic politeness.
I live on the eastern shore of MD. There's a lot of poultry farming, regular farming, and watermen here. The poultry farms and other farms smell sometimes. The watermen start their work before dawn with dredging, which is noisy. Yet people from Baltimore insist on buying 2nd/vacation/retirement homes here because property is cheap. And then they complain, and sometimes even sue, the farmers and watermen who were already here because they don't like how the poultry farm that they moved next door to affects their property, or they bought waterfront and want the watermen not to work in the pre-dawn hours. We have a word for these people - Baltimorons.
If you don't like the neighborhood, don't move into. If you do move into it, then learn to accept your neighborhood, rather than think that your neighbors are the problem. Your choice to move to a place that you don't like is the problem.
BTW, you mention having problems with other neighbors at other places, and now you are preparing for problems were you are moving to. There is a common denominator here- you.
I'm not following you. I am not creating my own drama. I am moving somewhere in an ideal location- safe neighborhood, good proximity to dh's job, access to good medical care, good schools, I could go on. Sorry but our budget and necessities don't give us the freedom to pick and choose where we move. I am trying to make the best of the situation and asking for advice on how I can best be prepared to handle anything that comes up. I'm not demanding people change. If they're going to be pushy and want us to be besties, that's all fine and well but it's not going to happen. I am being proactive by realizing this neighborhood likely isn't the best location in the world but given our budget and circumstances it's the best we are going to get and I want to make the best of everything.
I can see why you'd think the common denominator is me, but I respectfully disagree. I do think that to a certain degree I led people on by being passive aggressive and I take ownership for that. However the pushiness by those previous neighbors was all on them, and it started from the get-go. I let my boundaries down by listening to their sob stories, or because I felt bad for them... However when I started to be assertive (No, you can't let your child come over whenever you want a babysitter) or had a legitimate excuse/reason why I didn't want to talk to my neighbor (I am too sick, not feeling well, etc) I would be met with a barrage of personal questions. These people just didn't get it. One of my crazy neighbors actually texted me saying, "I feel like we are drifting apart" because I told her she couldn't pop by at 1am when I had a newborn. I did call the cops on her once after that (long story) and she started to send me threatening text messages. Eventually we moved but on moving day my husband was chatting with another person in the neighborhood (see? we aren't completely standoffish) who said the crazy neighbor did the SAME thing to his wife!
So yes, I did play a role in letting these people on. But I don't think (with our current neighbor situation) I deserve to get a phone call every few days asking when I can hang out. I ignore the calls. Have said numerous times due to my health I cannot/don't want to attend gatherings and yet I am met with a "but you'd only be coming across the street.." It's like these crazy people just don't understand! This one woman is particularly butt hurt because all the others in the neighborhood come over and let her meddle in their affairs. We are private people but stupid me let my guard down and we answered the door a few times and that was all it took. Next thing you know she looked our phone number up and started calling us. I don't see how us answering our door makes us bad people. We just seem to attract crazies!
I do think part of the problem is us being too nice. Over the years people have taken advantage of us (friendships, ex-boyfriend/girlfriends, family, etc) and I attribute it to our good hearts (see people of city-data.. we aren't the cold hearted jerks you're making us out to be because we want privacy lol).
I think that because I try to see the good in people I often justify crazy behavior at first (for example a former crazy neighbor was dealing with her boyfriend having cancer so i justified her pushiness as being lonely, and another crazy neighbor had infertility issues so i justified her crazy interest in mine and my kids lives as a way for her to fill that void). But I realize, in hindsight, that I was allowing these people to make me uncomfortable and manipulate in many ways. I have been working on boundaries. It is hard because I am sick a lot and so often I just don't feel like arguing or even talking much. And that is where much of the problem would lie. I would, stupidly, allow the person to push my comfort zone boundary and intrude into my life and then once it got annoying I'd try to push back and say I don't want you stopping by everyday (or something along those lines), and the person wound up feeling hurt and in turn acted more crazy. But now that we plan to live at this new place for a long time I don't want to make the same mistakes. That's why i feel like keeping the neighbors at a certain distance (figuratively and literally) away will help establish the type of healthy boundary.
