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I know these people mean well but I'm not interested in making friends at work. I'm just there to do my job and that's it. I'm not saying I act anti-social. I still talk to my co-workers about gerenal stuff, joke around, But, I don't like to talk about my love life and stuff of that nature. It annoys me so much that sometimes I resort to ignoring some of them when they asks. They're even couple of ladies from work who periodically ask me when I'm getting married?
Furthermore, I like to keep my personal life private and don't like to discuss it with colleagues or people I hardly know. Anyone else feels the same way?
In my experience with co-irkers, they come from small lives. You represent the outer world, to some extent. They like to live vicariously by hearing your weekend plans, love life, family problems, etc. More intelligent, well-rounded individuals will be curious about your ideas and outlook; not where you buy your shoes and whether you're engaged.
You're smart to keep the two spheres of your life well separated. Don't be tempted to "share" with the busybodies; the info will be used against you down the line. Repeat after me: coworkers are not friends.
People generally like to share information with people they consider friends -- and many people make lasting friendships with co-workers. That's more then norm than people who show up, do their job, and leave, all without making personal connections.
You're not being persecuted. If you don't want to share personal details, just say so in as friendly a manner as you can muster. No need to be rude.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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I completely agree. If you work in a conservative industry like banking, the personal life questions will be particularily bad. My coworkers think I'm weird because I'm late 20s and not in a relationship and no kids.
I know these people mean well but I'm not interested in making friends at work. I'm just there to do my job and that's it. I'm not saying I act anti-social. I still talk to my co-workers about gerenal stuff, joke around, But, I don't like to talk about my love life and stuff of that nature. It annoys me so much that sometimes I resort to ignoring some of them when they asks. They're even couple of ladies from work who periodically ask me when I'm getting married?
Furthermore, I like to keep my personal life private and don't like to discuss it with colleagues or people I hardly know. Anyone else feels the same way?
Yep. I've found that a pleasantly bland deflection of whatever's been asked, and asking them the same question, reveals that they really wanted to talk about themselves all along, on that topic--all I had to do was notice, and agree on trivial things. Works like a charm.
Someone who is interested in getting to know you may feel that as a rejection once they catch on to the pattern--and that can be handled by simple random acts of kindness that cost nothing or nearly nothing: bless them when they sneeze, mention you're getting something from the cafeteria and do they want anything, bring them their printouts or interoffice mail if you happen to be in the right place at the right time. That maintains privacy while communicating friendliness--and you can always make that explicit later, if you have to. Just be aware that saying the words won't ever be undone. You don't know when you might actually need someone to have your back, so don't estrange potential allies!
I knew a person whose first chat with me was about whether I'd been hired, and what my compensation package was. Met with the pleasant deflection. She initiated the second chat by claiming she tells me a lot and I don't tell her anything. Met this with bland deflection--hey, I'm dealing with my life, I'm not really aware of any of these things you want to talk about, sorry about that, shrug, rueful smile. (Pleasant nonverbal language is a huge help with this kind of thing.) She initiated the third(!) chat by making some fairly negative statements about a teammate and claiming she'd gone to his manager to complain he was incompetent.
See a pattern here? This person is toxic. No reasonable person with any job experience at all is so dumb they hunt for, and then demand, protected, sensitive info--or give it away. Whether she's faking or telling the truth, there is no way I will ever "give" her anything. Including an excuse to talk smack about me. She'll do it anyway--but she will never, ever do it from data. And that much will be obvious--and if necessary, made obvious--to the people who matter.
I've never worked anywhere, where co-workers pry into each other's personal lives, or where anyone shares anything personal, unless they have kids and talk about what their kids are doing, or something. I'd thought that most people have enough sense not to be nosy like that, but apparently not...?
People generally like to share information with people they consider friends -- and many people make lasting friendships with co-workers. That's more then norm than people who show up, do their job, and leave, all without making personal connections.
You're not being persecuted. If you don't want to share personal details, just say so in as friendly a manner as you can muster. No need to be rude.
What's rude is being asked personal questions at work. And I don't find that most people make long lasting friendships at work, I only had one person I considered a good friend and still saw them after I left the job.'
Most people change jobs and don't keep in contact with former coworkers. It's not that you disliked them, it's just the way it is. You work together, may go out to lunch, may even go out once in a awhile outside of work, but once you leave that's pretty much it.
It's work, you're not there to socialize. I have always found it better to keep work separate from your social life.
Sounds like the OP has already tried to be polite, there are people who don't get the hint. This isn't a one time incident, but an ongoing problem.
I'm not particularly secretive with co-workers but I do NOT like people I barely know to ask personal questions. I have no trouble whatsoever deflecting them. First time they ask a question I find inappropriate, I just look at them as if they suddenly started speaking another language. I act as if I don't understand a word they're saying and I just don't reply at all. That usually throws them off balance and they change the subject because they don't want to appear awkward.
If they persist, instead of answering I say, "Why do you need to know that?" They can rarely answer that question. If they stammer an answer such as, "I'm just trying to get to know you," my reply will be, "Well, now you know I don't discuss things like that."
For some, it's a way to bond.
I do not think it's good to get too personal in a professional setting.
However, I did notice that once certain consultants became facebook friends, our working relationships became a lot smoother and more efficient. Less antagonistic. It's like suddenly everyone was reminded that the others were actual people with families and interests and just...human. Like that weird moment you saw your history teacher at the movies or something.
There's no right or wrong answer to this, and how much someone is willing to share depends on the individual and work environment.
At my previous job, a lot of us had similar interests outside of work and were of mostly similar backgrounds. We all got along well. While I don't know the intimate details of their personal lives, we've gotten together after work, helped each other move, and gone to baseball games/beer festivals together. There was never any drama or problems.
At my current job, I just don't have as much in common with coworkers. They're all married with kids - I'm single with no kids. Most are considerably older than I am. While I don't mind small talk about my personal life, I don't know these people well enough to let them in close personally and we just don't have much in common anyway.
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