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I think you tainted the pool of responses by mentioning your cousin gambles.
Had you left that out, we could have focused on a possible misunderstanding or poor communication and how to fix that but now everybody's going to say, "Heck no! You shouldn't give a gambler money!"
Which is beside the point...
At any rate, you have nothing to lose by trying to re-establish communication with your cousin. Obviously I would not bring up the gambling. If she says you were being judgmental in denying the loan, face up to it: You were.
I mentioned this because it was the most important reason I declined to loan her the money. I didn't want people thinking perhaps her financial problems were due to medical problems or job loss, and that I just didn't care enough to help her. I thought it was an important piece of information for people to answer my question about if I did anything wrong.
In general, if someone gets mad at you and cuts you out of their life, do you permanently leave it that way? Would you ever reach out and try to repair things, even if you did absolutely nothing wrong?
I'm curious about this in general terms, as well as in my own specific situation:
Almost 2 years ago, a close lifelong friend (who happens to be my cousin) wanted to borrow a substantial amount of money. I told her I would need to think about it and call her back. A day or two later, after consulting with my husband, I told her we felt that loaning her the money "wouldn't be the right thing to do." That is how I worded it, because saying that we "couldn't" was not true (and she knew it). Believe me when I say I had valid reasons to say no, primarily that the loan was to help her out of a jam due to her gambling addiction. So I'm sure it was easy for her to (correctly) interpret my loan refusal as not wanting to be an enabler of her addiction.
She hasn't spoken to me since, unfriended me and hub on fb, and it hurt me terribly. I miss her, and lately I have been thinking about trying, just once, to reach out to her and tell her that I love and miss her. Of course, another part of me says it was her choice to cut me out of her life, and she could call me anytime she wanted to fix things, so why should I risk being hurt again?
Lastly, am I missing something when I feel that I did absolutely nothing wrong?
I had a friend that was hooked on cocaine. One by one he alienated himself from all of the people he'd met in college. I cared for him. I'd go to some of the parties with him. He swore each time to stay sober. He never did. One night, I was pissed because he'd run off and gotten messed up again. We went back to a house out of default after trying to go out and just have a couple beers like normal people, but we were told to stay out immediately by three straight bars in Chicago. I looked at him and said...I've never been kicked out of a bar dude. These bouncers not only kicked us out...but they remembered you.
Anyway, we went to a home and he said he was so glad I'd stood by him. He didn't know what he'd do if I left him and that I was the last of his college friends that would hang with him. Then he went and got messed up. I knew at that point I was enabling him. I didn't speak to him again for nearly 15 years.
Eventually we exchanged a couple of pleasantries. He says he's clean now and been clean for years, but we live in different states. He has a family and has held a job for awhile. Maybe someday.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, you have to let your friend hit bottom. Nothing you can do until they are ready to change. I hope they come back around for you, but you didn't do it wrong. I should have withdrawn support before I did. Your friend needs to learn.
Please know her addiction is the reason she dropped you, and that alone.
I would reach out to her absolutely with no expectations. If she is deep in her addiction still it might not go well but you never know. She might be clean and so grateful to hear from you.
OP, the issue with a friend like that is that you never know if the friendship is genuine, or if she's keeping you around as a potential source of money to help her out when her addiction gets out of control.
To the person who anonymously messaged me to ask why I would be friends with someone who has a gambling addiction:
1. We have been friends since we were born.
2. We are first cousins in a close-knit family.
3. I did not know about her gambling addiction until the phone call in which she asked for a loan....which was 50 years into our friendship.
4. I don't make the absence of human flaws a requirement in my friendships.
Please know her addiction is the reason she dropped you, and that alone.
I would reach out to her absolutely with no expectations. If she is deep in her addiction still it might not go well but you never know. She might be clean and so grateful to hear from you.
Thank you. This is a nice perspective to consider.
First I would ask other relatives how she is doing. And, if she is relatively OK (not dead & not in jail) I would reach out to her.
It has been two years and a lot could have happened in that time. Perhaps she has beaten the addiction and is too embarrassed about her past behavior to contact you.
Excellent advice. Check with other relatives first and see how she is doing.
If she missed you as much as you missed her, she would have reached out to you, aplogized for trying to get her gambling money out of you, and promised she would not try something like that again. The friendship ended because she did an inappropriate thing, not you. If she does not realize that, I would just let it go. I was in similar situations a few times, and never regretted ending the friendships. I don't need people who want to be my friends because of money. Plus, if you loaned her money and she could not pay back, she would have started avoiding you anyway (I have heard a saying that if you say no to a loan request from a friend, you will lose a friend, but if you say yes, you will lose both a friend and money).
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