And thank you, I hope so too. Praying the neighbors are normal. Or if they see me turning down invites they don't take it personally... but, time will tell [/QUOTE]
I think you're looking for a situation that hasn't even shown to be a reality.
No offense, but you said you have health issues and causes mobility problems for you. In this day and age when people keep more to themselves, some of these neighbors may not even offer any invites if they see that you have difficulty moving.
I'm sorry for your health issues, but I really don't think people will bombarding you with invites, one reason will be they don't want to get too involved with someone who may need favors later on. You're worried they're going to be bothering you, ever occur to you they may be polite but distant due to the fact that if they got too chummy you might needs rides to the store or a Dr. appt?
Very simple you wave and say hello, maybe introduce yourselves and that's it.
Sounds like in the past you also played a role in getting too involved too quickly and too much information sharing of a very personal nature.
I do agree with you on certain things... see my above response to TLS1
I can see why you'd think the common denominator is me, but I respectfully disagree. I do think that to a certain degree I led people on by being passive aggressive and I take ownership for that.
Please stop using this term. It doesn't mean what you think it means.
What you are trying to say is that you've been a pushover in the past and that has encouraged other people to be their version of "friendly neighbors."
Quote:
One of my crazy neighbors actually texted me saying, "I feel like we are drifting apart" because I told her she couldn't pop by at 1am when I had a newborn.
How did she get your phone number? You gave it to her, right?
None of our neighbors have my phone number. And we've lived here 21 years and are on generally good terms with most of them.
I don't answer my phone if I don't know who's calling.
Quote:
Eventually we moved but on moving day my husband was chatting with another person in the neighborhood (see? we aren't completely standoffish) who said the crazy neighbor did the SAME thing to his wife!
You mean, called the number his wife gave to the neighbor?
Quote:
We are private people but stupid me let my guard down and we answered the door a few times and that was all it took.
Front door cam. Look into it.
Quote:
Next thing you know she looked our phone number up and started calling us.
How did she know your last name? Our neighbors only know us by first names.
Quote:
I don't see how us answering our door makes us bad people. We just seem to attract crazies!
You see why I have a bit of trouble believing all this.
Please stop using this term. It doesn't mean what you think it means.
What you are trying to say is that you've been a pushover in the past and that has encouraged other people to be their version of "friendly neighbors."
Well, I technically have been passive aggressive. Merriam-Webster defines Passive Aggressive as: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness)
I would initial be cordial, and then once the neighbor took my politeness to mean that I wanted to be besties I simply stopped showing interest, would purposely "forget" to call them, etc, which is the definition of passive aggressive...
How did she get your phone number? You gave it to her, right? it's a long story but yes I did but it was given on the pretense of "if there is an emergency like the one we just had" type circumstance. never again do I make that mistake
None of our neighbors have my phone number. And we've lived here 21 years and are on generally good terms with most of them.
I don't answer my phone if I don't know who's calling.
You mean, called the number his wife gave to the neighbor?
No, I mean the crazy behavior as in wanting to hang out all the time, inviting herself over the house, and then playing the victim when the psycho behavior was out of control and she was called out for it
Front door cam. Look into it. will be doing that for sure! i've been buggin dh about needing some type of security system
How did she know your last name? Our neighbors only know us by first names.
She got our mail accidentally and returned it to us, acknowledging she knew someone with the same last name
You see why I have a bit of trouble believing all this.
No. I don't. Perhaps you've never dealt with people like that or maybe you aren't as empathetic as I can be, which I admit has gotten me into trouble because I give an inch and people take a mile. I'm done being nice and then being made to feel bad when I instill boundaries.
People that truly do not want to engage with others don't have to figure out strategies.
My suggestion to the OP would be to flip the bird to every neighbor - kids and adults alike - every time they make face contact. That's one way to ensure that everyone will leave the OP the hell alone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshinelove0000
Yes, making it a point to acknowledge that you saw I was home after I blatantly turned down an invitation, and then continue to try and talk to me is behavior of a stalker, and well really more of a manipulator. I have always unfortunately lived near lonely people that don't have enough going on in their own lives that they must know what's going on in mine.
Oh, my God. Get over yourself. Please.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshinelove0000
I do think part of the problem is us being too nice.
