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I have two adult daughters, 30s. One's family is financially stable, the other is not. It's my older daughter who is not. Each has a son, so I have two grandsons. My problem seems to come up the mostly at holidays, but it's actually year long. With holidays, and Mother's Day coming up, my one daughter wants to go to brunch...the other can't afford it. I can't afford to always pay for the three of them of the unstable side, and it's not fair for the stable daughter to pay for them either. I'm not even talking about the event being crazy expensive, but it is to the one daughter. My younger daughter has pretty much always given in to my older daughter. My older daughter has emotional issues and throughout the years she has always affected our decisions in some way. I can't think of a way to deal with this. She knows she can't afford it and and is depressed a lot. I hate to leave her out, and especially my four-year-old grandson now, but can't think of a way for us all to be together without doing two events. me having something here...then going out on the day of the event to a brunch. We often do things here but then the younger daughter once again is not able to do something she wants to do....on and on. Any ideas would be great. This of course is way more complicated than anyone wants to hear...and I'm not talking about really expensive events. When it's not the holidays we can do something here and it seems to work out okay, but there are times when we'd like to go out and it's awkward. We work around it okay I guess..maybe it's just me feeling this way since they are my daughters. Just looking for thoughts....Thanks!
Then it wouldn't be a "family thing," would it? Mother's Day isn't about money, it's about family. I don't understand why people get so caught up in trivialities like money when many folks have nice families to be celebrate and be grateful for. And I'm not referring to you OP, but some of the other posters. Your question is a great topic. I agree with the other posters who suggested something less expensive like a BBQ or a picnic. That way everyone would feel important and included. I would do anything to see my deceased mother again. I miss her terribly, and I'm sure others with moms who have passed away feel the same. Whether Mother's Day is designed to be a huge ad campaign or not, it makes a lot of us feel terrible.
My goodness!! Well, I asked for opinions. Yes, I could be unstable, but I really can afford to pay for all but I will be 65 soon and I'm tired of doing that. TIRED. Thanks for the ideas. One of the best things I heard is not to compare their situations. I've been trying to do that for years and haven't been successful. Please don't get me wrong. I don't care how much either of them have....that's not the point. I will help anyone who tries to help themselves. There is so much back story to this and yes mental health does come into play. Like my younger daughter said the other day...how long does she get a free pass?
Then it wouldn't be a "family thing," would it? Mother's Day isn't about money, it's about family. I don't understand why people get so caught up in trivialities like money when many folks have nice families to be celebrate and be grateful for. And I'm not referring to you OP, but some of the other posters. Your question is a great topic. I agree with the other posters who suggested something less expensive like a BBQ or a picnic. That way everyone would feel important and included. I would do anything to see my deceased mother again. I miss her terribly, and I'm sure others with moms who have passed away feel the same. Whether Mother's Day is designed to be a huge ad campaign or not, it makes a lot of us feel terrible.
The thread really has nothing to do with this, though.
I am sick of people guilt tripping those who actually have an opinion or a problem because your relatives are no longer here.
The OP and everyone else has the right to discuss something that may seem trivial to you, but is important to them.
Stay out of these threads if it bothers you so much.
Just because one daughter can't afford something doesn't mean that doing things that fit her budget is always giving in to her choices. I think that's a bizarre way to look at it. If she had the means, she would choose differently, I'm sure.
In my family, it's not really about money so much as it is about time. My sister has a very flexible job where she doesn't work normal office hours. There are many times she and our mom will go out to lunch, go to a museum or other activity on a week day while I am at work. I don't expect them to not do those things just because I can't participate. There are other times I see my mom on a weekend when my sister is busy and that's fine too.
But for Mother's Day or other holidays, yes, I would be very upset if they decided they were going to have our "family" celebration on a weekday when I couldn't be there. When we do things as a family, we do them at a time and in a way that works for all of us.
Thanks for all the opinions, really. I just feel like the point is missed. It is not about money, it is about family, as my concern is with the feelings of both daughters, and grandsons. If they weren't my concern, I would not be posting. Money of course does come into play however, sometimes, and it's not only on holidays. Maybe that's where I made my mistake in the post, mentioning Mother's Day. Mother's Day just brought the issue up for us again and I was looking for others maybe in similar situation.
Just because one daughter can't afford something doesn't mean that doing things that fit her budget is always giving in to her choices. I think that's a bizarre way to look at it. If she had the means, she would choose differently, I'm sure.
In my family, it's not really about money so much as it is about time. My sister has a very flexible job where she doesn't work normal office hours. There are many times she and our mom will go out to lunch, go to a museum or other activity on a week day while I am at work. I don't expect them to not do those things just because I can't participate. There are other times I see my mom on a weekend when my sister is busy and that's fine too.
But for Mother's Day or other holidays, yes, I would be very upset if they decided they were going to have our "family" celebration on a weekday when I couldn't be there. When we do things as a family, we do them at a time and in a way that works for all of us.
Please explain to me how it is NOT always giving in to her choices.
It's not about the poor daughter choosing differently (and how do you know she doesn't have that option?). It's about the daughter with money having to curtail experiences that she earned by always having to do something that is beneath her budget just so that the other daughter does not feel bad.
Hey! IMHO, The MOTHER should not be picking up the tab for when her adult children take her out to show their appreciation for her on Mother's Day!
Sheesh! It is like someone celebrating & honoring you on your birthday by demanding that you bake a cake and make a meal for yourself and everyone else.
PS. Now, if you are saying that the sister should pick up the entire tab for the Mother's Day brunch, I agree.
I agree that each sister should pay for themselves, their family and 1/2 their mother's share. But, in this case one daughter cannot afford to do that. Why should the other daughter pay the entire bill including for her sister's family?
I have this same issue with my brother. He's a world class moocher and has NEVER hit his hip to pay for anything or even brought anything to a family gathering at my house (where they always are). On top of it, he has expensive taste and always tells my mom where he wants to go for Mother's Day and her birthday and I end up paying for the whole damn thing. How is that even remotely fair to me? Why does he get a pass? It's especially laughable given that if he did ever pay for anything it would be with money my mother gives him since she basically supports him. He's 60 and she's 87 so they're both old enough to know better.
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....she could help herself. Mental health issues are not that debilitating but they are a challenge.