Hmmmm ... I don't think I'd worry about that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TLS1
BTW, you mention having problems with other neighbors at other places, and now you are preparing for problems were you are moving to. There is a common denominator here- you.
Yep.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshinelove0000
If they're going to be pushy and want us to be besties, that's all fine and well but it's not going to happen. I am being proactive by realizing this neighborhood likely isn't the best location in the world but given our budget and circumstances it's the best we are going to get and I want to make the best of everything.
Hey, there's another way to ensure that people will leave you alone. Tell them that their neighborhood and the neighbors themselves aren't up to your lofty standards. Tell them you had to settle for this neighborhood. That will work like a charm.
Location: Living near our Nation's Capitol since 2010
2,218 posts, read 3,452,784 times
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Thank god you are not my neighbor.
I live in a very nice community. I wave to my next door neighbor, to the folks across the street, etc. But I sure would hate to think that they dreaded me even saying "hI" which is how the OP comes off.
We don't "neighbor" much in my community, but it sure sounds to me as if the Welcome Mat is NOT out here.
My suggestion to the OP would be to flip the bird to every neighbor - kids and adults alike - every time they make face contact. That's one way to ensure that everyone will leave the OP the hell alone.
thank you for the snark. so helpful. you must not have read through my replies, as I am becoming a broken record. I don't mind being friendly or even a once in a blue moon knock on the door. I'm talking about neighbors who assume I want to be their best friend.
Oh, my God. Get over yourself. Please. you've obviously never dealt with feeling like you are being watched 24/7 or barraged by incessant texts where a person questions why you left the house or why you stayed home or why you do anything. I really hope you never deal with a psychotic neighbor like that. i wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
Hmmmm ... I don't think I'd worry about that.
Yep.
Hey, there's another way to ensure that people will leave you alone. Tell them that their neighborhood and the neighbors themselves aren't up to your lofty standards. Tell them you had to settle for this neighborhood. That will work like a charm.
You must enjoy being snarky because your input has added no value to the conversation. Constructive criticism is something I am more than open to hearing, as I have readily admitted in other comments (again sounding like a broken record here!! ) that I was part of the problem by letting my guard down and that I am working on that. But I don't see how wanting to have privacy and my own land (no nearby neighbors) but settling for more of a close-knit neighborhood setting is wrong? We all have different preferences. Some people prefer to be in constant contact with their neighbors. I do not. My post was looking for advice on how to get off on the right foot by being friendly but not making the same mistakes of people mistaking my kindness as an opportunity to walk all over me and my family. If your suggestion is truly that I flip off people and tell people that they aren't up to my "standards" then you're either trolling or must be delusional if that's your piece of "advice"
To those who have offered legitimate suggestions, and given me some great tactics to fall back on, I thank you.
Last edited by sunshinelove0000; 04-14-2016 at 09:09 PM..
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[/QUOTE]
It's like these crazy people just don't understand! This one woman is particularly butt hurt because all the others in the neighborhood come over and let her meddle in their affairs. We are private people but stupid me let my guard down and we answered the door a few times and that was all it took. Next thing you know she looked our phone number up and started calling us. I don't see how us answering our door makes us bad people. We just seem to attract crazies! 
thank you for the snark. so helpful. you must not have read through my replies, as I am becoming a broken record. I don't mind being friendly or even a once in a blue moon knock on the door. I'm talking about neighbors who assume I want to be their best friend. 
You must enjoy being snarky because your input has added no value to the conversation. Constructive criticism is something I am more than open to hearing, as I have readily admitted in other comments (again sounding like a broken record here!! 
) that I was part of the problem by letting my guard down and that I am working on that. But I don't see how wanting to have privacy and my own land (no nearby neighbors) but settling for more of a close-knit neighborhood setting is wrong? We all have different preferences. Some people prefer to be in constant contact with their neighbors. I do not. My post was looking for advice on how to get off on the right foot by being friendly but not making the same mistakes of people mistaking my kindness as an opportunity to walk all over me and my family. If your suggestion is truly that I flip off people and tell people that they aren't up to my "standards" then you're either trolling or must be delusional if that's your piece of "advice" 
